Book Recommendation

GoldenRivet · 05-16-10, 03:18 PM

I was cruising the local bookstore and a bright yellow book caught my eye entitled "Emails from an A**hole" by John Lindsay

The basic idea behind the book is simple: The author of the book seeks out the internet (Craigslist mostly) in search of overly moronic want ads, he then assumes the role of the a**hole - creating a fake name, persona and email address with which he can harass the ads creator for posting such a stupid ad.

The book had me in stitches... it was hilarious from cover to cover, here is an excerpt from the book

-------

"Children's Story Teller"

Beth's Original Ad

"Im looking for a friendly, entertaining storyteller to tell stories to children at an afternoon halloween party. You will be telling stories for an hour or two. Pay is $40."

Now before we get to the e mail exchanges, lets just start with one simple lesson... Never EVER EVER look for a random stranger on the internet to deal with your children in any way shape or form.

From: Mike
To: Beth

Re: Ad for story halloween story teller

Hello,

Im writing in response to your ad looking for a kid's story teller for your halloween party. I have a lot of great, scary stories that your children should love. if you are still looking for a storyteller I'm your man!

Thanks,

Mike

----

From: Beth
To: Mike

Re: Ad for story halloween story teller

I do still need a storyteller! We are having a party for the neighborhood kids that starts around 4pm and will last until everyone is ready to trick-or-treat. I only need you to tell stories for about an hour. Most of the kids are in the 5-10 year age group so the stories should be scare, but appropriately scary. I will pay you $40 for the hour and you can help yourself to food and drinks. Do you think you have enough stories to last an hour?

Beth

----

From: Mike
To: Beth

Re: Ad for story halloween story teller

I absolutely have a lot of storyes to tell. I did three tours in Vietnam and have a ton of stories about it. $40 is reasonable. What kind of drinks will you have? I'm a scotch man myself, so if you have at least a 20 year old single malt Glenfiddich, that would be great.

----

From: Beth
To: Mike

Re: Ad for story halloween story teller

I want you to tell the kids halloween related scary stories, not scary war stories. for example... headless horseman / ghost stories etc. Can you tell any of those? Seeing as it is a childrens party i wont be serving scotch... rather soda and juices.

----

From: Mike
To: Beth

Re: Ad for story halloween story teller

Not a problem. I have just the story for your party; my grandchildren love it. its called "The headless VC" and it took place on October 31st 1970. I'll go into more details at the party but to give you the gist of it, our squad was sent out on a routine patrol late on halloween eve. It was seemingly normal until we came under heavy fire. Walked right into a Fu**in' ambush. Enemy small arms fire was ripping us to shreds. The guy next to me got his leg torn off by an RPG explosion. The fu**in thing landed right on my pap, covered me in blood. before i knew it, Charlie was right on top of me. He was charging me with his bayonet so i had to act fast. Figures... my M-16 jammed on me so i grabbed the closest weapon i could find. It was an M-79 grenade launcher. I shot that grenade right through the middle of his fu**in head! It ripped his head clean off the shoulders and spewed blood all over the place. To my astonishment, even without a fu**in head, that damned VC body ran another 10 feet at full sprint before falling to the ground. Must have been some wierd nerve reaction or something, kinda like when a snake gets cut in half and keeps slithering. Anyhow thats the short version of the story of the headless VC.

I have enough to fill an hour or two, here are some summaries of my other stories

* the exhilarating story of the first time i slit a VC throat

* The time i got shot in the leg and had to pull the bullet out with my knife

* The time one of my men blew up a hut full of children with a white phosphorus grenade.

* the time i accidentally blew a horse to tiny pieces with a claymore mine.

I'll only have time to tell a few of these, and i recommend the story about the kids and the white phosphorus grenade... its amazing how that sh*t burns all the way through to the bone.

Pick some out and ill be happy to come tell them.

---

From: Beth
To: Mike

Re: Ad for story halloween story teller

Mike, No thanks. Those stories are waaaaaay to profane and graphic even for my tastes. I dont know how old your grandkids are but those stories would surely traumatize the children at my party!

---

From: Mike
To: Beth

Re: Ad for story halloween story teller

Beth,

My grandkids are 5 and 7 and they have no problem with these stories.

I apologize... I didnt realize the kids at your party were a bunch of pu$$ies. If they cant deal with a fun little war story then i dont think they are being raised properly. if you want i can bring over my service pistol. its a colt .45 1911. That'll put some hair on their little chests! I'll even let the boyes fire it off in the backyard or the basement if you have one. I also have a Makarov that i got off a dead VC officer i will be willing to let the girls have a go at - i have found that girls SUCK at shooting guns, but the Makarov is a smaller caliber weapon so they shouldnt have a problem.

