Family Guy
The Blunders of Duke Andrea II
the Flamboyant Schemer
(1193 - 1253)
I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!!!!!!
Sigh. If you weren't the only cook in the whole demesne, I'd hack your head off personally. Now let's try again, shall we...
P, like in "Please".
I, like in "Italia".
Z, like in "Zave".
Z, like in "Ze".
A, like in "Albion."
P-I-Z-Z-A! Not difficult, OK! Now go get me some and stop bringing me that cursed spam!! And take that stupid horned helmet off too, while you're at it!!
Sigh. Dear diary: it's no easy thing to govern these fools. I have been in vain trying to teach them to cook proper food, but all they can get me is egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam...
It's driving me CRAZY!! How can I rule over my God (who happens to be related to an Italian, in case you didn't know) given lands when my servants are trying to starve me?! And why should I do it anyway? Like, one day there I was trying in vain to find a signorina in here who didn't look like a fish, when my father came to me and said: "Son, I have great news for you..."
Great, I thought: finally he is going to share with me the secret family tuna macaroni salad recipe, but instead he just showed me a boring map with many different colored spots in it. He stuck his greasy fingertip there and said: "One day, lad, all this will be yours!"
"What, the tablecloth?" I asked. He obviously expected me to be excited.
If he expected me to be excited about that, I bet he thought I'd squeal with joy when he told me I'm betrothed to a wig wearing fish. Her huge tracts of land didn't make her any more to my liking, contrary to dear father. The way he mentioned those, I thought he was using an euphenism. He wasn't.
So now I live in a bloody swamp with a fish and have only spam to eat. I somehow thought being a duke would be more glamorous.
The only thing that prevents me from giving it all away is the fact that according to the law my closest heir is my stupid brother Abbondio, who threw my hat into dog poo when I was 5.
So I try finding people who might want it instead the sneaky way. I find out that one of my vassala, the Earl of Oriel, is plotting to steal my lands from me. Cool, I think.
Unfortunately my over-zealous guards find out about it and when I invite him to discuss the details, they throw him into jail. "A marvelous deception, my liege!" They praise me. "The fool really thought he was coming to negotiate for your title."
Since I'm a Duke now, I suppose I should do something else than just throwing gold florins around and saying "shake it baby". Researching the chronicles, I see my family has somehow been very fascinated with the idea of acquiring more land. No idea what I'd do with it, but my advisors tell me I have a legal case to claim the county of Connacht in Ireland. And since our dear liege the king also wants it, they suggest I hurry.
I can't be bothered to go myself, but I send Luca and the boys to introduce the local Earl to the concept of "Family Business."
Meanwhile it seems the fish has learned to read. I throw gold at her, since it seems to make her shut up. And with any luck next time I'm trying to make sweet Italian love, I don't feel like humping an octopus.
My family is also known to be builders of stuff. That's why I get ludicrous amounts of gold carried to me all the time and there are only so many horses that horse merchant Lamborghini can breed exclusively for me. So I order my minions to build more stuff and then concentrate on deciding if I should ride the white or the black one today.
My generals send me a letter asking what to do in Connacht. I write them a brief and to the point reply.
My masterful tactics net us a prisoner. Excellent!
However, a brief interrogation reveals that my inept troops managed to capture the poorest noble in the whole enemy army. Bah!
Not really having a better idea, I let him go and instead send the stupid soldiers who captured him there in his place.
My troops can still do something properly, though. They have seized a shipment of spam from the enemy and now the defenders of Connacht are getting hungry. They request peace. I promise them to leave at once, give up all the claims on their lands and send them cake.
I'm such a nice guy I didn't want to depress them by telling they are going to die soon.
The starved fools open the castle doors, and the boys start making sure the local merchants have proper protection. Turns out most of them don't.
And as for the Earl, I make him an offer he can't refuse.
Of course, trampling around the local neighborhood has its downsides as well. Namely the local don, who claims we are on his turf.
Sigh. All this violence, it's very upsetting.
While waiting for the siege to end, I'm wondering if I should the bat, the club, the racket or just a generally speaking big freaking stick to make a point to my defeated opponent.