And it won't [ugh] stop me from [cough] making my baby machine to pay for her upkeep. Hehe [wheeze] hee...
Stupid peasants won't leave me alone either. So they have too many pigs? Well, I just happened to eat my last piece of ham, so...
On the international front, some towel wearing people have declared war for...Anatolia? No matter how hard I tried, I can't find such place on the map of England. Therefore I decide to imprison the messenger for conspiring to mislead me with fairy tales!
It's all one big plot, I'm telling you! Now the fishmen are getting bold and practising their sick ways openly! Do something! Burn them!
And my stupid heir came again to tell me I don't know how to rule my county. Well, maybe he is right. He can think about that while I show him how well I know all the different ways you can use the birch for.
First my son turns on me and now my wife has prevented me from beating a rebellious stablemaster to death! I only got to hit him twice before she spoiled all the fun! They must be in bed together! Why would she otherwise bother?!
A messenger tells me that Harold finally kicked the bucket in battle against the emo-lad. His last word apparently were: "Ha! Missed me!"
His heir doesn't know how to grow a proper moustache either...
Nor does he know how to pick his battles any better than Harold...
Oh well, while he is busy dying in battle, I decide to send the king of Sweden another gift.
And with the money I got from that Welsh conspirator, I declare myself Duke Waltheof. The former duke isn't amused and waves his toy sword at me.
[Cough] Bloody flu won't leave me alone. Nor does [wheeze] the brat! Such horrible manners the little devil [cough] has. Where has he learned that violence is a good solution? I'll have to beat some sense to him.
Stupid peasants have been plotting behind my back too! With my son, I'm sure! I got a letter from them saying: "We don't know who you are, but we know you are cruel, short and snub-nosed, and therefore we don't want you as our count anymore. Nyah nyah!"
Snub-nosed? SNUB-NOSED?! Why didn't anyone tell me?! People have been laughing behind my back all this time! That's what the strange looks were! Quick! Guards! Execute my head dressing servant! No, in fact, execute yourselves! EXECUTE EVERYONE!
A thief! My good servant is a thief! Execute him too!
Innocent? There is no innocence! Only varying degrees of guilt! Better execute him just to be sure!
And then what is this? Some stupid peasants are burning my counties while I'm still busy finding out the vital [cough] truth about the shape of my nose! Why didn't anyone tell me they were being serious?! Are you all trying to overthrow me together?!
My drinking buddies at least are still loyal to me! Money always makes people loyal.
While we are together chasing peasants, we decide to pay a visit to the former duke's castle too to see if the heart of darkness is located in there.
Turns out it wasn't, but at least I got another county to rip off. Now if that good for nothing king would come and drive that army away, I can't be bothered to do it myself.