Now, Ammo aint cheap, especially with the talk about gun laws and sh*t... throw in an extra $30 and i can get a box of .45 rounds.

cant wait to meet you and the kids.

Mike

----

From: Beth
To: Mike

Re: Ad for story halloween story teller

you sir, are delusional!!! I thought i was clear before but let me repeat myself... I dont want you near my party!!!!

Platapus · 05-16-10, 03:35 PM

Sorry, don't see the humour in harassing people who are simply looking for a story teller.

When you involve unwitting people it ceases to be humour .

This ranks down there with the people who find humour in making "funny phone" calls to unsuspecting people.

This book will probably go over big with the High School crowd.

GoldenRivet · 05-16-10, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

Sorry, don't see the humour in harassing people who are simply looking for a story teller.

sorry you feel that way, but im not surprised... there are about 4 other people with zero sense of humor around here i expect wont get it either.

anyhow... you surely must admit that the woman looking for a complete stranger to deal with children is foolish.

Or if thats not enough, how about the Ad where a woman is looking for a random internet stranger to drive her 10 year old daughter to and from soccer practice?

Or how about the guy posting an ad seeking someone to "Right my resamay"?

Or the woman with 6 kids looking for someone to "donate" a free car... but it has to be a late model SUV - preferably an escalade - with 50,000 miles or less in excellent condition? (yeah... i happen to have an escalade sitting here im not using your free to have dumb ass)

Or the woman looking for someone from the internet to infect her children with the Chicken Pox?

Yeah, you see... i personally think these people SHOULD be fu**ed with... constantly.

Platapus · 05-16-10, 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoldenRivet

sorry you feel that way, but im not surprised... there are about 4 other people with zero sense of humor around here i expect wont get it either.

Oh so if someone does not share YOUR sense of humour, they have a zero sense of humour?

I was not aware that you were the supreme authority on humour. My apologies.

Quote:

Yeah, you see... i personally think these people SHOULD be fu**ed with... constantly.

If I may borrow one of your comments: I am not surprised.

I hope you enjoy the book.

GoldenRivet · 05-16-10, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

Oh so if someone does not share YOUR sense of humour, they have a zero sense of humour?

Only when they are condescending about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

I hope you enjoy the book.

It was an absolute riot of laughter... of course im a sick f*ck... i love crippled retard humor and fart / titty jokes... its not everyone's cup of tea granted...

but if i didnt think your preference for illustrated humor from "The New Yorker" was particularly funny, i wouldnt talk down to you about it.

The book doesnt rank down there with "funny phone calls" because the receiver of the phone call doesn't initiate those. But in this case... the person being e mailed DOES initiate it, and they bring it on themselves by making stupid requests online.

Hopefully we will hear from someone who thought the above story was pretty funny soon [sigh]

DarkFish · 05-16-10, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoldenRivet

Hopefully we will hear from someone who thought the above story was pretty funny soon [sigh]

don't worry

I thought it was pretty funny too. With 'normal' ads, it would have been distasteful. But with people like these? If they are tricked like this they might learn their lesson and stop writing these ads before a pedophile comes and "drives her 10 year old daughter to and from soccer practice"

GoldenRivet · 05-16-10, 04:54 PM

AD: I need any receipts you might have for 40" or larger LCD TVs from Wal-Mart. Will pay $40 for the receipt.

use your imagination as to what he plans to do with it.

Reece · 05-16-10, 08:00 PM

Well it was sort of funny, but "not my cup of tea", I'll give the book a miss!

TLAM Strike · 05-16-10, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoldenRivet

AD: I need any receipts you might have for 40" or larger LCD TVs from Wal-Mart. Will pay $40 for the receipt.

use your imagination as to what he plans to do with it.

F*ck me over that's what! Some guy returned a defective DVD/VCR combo player to a target and someone didn't check the box/receipt to what is printed on the back of the machine and then put it back on the shelf . I purchased it and now I'm having to screw around with Philips because target will only give me half my purchase price because my machine doesn't match the receipt.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

Sorry, don't see the humour in harassing people who are simply looking for a story teller.

When you involve unwitting people it ceases to be humour .

This ranks down there with the people who find humour in making "funny phone" calls to unsuspecting people.

This book will probably go over big with the High School crowd.

I agree with you. That wasn't funny.

GoldenRivet · 05-16-10, 08:56 PM

you and the wal mart

a good friend of mine is a GM for the region.

he said they had a guy come in and buy a TV.

the same day his wife comes in, with their receipt and starts walking out with another one insisting that she purchased it and showed them her receipt.

they checked the numbers on the box and the receipt and they didnt match, the individual was attempting to get smart about shoplifting.

