Balz Meets Hitler (1923)

[Brag]

Lieutenant Fritz Gwitz writes:

As you remember from earlier episodes, we have been studying the early life of Germany’s most outstanding hero. Kapitanleutnant Johan Sebastian Balz.

Already in 1919 he proved to be a remarkable cadet who instigated the scuttling of the German high seas fleet in Scapa Flow.

Munich 1924

After returning to Germany, amazing and outstanding Cadet Balz was released from the Navy. Since he had served on the battle cruiser Bayern, he thought it was logical for him to go to Munich where there was nothing for him to do.

His mother knitted tea cozies and Balz sold them on the street.

He stood on the street and watched a man paint postcards.

Curious, Balz approached the man and asked.“Why do you paint postcards when you can buy ready-printed ones just down the street?”
The painter caughed and cleared his throat. “So that you will buy one today and tomorrow the whole lot.. This is mein camp, my field of work. What do you do?”

“I was going to be a naval hero. Now, we don’t have any ships to be heroic on.”
“I have never seen a ship, that’s why I paint houses.”
“Are you a house painter?”
“No, I paint houses—like this one here. See, it has windows and doors, it’s yellow, it also has a roof.”
“If you’re not a house painter how come you paint houses?”
‘
“Because house painters paint houses. Artists like me don’t paint houses, they paint houses. Is that clear?”
“Is that because you paint doors and windows and roofs on the houses?’
“Yes, yes.”
“And the house painters don’t paint windows.”
“The paint doors and windows and roofs, too.” The painter added, “I am Adolf Hitler, a painter.”
“I am Johan Sebastian Balz, I’m not a painter.” Balz assumed a heroic pose. “I am a future hero,”
Hitler turned his head and looked down the street. “Speaking of heroes, here comes Fatty Goering.”
A skinny man approached them. “Hi Hitler, Goering said.
“Hi?” Hitler asked.
“Ja, hi. It’s an American expression. Very democratic. I’ve got a gig for you tonight.”
“Gig?” Hitler asked.
“Ja, at a beer hall.”
“I don’t drink.”
“I got you a speaking gig. No drinking involved. You can rouse the rabble.”
“What will I speak about?”
“You can speak about house painters,” Balz suggested.. “Like the difference between house painters and house painters.”
Goering asked Balz, “What is that you are selling?”
“Tea cozies, want to try one on?”
“I didn’t bring a teapot.”
“You can try one on your head, it gives you a warm and cozy feeling like if your brain was full of tea.”
“Umm,” Goering said, “I’d like to try that in the privacy of my home. Can I have it in a plain wrapper?”


Note:
Kingmaker by Brag was voted #8 best thriller of 2008 by the Preditors & Editors website annual survey.

[Kubryk]

Great! :rotfl:

[papa_smurf]

Things are starting to make more sense

[Sailor Steve]

"I don't paint houses, I paint houses."

Makes perfect sense to me. Should I be afraid of that?

[Rockin Robbins]

Fine except that the characters don't ring true. Hitler had no sense of humor whatever. Someone approaching him in that way wouldn't have got the time of day. You're trying to turn Jeffrey Dahmer into Mr Rogers. Even better, trying to turn Karl Marx into Groucho Marx. It just demeans the author and insults the reader. Good writing must contain a germ of truth. This is a travesty. An offensive one.

Adolph Hitler was not Papa Smurf, he was an evil psychopathic god.

[U-46 Commander]

During WWII he might not of.....but what about before?

[Brag]

Originally Posted by Rockin Robbins

Fine except that the characters don't ring true. Hitler had no sense of humor whatever. Someone approaching him in that way wouldn't have got the time of day. You're trying to turn Jeffrey Dahmer into Mr Rogers. Even better, trying to turn Karl Marx into Groucho Marx. It just demeans the author and insults the reader. Good writing must contain a germ of truth. This is a travesty. An offensive one.

Adolph Hitler was not Papa Smurf, he was an evil psychopathic god.

Sense of humor? Does anyone in this scene displays sense of humor?
Everyone is dead serious. If you laugh, it muist be a defect in the schullbeheimer multfibriosonic tubes.

[Task Force]

anouther nice addition brag!

[Laufen zum Ziel]

Must have been a great honor for Hitler.

[UnterseeBoogeyMan]

I dont suppose Hanussen predicted what tonnage Balz would sink in the war did he?

"You will captain a Walter Type XXI."

"Yaaaay!"

[Synthfg]

Originally Posted by Rockin Robbins

Fine except that the characters don't ring true. Hitler had no sense of humor whatever. Someone approaching him in that way wouldn't have got the time of day. You're trying to turn Jeffrey Dahmer into Mr Rogers. Even better, trying to turn Karl Marx into Groucho Marx. It just demeans the author and insults the reader. Good writing must contain a germ of truth. This is a travesty. An offensive one.

Adolph Hitler was not Papa Smurf, he was an evil psychopathic god.

Yes when he' seen laughing and joking in the home movies from the Berghoff it clearly indicates a humourless sadist

Whatever his public persona and later reputation Hitler had a private life, in his own way he loved, laughed and lost

To ignore this is to ignore the true horror of the man,

[UnderseaLcpl]

Another brillant Balz story!

[coronas]

Surrealist!!
Big hit, Brag!

[Rockin Robbins]

Originally Posted by Brag

Sense of humor? Does anyone in this scene displays sense of humor?
Everyone is dead serious. If you laugh, it muist be a defect in the schullbeheimer multfibriosonic tubes.

Now THAT was funny!

[Jimbuna]

I met Balz the other day and he offered me something for my head a little like what your wearing.