[Gargamel]

Might have mentioned this a bit ago, but about 6 weeks I was arrested for DUI.

Was out on a date with a girl, had a few drinks, but not many. I'm a big guy, and can drink, and I never drive if I'm feeling much at all. So the date ends, And I'm on my way home. I'm leaving town, 50 feet from the edge of town, I start accelerating from the 35mph zone into the 55 mph zone.

State Trooper spins around behind me, pulls me over.

Says he got me doing 47 in a 35, I argue I was just about in the 55 zone. He then asks if I have had anything to drink. Since I didn't think I was intoxicated, I say sure, I had a few with dinner.

He asks me to step out of the car. I do the field sobriety test. He says take off your glasses and follow my finger. He then holds the flashlight in front of his finger. I cannot see the finger at all, but I try to follow it. He then has me walk the line, which was covered in Ice and snow, I do that fine. When I have to stand on one foot, I realize I'm a real Klutz and I end up putting a foot down once, joking about it as I do it.

He then tells me he's putting me under arrest for DUI. I'm like What? I know I'm fine, it's cold and I'm shivering. We had been sitting outside on the smoking porch for a couple hours, and my motor control isn't that good when I'm shivering, but he's not buying any of it. I'm now thinking about how I have driven when I was more drunk than this, but still capable of driving, and now I'm rethinking every decision I ever made in this regard.



After reading me my rights, He tries to cuff me around the back, but since a childhood injury to my right arm, I cannot touch my right hand to my right shoulder, nor as I learn this night, put my hands together behind my back. He has to use two sets of cuffs, and they're on painfully tight, since he's now kinda annoyed.

He now helps me into the back of the cruiser, which is NOT made for people who are 6'3" and 330lbs. I don't fit. He had to push. He now gets my phone and asks if there is someone I can call to come get the car. I call my brother, but then I realize he's got kids, and he'd need to bundle them and her up to have a second driver. So I tell him nevermind, but by then he's awake (it's 2 am), and call's my parent's, but they're too far away to help in time, and now they're awake and worried.

So they tow the car. Great.

I'm jammed in the back of the cruiser, head crammed against the ceiling, hat being forced down over my eyes. I can't see when he's going to stop, or accelerate, and being a trooper, his pedals only have two positions, all the way down or up. So I'm not a happy camper by the time we make it to the barracks.

He helps pull me out of the cruiser. Says Walk over to the door. I'm like what door? I'm pissed now. And by the way I'm walking, cuffed and blindfolded, he's realizing I'm actually not the drunk. He pulls my hat up, and I head over to the door.

It's then I realize the drunk tank is up a flight of stairs. What Fool designed this place??? I bound up the stairs, let's just get this over with.

Sit's me down, reads me a bunch of stuff. Gives me the breathalyzer. And again. I blow a .012. Legal limit is .08. I'm barely even registering.

I actually say to him "I told you so".

He hems and haws for a bit. Then he says he's only going to cite me for the license plate light being out, and not the speeding nor the DUI. I'm like thanks, happy to just not be getting a DUI.

He walks into the other office to do the paperwork, and I hear him talking to his sergeant. Can't hear what they are saying, but there's a conversation. He comes back and says he's not going to cite me for anything, as the tow charge would be enough. Well good, I think.

He says he'll give me a ride home then. I say just take me back to my car and I'll be fine. He can't do that he says, I've been drinking. Ok..... /facepalm.

Then he tells me he'll have to cuff me again and put me in the back. I look him dead on, and say I'll only be cuffed in the front, and only so he'll feel safe. he does have a gun, he's young, and jumpy, and I really understand why he has to cuff me, but I'm not getting getting cuffed in the back again. He agrees.

He cuffs me, THEN he hands my my wallet, keys, paperwork, and phone. What the heck am I supposed to do with this now? I can't reach my pockets.

So I'm loaded into the back of the cruiser again. But this time..... I can text! And take Selfies! While handcuffed! This does nothing but annoy him more, but he's not going to say a damn thing. I let my family know the quick and dirty of what's going on, and they can go back to sleep.

He drops me off at my house, uncuffs me, says goodnight, and leaves. Didn't even get a good night kiss!

After finally getting the car back a couple days later, I find the Only thing he searched was my glove compartment, which hold an electric razor, which in hindsight the case really does look like a really big weed pipe case. At that point he gave up.



He never did find the brass knuckles (made out of resin) I had in my jacket pocket the whole time.