[DeepIron]

The orignal lyrics are of course, "I'm Your Puppet" by the Purify Bros.

But the changes to the lyrics are mine.

I like writing satire. Wrote this in another thread in response to Radical Muslims getting a nuke from Pakistan:

[Telephone ringing... ringing... ringing... ringing... finally picked up]

Customer support person (with a heavy accent): Hello and many greetings to you! My name is Bob. May I have your name and account number please?

Radical Muslim (with accent): Er, what? No, you may not have my name, infidel defiler! I just have a question about this warhead? Ok?

CS Bob: I'm very sorry sir. Do you have an account with us?

RM: No! Well, er, I did once. But that was a long time ago... I haven't used it in a while...

CS Bob: That is perfectly fine sir. If you would give me your name, I can look it up in our database...

RM: [curses in Arabic] All right. If that's the only way you can help me. Osama bin Laden. Little "b", capital "L". I had my account about 15 years ago.

CS Bob: Thank you Mr. bin Laden. Just a moment while I get your account information.

[Pakistani elevator music plays] 10 minutes later...

TS Bob: Thank you for holding sir. I have your account information. How may I assist you?

RM: Geez, it took long enough! I'm on my cell and this is costing me. Whaddayou guys use for a database? Microsoft?

CS Bob: Many apologies sir. I do not know what we use. I am just accessing your file from my terminal.

RM: It's probably a Microsoft product. Their crap is everywhere. Should be using Oracle...

CS Bob: Yes sir.

RM: Anyway I've got a nuclear bomb from your country and I can't get it to detonate and I need some help.

CS Bob: Very good sir. What model is the bomb you are having trouble with?

RM: Model? Criminy, I don't know. It's one of the smaller models I guess.

CS Bob: I will need the model number sir.

RM: Model number! geez... Ok, ok. Where is it located?

CS Bob: Well sir, depending on the model, it could be in one of several places. I can describe the location...

RM: [interruptng] Hey wait, look... this thing is round, kinda shaped like a beer can, painted in black and yellow stripes and is about 3 feet high with a button box on top. Does that help?

CS Bob: Yes, thank you sir. Please hold while I get some information.

[Pakistani elevator plays in the background] 5 minutes later...

CS Bob:Thank you for holding Mr. bin Laden. I am thinking you have a Shiva Model Type AX1129. That is the only model we've had with a button box on the top.

RM: Ok, so now can you help me? I mean I've tried everything and I just can't get this puppy to blow...

CS Bob: I will need the serial number please.

RM: What? Serial number! Man this really getting me steamed! All I want is a little information and it's like your putting me through a CIA interrogation at Guantanamo Bay. Geez...

CS Bob: [coldly formal] Pardon me SIR... I am trying to help you but I must have certain information to do so. The Shiva Model Type AX1129 was a mid-year run and there were changes made in the firing order sequencer. That is why I now need the serial number.

RM: Alright, alright. <sigh> Where is the serial number? Man this is more trouble than it's worth...

CS Bob: The serial number of the Shiva Model Type Ax1129 thermonuclear device is located on a small metal tag, attached to the cylinder, riveted just below the button box.

RM: Ok, just a minute, the bomb is in the other room. Can you hold a moment and I'll get the number. Just a sec...

[puts phone down and stomps off muttering in Arabic under his breath]

[a moment later]

RM: [picking up the phone] There's no tag. It's been removed...

CS Bob: That is unfortunate sir. I can only assist you if I have the proper information. Without the serial number, I cannot help you further. However our Technical Support Department can assist you.

RM: [exasperated] Oh for crying out loud! I can't believe this. Oh, alright then. Tranfer me to your technical support department will ya?

CS Bob: I'm sorry sir, you will have to call back tomorrow. Our technical support department is closed for the day. I can give you the num...

RM: [issuing a string of strong oaths in Arabic]: Forget it son of a diarrheatic camel! ! I've wasted too much time trying to get this piece of cr*p working and I can't call back tomorrow! Thanks for nothing! This'll be the last time I use a Pakistani weapon I'll tell you! I knew we should have gone Russian on this! Look "Bob", I know a lot people and there's no way I'll ever recommend your nukes again!

[slams phone]