I sense potential in Tommy here. He puts effort into describing things, which makes things come alive, and he seems to like writing, which is always good.
My input:
- "Weather-hardened" should be tied together with a dash ("-").
- Keep developing your characters' personalities. This is key to immersion.
Quote:
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Try to find some alternate nouns for "Wolfgang" such as captain or commander. Repeating wolfgang over and over becomes .... well repetitive.
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That goes for everything, not just names of people. Avoid repeating words.
For example, instead of writing:
"The submarine U-60 was the newest addition to the Submerian fleet. Although the submarine was deemed..." ("Submarine" is repeated)
Write: "The submarine U-60 was the newest addition to the Submerian fleet. Although the vessel/boat was deemed..." (submarine replaced by other word)
"The submarine U-60 was the newest addition to the Submerian fleet. Although it was deemed..." (word replaced by "it")
"The submarine U-60 was the newest addition to the Submerian fleet. Although deemed..." ("sub" cut out altogether)
Oh, and this is not directed at Tommy, but to all writers.