[Bellman]

There is a salutory message here for all who, like bubbleheads, work together in confined spaces.

A ranting Reindeer.
Based loosely on an extract from 'Press Clippings' BBC News Quiz.

Police were called to a department store where a reindeer was seen writhing around on the floor swearing.
The operators had had a liquid lunchbreak. The 'Head' said that he asked the 'Tail' to press the battery button
that started the flashing light in the reindeers nose. The Tail flatly refused. Head bellowed ''Well its not a proper bl***y
reindeer without a red nose.'' An argument developed and punches were thrown.' Spirit (?) of Xmas ?

A Police Constable, having been called out urgently from 'service' at his wifes entertainment establishment,
elicited the facts and carefully noted them on the back of a cigarette packet.

The men, who were of previous good character, had, said the Store Manager, performed their duties on previous
days with dedication and some spirit. Santa said, appart from a little tottering, the reindeer had hauled his
toboggan with gusto. He sympathised with them working in confined, stuffy ,sweaty and very hot conditions
and had resisted the temptation to cuff the elves who liked tormenting the poor beast by
judicious use of pepper and marbles. He put the wobbly gait down to such sabotage.

The Head was quite a deep thinker, when sober, and puzzled the PC when he blamed Domino Theory and
butterflies wings. The recipients blank stare called for an explanation. "Officer, we had been unbearably
hot yesterday in that smelly overused rancid skin. We lost pounds with perspiration so it seemed a wise
precaution to fuel our cells in preparation. I can assure you that we only had a couple of rounds or so, but Molly,
bless her, said the Pie and chips are good today and with mushy peas.'' The Tail said - ''Officer who could have
resisted her ? I mean 'Mushy Peas ' ? Head looked dolefull but flapped his hand wing like, loosely from the wrist in
a flying motion, which the PC really misunderstood and blushed.

As is often the case when one starts to look for prime causes or establish a causal sequence or relationship
things are not as they seem at first. Peas are a catalyst here.

For those not intimately acquainted with the workings of the Manned Reindeer - the Head is Captain
with special responsiblity for navigation, reception, and steerage. The Tail is 'heads-down' in the rear 'seat'
like a Tornado Observer and provides equipment control and neo-weapon release. It is his duty to provide
80% of the sledge pulling power and in order to maximise leverage he must clasp Head around the waist.
In doing so it brings his head into close proximity with Head's stern.

Having 'skinned-up' said Head we negotiated the back entrance to the Grotto - I heard some elven squeels
as Tail fought for stability over the marbles.We had the shafts attached and gently took the strain ready
to make our entrance before the spectators. One of the bl**ding elves had maxed the volume on the Jingle Bells
music and when it started it made us jump just as we were straining to take the load. I fought hard
but could not hold my wind which was discharged right into Tails face.

The attmosphere between us was immediately soured. Coughing and choking Tail sought to gain an ingress
of fresh air. The sledge stalled and Santa started shouting - we are pretty deaf in there. But a casual flick of his
whip hit Tails head which was now protruding camel hump like' This irritated Tail and we staggered around trying
to co-ordinate some forward movement to quite a racous chorus from the 'little dears' in the audience who
hooted ''Wheres Rudolf ?'' and ''Camels Out''

Tail meanwhile had ripped open the belly flap which we lovingley call the bomb bay, in a desperate attempt
to get air. One of the reasons we are rebooked by the best pantomines is our creativity.
When Tail discharges his simulated droppings, it is a great hit with the kids. The stress of the moment caused
him to release the entire pack of brown painted golf balls. We were beginning to irretrivably lose stability.

Please note that stoicly we had maintained 'mission silence' all this time. But Tail is not quite so refined and
began to swear imaginatively. Worried about the mums sensitivity I sought a diversion so while we fought
for control and to stay upright, as Captain, I took the initiative and decided to deploy the flashing red nose
with its accompanying neighing sounds as a diversion. Tail had not reported that the control box and battery combo
strapped to my back had slipped into a sensitive (for me) reindeer udder type position.


''Fire Nose No2 '' I called. ''You can get stuffed ''he choked. Not realising his predicament I barked out the
order again. Followed by ''Well its not a proper bl***y reindeer without a red nose'' Just at that moment
he must have been struggling to gain control either of the control box or of his golf ball bomb box -
but he distinctively 'goosed' me. Well heck there an unwritten rules about things like that. My iron self-control
snapped but as afficionadas of Manned Reindeers know as the Head your arms are pinned to your sides, like a
strait-jacket. For a 'passing' moment I considered deploying wind but settled for attempting to twist around
and kick him in the nether regions.(He calls 'em goolies - but hey thats why I'm Captain. I get the mushroom tops. )

Any pretence at poise was now lost as the combination of marbles and brown golf ball dung conspired to send legs
and hooves in all directions.From my mild ''You dick-head '' to Tails ''No your the head-dick''we were on
a slippery slope further aggravated by taunts, whip flickerers, Elvyn pepper, and that bl***y blaring Jingle Bells.

Officer what does your station do for its Xmas party ? Heres our card.

PS. Tomorrow God (Sorry Mods) willing - thongs can only get better. Xmas gifts ?