[Penelope_Grey]

The Fraulein Kaleun sat in the local cafe at Lorient, pondering what had almost befell her at sea. She sipped gently at her coffee when along came Seaman Bernard. I rolled my eyes as he approached knowing that for sure this was going to be quite a painful experience. She sat and prayed for a car crash, and air raid, maybe even he would just slip and fall, something so she could get away from him. Nothing. Bernard Sat down.

"You know Frau Kaleun, I was wondering..."

"Yes Bernard, what's that?"

"Well we're at war again aren't we, so there was that period where we were experiencing peace which was right between the wars..."

I was trying to look interested, but was failing miserably.

"So I'm a bit puzzled as to how we went from one war to no war, to now suddenly being back at war. And invading other countries who had beaten us before and were our friends by now we are fighting them."

I sat up and adjusted my hair.

"Essentially, you want to know why we ended up back at war?"

"Yes Ma'am" Bernard answered.

"Because our beloved Fuhrer is an eccentric madman who is trying to compensate for the fact that he has no right bollock and the one he does have is shrivelled to the size of a raisin."

I paused for breath.

"Does that answer your question?"

"Well in a way ma'am but I don't think I understand where testicles factor into why we ended up at war again... If you're right, then the fuhrer hasn't got the balls for it!" Bernard replied. "so why are we at war again?"

My head drooped, clearly sarcasm and the idea of men compensating was lost on Bernard. No matter...

"Because need the land that other countries have and they are being so mean, they just won't give it to us when we asked nicely." I said despondantly.

"Oh... right....Can I tell you my poem?"

I stared at him wide eyed.

"How badly would your feelings be hurt if I were to say that I would rather be shot out of a torpedo tube and into the mouth of a great white shark than listen to you?"

"I think my feelings would be in tatters ma'am."

"Go on then, lets hear it." I said gravely as I fumbled round my uniform looking for something to smoke, because my nerves were now getting ahead of me, I found nothing, I forgot I had stopped smoking cigarettes these days.

"The Ode to the WasserBomb! By Seaman Bernard.

Plop plop plop... the charges drop drop drop.
silent and deep the U-boat creeps.

BOOM BOOM BOOM!

The sound is great.
rattle rattle clang bang, goes our hull plate.

Hear the words I crop: depthcharges are a gloomy boomy shot."

I stared in disbelief....

"Well the beginning was crap, the middle was not very good either and the end was frankly making me wish there was a depthcharge here right now."

"Well I have got some better rhymes and even songs ma'am I can carry on till I find one you like"

"NOT WITH A SHELL RAMMED SIDEWAYS DOWN YOUR THROAT YOU CAN'T!"

He closed his eyes and began singing some awful tune, I was now aware all the french people were looking at us, I felt less than an inch big so as the idiot sung I went to silent running myself and slunk off, leaving Bernard to pay my bill, or wash the dishes, depending on the amount he had. Next patrol would surely be better.