SteamWake · 05-17-10, 01:16 PM

Heh this reminded me of a great way my friend came up with to dispose of an old television set.

You see here they charge money... a good deal of it to dispose of just about any large electronic appliance and rather than just toss it into a ditch he came up with this.

He bought the new TV and carefully unpacked it taking care to not damage the box. He then took the old broken TV and placed it in the box and carefully taped it shut so it appeared at first glance to be un-opened. He then placed the old TV in the new box in the back of his truck, drove to the mall, and went to see a movie.

As expected when he came out of the movie the box and old TV were gone

frau kaleun · 05-17-10, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteamWake

As expected when he came out of the movie the box and old TV were gone

And the person who stole it is rewarded with an old broken TV. Awesome!

We just take stuff we don't want and put it out at the end of the driveway at my sister's house. It's always gone by the next morning. I guess the Junk Fairy takes it? Never leaves us any money, though.

Sailor Steve · 05-17-10, 01:48 PM

That brings to mind an old story I read. Way back when the garbage collectors went on strike right at Christmas time. One woman got smart. She boxed and giftwrapped all her trash, then went shopping, leaving the car unlocked with the boxes in the back seat.

Sure enough...

DarkFish · 05-17-10, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

That brings to mind an old story I read. Way back when the garbage collectors went on strike right at Christmas time. One woman got smart. She boxed and giftwrapped all her trash, then went shopping, leaving the car unlocked with the boxes in the back seat.

Sure enough...

We'd need christmas time and criminals too here in the Netherlands.. after one week of garbage collector strikes in Amsterdam and Utrecht, the streets there looked like this:

luckily they've just resumed work again

Jimbuna · 05-17-10, 02:28 PM

I used to live in Dordrecht and it always looked like that

j/k a very clean Centrum actally

05-16-10, 03:18 PM	#1
GoldenRivet Subsim Aviator Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 8,726 Downloads: 146 Uploads: 0	Book Recommendation I was cruising the local bookstore and a bright yellow book caught my eye entitled "Emails from an Ahole" by John Lindsay The basic idea behind the book is simple: The author of the book seeks out the internet (Craigslist mostly) in search of overly moronic want ads, he then assumes the role of the ahole - creating a fake name, persona and email address with which he can harass the ads creator for posting such a stupid ad. The book had me in stitches... it was hilarious from cover to cover, here is an excerpt from the book ------- "Children's Story Teller" Beth's Original Ad "Im looking for a friendly, entertaining storyteller to tell stories to children at an afternoon halloween party. You will be telling stories for an hour or two. Pay is $40."** Now before we get to the e mail exchanges, lets just start with one simple lesson... Never EVER EVER look for a random stranger on the internet to deal with your children in any way shape or form. From: Mike To: Beth Re: Ad for story halloween story teller Hello, Im writing in response to your ad looking for a kid's story teller for your halloween party. I have a lot of great, scary stories that your children should love. if you are still looking for a storyteller I'm your man! Thanks, Mike ---- From: Beth To: Mike Re: Ad for story halloween story teller I do still need a storyteller! We are having a party for the neighborhood kids that starts around 4pm and will last until everyone is ready to trick-or-treat. I only need you to tell stories for about an hour. Most of the kids are in the 5-10 year age group so the stories should be scare, but appropriately scary. I will pay you $40 for the hour and you can help yourself to food and drinks. Do you think you have enough stories to last an hour? Beth ---- From: Mike To: Beth Re: Ad for story halloween story teller I absolutely have a lot of storyes to tell. I did three tours in Vietnam and have a ton of stories about it. $40 is reasonable. What kind of drinks will you have? I'm a scotch man myself, so if you have at least a 20 year old single malt Glenfiddich, that would be great. ---- From: Beth To: Mike Re: Ad for story halloween story teller I want you to tell the kids halloween related scary stories, not scary war stories. for example... headless horseman / ghost stories etc. Can you tell any of those? Seeing as it is a childrens party i wont be serving scotch... rather soda and juices. ---- From: Mike To: Beth Re: Ad for story halloween story teller Not a problem. I have just the story for your party; my grandchildren love it. its called "The headless VC" and it took place on October 31st 1970. I'll go into more details at the party but to give you the gist of it, our squad was sent out on a routine patrol late on halloween eve. It was seemingly normal until we came under heavy fire. Walked right into a Fuin' ambush. Enemy small arms fire was ripping us to shreds. The guy next to me got his leg torn off by an RPG explosion. The fuin thing landed right on my pap, covered me in blood. before i knew it, Charlie was right on top of me. He was charging me with his bayonet so i had to act fast. Figures... my M-16 jammed on me so i grabbed the closest weapon i could find. It was an M-79 grenade launcher. I shot that grenade right through the middle of his fuin head! It ripped his head clean off the shoulders and spewed blood all over the place. To my astonishment, even without a fuin head, that damned VC body ran another 10 feet at full sprint before falling to the ground. Must have been some wierd nerve reaction or something, kinda like when a snake gets cut in half and keeps slithering. Anyhow thats the short version of the story of the headless VC. I have enough to fill an hour or two, here are some summaries of my other stories * the exhilarating story of the first time i slit a VC throat * The time i got shot in the leg and had to pull the bullet out with my knife * The time one of my men blew up a hut full of children with a white phosphorus grenade. * the time i accidentally blew a horse to tiny pieces with a claymore mine. I'll only have time to tell a few of these, and i recommend the story about the kids and the white phosphorus grenade... its amazing how that sht burns all the way through to the bone. Pick some out and ill be happy to come tell them. --- From: Beth To: Mike Re: Ad for story halloween story teller Mike, No thanks. Those stories are waaaaaay to profane and graphic even for my tastes. I dont know how old your grandkids are but those stories would surely traumatize the children at my party! --- From: Mike To: Beth Re: Ad for story halloween story teller Beth, My grandkids are 5 and 7 and they have no problem with these stories. I apologize... I didnt realize the kids at your party were a bunch of pu$$ies. If they cant deal with a fun little war story then i dont think they are being raised properly. if you want i can bring over my service pistol. its a colt .45 1911. That'll put some hair on their little chests! I'll even let the boyes fire it off in the backyard or the basement if you have one. I also have a Makarov that i got off a dead VC officer i will be willing to let the girls have a go at - i have found that girls SUCK at shooting guns, but the Makarov is a smaller caliber weapon so they shouldnt have a problem. Now, Ammo aint cheap, especially with the talk about gun laws and sht... throw in an extra $30 and i can get a box of .45 rounds. cant wait to meet you and the kids. Mike ---- From: Beth To: Mike Re: Ad for story halloween story teller you sir, are delusional!!! I thought i was clear before but let me repeat myself... I dont want you near my party!!!! __________________ Last edited by GoldenRivet; 05-16-10 at 04:02 PM.

