[the.terrabyte.pirate]

FROM: BDU
TO: "Baron" Von Titz

Your Uncle Karl knows very well that you only received the title "Baron" because your mother had the forsight to use it as your first name. You have been unable to prove your ancestry, and I doubt that any house of nobility, or indeed any of the men your mother spent time with nine months before your inglorious birth in that alehouse, would recognise your claim. It only goes to show that indeed you have been drinking salt water again. Please refrain from this as it is not in the U-Boat instuctional manuals.

I have investigated your ascention to captain of your vessel. Your recruiting officer, trainers, and the clerk you bribed to change "Unfit to command a bathtub" to "Fit to command the Tirpitz" on your personnell file, have been sent to Stalingrad with my compliments. Don't be too upset. You will join them shortly.

As previously ordered, return to port immediately. Any port will do, even an allied one. Just getting your damn fool hide captured and festering in a british POW camp will make me once again believe in God.

Should this message be received and the "esteemed" captain Titz not be present, I order the first officer to maroon that idiot wherever the hell he is, and return to the Fatherland immediately.

Admiral Donutz