[TteFAboB]

Tell her that when she gets better Bernard will give you a prostate exam.

Or use an actually good and far less gross joke. Better keep this one only between guys (dare to use my joke and she'll slap you, if she doesn't slap you she still should so if you do decide to use this horrible awful joke you must oblige her to slap you after you're done). She probably won't get Bernard anyway. Maybe a promise. She can wax your arms as soon as she can stand on her feet or something.

She's a beautiful girl and knowing she's ill is saddening. Yes, it would be less saddening if it were you instead of her. C'mon, after the Vampire picture it's not as if I can even tell the difference between sickness and health from your face, and I'm sure you would switch places with her if you could in an instant, and frankly she's way more beautiful than you, period. Your only possible health complication is insufficient blood consumption anyway... Hmm, you didn't get her sick by sucking the living hell out of her did you? Is that why you don't want to comment?! IS IT!? IS IT GLUTTON-VAMPIRE BOY?!

*Ahem*

The sky is so pretty today. Anyway, back in Kansas you've shown great concern for your Dorothy's safety during the Tornado peril (run to the hills!). I wish her a full and speedy recovery so that the two of you can return to being a lovely and cute happy couple. Don't be afraid Phillips, it's not as if you were a defective 19" CRT MONitor, you came complete from the factory, not only with a cathode tube but with balls! You're a MANitor (ALARM! They're getting worse by the minute!)! Be there strong and confident for her, she needs you. That's the best you can do, besides from acquiring healing powers.

Here's something you can actually do without having to go through the slapping thing, prostate exams and the like, if you calm down a little bit and practice beforehand: sell your sister (if you don't have a sister kidnap someone else's), buy a Nintendo Wii, play the Nintendo Wii for 30 minutes, sell the Nintendo Wii, buy flowers, barge into the room poor-sucked-dry-by-glutton-vampire-boy Dorothy's occupying without giving her a heart attack, and announce in a heroic pose:

"I have travelled far and wide. I have wandered east and west, north and south. I have seen the sand and I have seen the snow. I have fought Goblins, Trolls, Dragons and Jetlag in my quest to find the Flowers of Healing +5. Woman, Captain Phillips is here to save you! Now hold the Flowers of Healing +5 while I read the instruction manual.

Flowers of Healing, user's manual. Please read carefully before operating. Failure to follow the rules will make you dream with Telletubbies for the rest of your life. Instruction #1: rip a petal of the tallest flower in the west-most part of the jar, adjacent to the shortest flower on the eastern-most part of the jar, without touching either the flower above or below the horizontal azimuth range of 23 degrees and without using the index finger in the process, or the finger next to the index finger, but only the finger two fingers next to the index finger. Now kiss the hero in the left cheek. Rip any other petal now and kiss the hero in the right cheek. Congratulations, you have been healed. Now kiss the hero some more. Just kidding, this last part isn't in the manual."

Don't forget to sell the remains of the flowers and buy the kidnapped sister back!

PS: Gizzmoe I am joking on this one, unlike that other one. I'm not inciting a crime here. Crimes are wrong. Don't do what I say here people, DO NOT go kidnap other people's sisters.