05-16-10, 03:35 PM	#2
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,361 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Sorry, don't see the humour in harassing people who are simply looking for a story teller. When you involve unwitting people it ceases to be humour . This ranks down there with the people who find humour in making "funny phone" calls to unsuspecting people. This book will probably go over big with the High School crowd. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-16-10, 04:54 PM	#7
GoldenRivet Subsim Aviator Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 8,726 Downloads: 146 Uploads: 0	AD: I need any receipts you might have for 40" or larger LCD TVs from Wal-Mart. Will pay $40 for the receipt. use your imagination as to what he plans to do with it. __________________

05-16-10, 08:00 PM	#8
Reece CINC Pacific Fleet Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Down Under Posts: 34,688 Downloads: 171 Uploads: 0	Well it was sort of funny, but "not my cup of tea", I'll give the book a miss! __________________ *Sub captains go down with their ship!*

05-16-10, 08:56 PM	#10
GoldenRivet Subsim Aviator Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 8,726 Downloads: 146 Uploads: 0	you and the wal mart a good friend of mine is a GM for the region. he said they had a guy come in and buy a TV. the same day his wife comes in, with their receipt and starts walking out with another one insisting that she purchased it and showed them her receipt. they checked the numbers on the box and the receipt and they didnt match, the individual was attempting to get smart about shoplifting. __________________

05-17-10, 01:16 PM	#11
SteamWake Rear Admiral Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 13,224 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Heh this reminded me of a great way my friend came up with to dispose of an old television set. You see here they charge money... a good deal of it to dispose of just about any large electronic appliance and rather than just toss it into a ditch he came up with this. He bought the new TV and carefully unpacked it taking care to not damage the box. He then took the old broken TV and placed it in the box and carefully taped it shut so it appeared at first glance to be un-opened. He then placed the old TV in the new box in the back of his truck, drove to the mall, and went to see a movie. As expected when he came out of the movie the box and old TV were gone __________________ Follow the progress of Mr. Mulligan : http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=147648

05-17-10, 01:48 PM	#13
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	That brings to mind an old story I read. Way back when the garbage collectors went on strike right at Christmas time. One woman got smart. She boxed and giftwrapped all her trash, then went shopping, leaving the car unlocked with the boxes in the back seat. Sure enough... __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

05-17-10, 02:28 PM	#15
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,473 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I used to live in Dordrecht and it always looked like that j/k a very clean Centrum actally __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!