Military Humor (and Wisdom)

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> MILITARY HUMOR (AND WISDOM)
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>"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
>expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
>unit."
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> - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ..
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>"Aim toward the Enemy."
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> - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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>"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
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> - U.S. Marine Corps
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>"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
>absolutely guaranteed to hit the ground."
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> - USAF Ammo Troop
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>"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
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> - Infantry Journal
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>"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
>bombed."
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> - U.S. Air Force Manual
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>"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
>automatic weapons."
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> - General Macarthur
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>"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
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> - Infantry Journal
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>"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
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> - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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>"Tracers work both ways."
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> - U.S. Army Ordnance
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>"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
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> - Infantry Journal
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>"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer
>to do anything."
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> - U.S. Navy Swabbie
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>"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
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> - David Hackworth
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>"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
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> - Infantry Journal
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>"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
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> - Joe Gay
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>"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
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> - Anonymous
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>"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
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> - Unknown Marine Recruit
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>"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
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> - Your Buddies
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>"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
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> - USAF Ammo Troop
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>"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am
>at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
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> - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena ,
>Japan
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>"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
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> - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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>"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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>"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines
>in the sky."
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> - From an old carrier sailor
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>"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
>helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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>"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
>power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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>"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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>"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
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>If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot
>dies."
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>"Never trade luck for skill."
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>"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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>Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
>complete the flight."
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>"A smooth carrier landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three
>in a row is prevarication."
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>"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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>"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
>purpose of storing dead batteries."
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>"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
>on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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>"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
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>"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held
>on a sunny day."
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>Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
>inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity
>as slow and gently as possible."
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>"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill
>you."
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> - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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>"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
>maximum."
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> - Jon McBride, astronaut
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>"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash
>as possible."
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> - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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>"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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>"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
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> - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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>"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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>Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
>the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
>of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
>difficult to fly there."
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>"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power
>to taxi to the terminal."
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>As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off
>the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
>rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
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>The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
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> - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)