Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! That was brilliant! I'm laughing with enjoyment at your writing style and sense of humour btw - not at your predicament! You write in exactly the same way that I think! My first couple of patrols were very similar; but don't worry, you'll soon get into the routine. Welcome to SH3 and Subsim, you're bound to enjoy both. Premature exploding is a phase we all go through, it's part of growing-up.
Fear not though, it comes right as time goes on. It sounds as though you're playing the stock game though - if you are, download and install GWX asap! You'll have a
load more fun - and die much sooner too, probably! I look forward to further tales of derring-do and calamitous cock-ups! (Dump Bernard overboard at the earliest opportunity!)