So I ended up bringing home another used PS2 from GameStop today after work and... god DAMN it. This one's also borked.
Luckily it doesn't chew discs, but it won't play movies or PS1 games.
I know it's an old console, but ffs, I still have my N64 from 1997 and it works flawlessly, not to mention my Sega Genesis from the early 90's.
How the heck do I manage to get two consoles in a row that don't work right?