something for everyone

[caspofungin]

an american couple is on a scuba diving holiday off the australian coast. one day, they get separated underwater. the husband surfaces, but he can't see any sign of his wife. he's searching frantically, and he's joined by the divemaster, but no joy. as darkness falls, they reluctantly head back to shore. search and rescue are called in, and a young sgt finds the husband and tells him, "you stay in your hotel, and we'll keep looking." exhausted, the guy agrees and falls asleep.

late the next morning, he's awoken by a knock athe door. it's the s+r guy.

"Well, mate, i've got some bad news, some good news, and some bloody great news."
blurry-eyed, the husband's despartely trying to understand. "huh? well, what's the bad news?"
"we found your wife. she's dead."
"omigod!" the husband cries. "Dead?!? well, what can the good news possinly be?"
"well, when we found her, she was on the bottom, and a couple of huge lobsters were eating her."
"That's... that's sick! what can the great news possibly be?"
the sarge drawls, "well, lobster's up for lunch. you're invited."

[The Avon Lady]

I honestly did not find that funny.

Hey! It's a diversion! I knew it all along.

:P

[gdogghenrikson]

Originally Posted by The Avon Lady

I honestly did not find that funny.

Me niether

[caspofungin]

it's better with my aussie accent. honestly, its been a trying day, and just trying to let off some steam. post what you like, AL, i'll respond tomorrow.

as far as being a diversion, well, as usual, you're thinking the worst of me without justification. an honest attempt at humour, is all it is. i'm not trying to hijack the forum while everyone's looking the other way.

and as far as being tasteless and insensitive -- well, it'll be right at home with some of the other posts.

[The Avon Lady]

Originally Posted by caspofungin

it's better with my aussie accent. honestly, its been a trying day, and just trying to let off some steam. post what you like, AL, i'll respond tomorrow.

Well, it is a little bit funnier in a 'Stral accent.

as far as being a diversion, well, as usual, you're thinking the worst of me without justification. an honest attempt at humour, is all it is. i'm not trying to hijack the forum while everyone's looking the other way.

I was just clowning around myself. Hence the smiley at the bottom of my post.

And I really don't think the worst of you. I believe every word you say here about yourself, your family and your beliefs. You seem to be a very nice guy, just like 99% of the forum members here.

To clarify, my posts are not against you or your personailty. They are, however, against a belief system that you hold dear and I view as catastrophic for mankind.

and as far as being tasteless and insensitive -- well, it'll be right at home with some of the other posts.

OK. My turn. Found in my inbox recently:

7 Reasons Not to Mess With A Child



A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."





A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."






A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."






One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"






The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "






A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."






The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a religious elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[gdogghenrikson]

good ones avon lady
:rotfl:

[The Avon Lady]

Some of you may have seen this already.

Remember the movie "Finding Nemo"?

Well, they found him!

[darksythe]

Originally Posted by The Avon Lady

Some of you may have seen this already.

Remember the movie "Finding Nemo"?

Well, they found him!

Thats Excelent :rotfl:

[caspofungin]

"God is watching the apples." good one.

and i understand your stance. maybe i'd feel the same if our positions were reversed. i don't know. anyway, like i said on another post, as long as we're talking, things at least have a chance to get better.

[Abraham]

While preparing the wash a wife finds a little crumpled paper in one of her husbands pocket with the name "Leonore" in his handwriting...
During dinner she confronts him with her find, but without missing a beat the husband replies: "That's the horse I've been betting on last Sunday!"
Next day the husband comes home and asks his wife how her day was. She said: "Something funny happened this afternoon... Your horse called!"

[The Avon Lady]

Originally Posted by Abraham

While preparing the wash a wife finds a little crumpled paper in one of her husbands pocket with the name "Leonore" in his handwriting...
During dinner she confronts him with her find, but without missing a beat the husband replies: "That's the horse I've been betting on last Sunday!"
Next day the husband comes home and asks his wife how her day was. She said: "Something funny happened this afternoon... Your horse called!"

Gosh! That aroused some dormant brain cells.

[Abraham]

@ The Avan Lady:
Sorry for activating your dormanty brain cells. I understand that they are on and off watches...
How about this one:
A Hindu, a Rabbi and a Televangelist were wandering through the Midwest and approaching a fram. They requested the farmer to spend the night at the farmhouse. Of course the framer agreed, but he excused himself for having only two spare beds.
"I'll sleep in the manger" the Hindu said. "I am used to a simple life." The rabbi and the televangelist settled in the guestroom, but after a few moments there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu, saying that there was a holy cow in the stable so he was not alowed to sleep there. "No problem", said the rabbi, "I'll sleep there." But again, a few minutes later, the rabbi knocked on the door, saying that there was a pig in the manger, so it was not kosher. "Halleluja" said the televangelist,: "I guess it's my turn then to share this night with the creatures of the living God. Amen!"
Within a few minutes there was another knock on the door: The cow and the pig requesting to spend the night inside the farm...

[The Avon Lady]

Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!