I waste no time dictating a polite letter informing the Duke of Gwynedd of the newly scheduled change in the leadership of his duchy. Though Cadwgan III is only four years old, I am certain that he will understand what I am talking about.
I call for the raising of every levy at my disposal, but that only amounts to some 700 men in total as the King was still using, or otherwise has killed off, almost half my troops. My vassals assemble a grand army of 18 men to join my force, which they assure me will mean the difference between defeat and victory. I am slightly skeptical of this claim, for some reason, so for further insurence I send envoys to York asking for Captain Sæxræd, world renowned barbarian leader and gardener. Paying him a sizable portion of my giant pile of gold, I recruit the services of the 1,500-men Saxon Band for the upcoming campaign. I also place him in overall command of the army.
The first two months of the campaign see little action as both armies chase each other around uselessly across the Welsh countryside. In March, however, Sæxræd's army finally catches up to the Gwyneddians outside of Cardiff and a climactic battle ensues. As I watch, gloating from the comfort of my own castle, the outnumbered Welsh troops are mercilessly slaughtered and soon collapse, leaving my army victorious. With the way clear, Sæxræd moves into Gwynedd and begins siege operations against the castle of Aberffraw and other holdings.
Things progress well for the following year as Aberffraw and most of the rest of the County of Gwynedd are in my possession. However, everything suddenly falls apart. In what could have only been orchestrated by the conspiracy, foreign troop suddenly swarm into the Duchy, seeking to steal my prize. From across the Irish Sea, Duke Fedelmid of Meath (try saying that several times very fast!) lands with a small force, which is not really large enough to pose any threat. Much more worryingly, the Kingdom of Norway and their Danish allies decide to push some woman with a hard to pronounce name's - Gudrun Thorfinnsdatter af Orkneyjar - extremely dubious claim to the Duchy of Gwynedd at the exact same time. In June, 1137, a combined Danish-Norwegian army of over 9,000 men under the command of King Bjørn of Denmark arrives in Wales.
Seeking to delay certain defeat, Sæxræd avoids contact with the Danes and Norwegians as they begin besieging castles across Gwynedd. I hire another 1,500 troops in the form of the Ramon de Pallars' Catalan Band, bringing my army to over 3,000 troops, which is decidedly not enough, and rapidly exhausting my precious gold.
In June the following the year the inevitable occurs. After occupying both the Counties of Gwynedd and Perfeddwlad, the Danish-Norwegian army reforms and attacks Sæxræd near Mathrafal in Powys. Making use of strong defensive terrain, my army holds out for a little while, but the weight of the Danish King's numbers is too great. Soon Sæxræd's line breaks and my army is in full retreat. All seems lost as the enemy's occupation of Gwynedd nears completion.
As expected,
Cadwgan III surrenders to the Norwegians and they install Gudrun Whatever as the new Duchess of Gwynedd. But then, in a sudden and confusing deus ex machina that shall be known throughout history as either 'The Miracle of the House of Northumbria' or 'The What Is This I Don't Even', the Norwegians
leave, not even bothering to incorporate the Duchy into their Kingdom, and the war continues. Of course the Duke of Meath is still trying to claim it as well, but they are small fry. I take the remnants of my army, raise whatever new troops I can and begin besieging holdings once more.
In November, 1139, as I travel between my castle in Cardiff and Cornwall, where, as part of my duties as supreme commander of the King's armies, I am training troops, my wagon suddenly comes a suspicious obstacle. The carriage's driver says we have to make a detour, but as he does I suddenly imagine a strange fish-person informing me that this is a trap. Clearly a sign from God!
"No," I say. "The Great Eanfrith makes detours for no one!" I hand the driver an axe and order him to remove the obstacle from my path while I sit around watching him work. After many minutes of work, he returns to the carriage and we proceed along the way, speeding past a group of confused-looking armed men.
By the time I get back to the castle, I have already worked out who was behind this shoddy assassination attempt. It was...you!
Yes, you! "Fool!" I say, as he is held by my guards. "Did you think the Great Eanfrith shall fall for such a trap? Ha, pathetic!" The Guards drag him away, but before they can take him out of the room he asks how I could have possibly known it was him. "Only a beard such as yours could be be behind such a dastardly scheme!"
Yet while Estmund of Pembroke was clearly behind this assassination attempt, the true mastermind behind the insidious plot to murder me remains unknown. Could he be an agent of my son, Eanfrith Jr.? Possibly, but there are certainly other people who wish me dead. We shall have our answers, once we get Estmund to talk...
Meanwhile, I finally realize that I am tired of this whole kindness business. I mean, everyone is trying to kill me and steal my stuff, so why I should care about them?
In June, 1141, Estmund finally breaks. It was Æthelwulf, my marshal, who was plotting to murder me! Clearly he has been subverted by Satan as well. I quickly recall him from whatever it was he was supposed to be doing and toss him into the dungeon alongside his co-conspirator. That's one murder plot down...
And back to war. The independent Duchy of Hereford has launches its own campaign against Gwynedd, replacing the Danes and Norwegians, but while their forces are significant they pose far less a danger than those Kingdoms did. As siege operations continue in September, 1141, I receive a message from Duchess Gudrun; they offer surrender! Taking the required time to gloat, I accept, putting an end to over 6 years of war. The House of Northumbria now controls all of Wales!
...to be continued in Chapter IV: I Can't Think of a Title~!