Just remember that no matter how cute they look now, a baby is just a future teenager. Welcome to hell.
Children are some of life's most precious treasures....
As such they should be kept buried deep in underground vaults.
Read your bible. What was god's ultimate punishment for the sins of Adam and Eve? They had children.
To prepare yourself for fatherhood, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your paycheck paid directly to their office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time in peace.
Here is how you practice feeding your baby.
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side of the melon and suspend the melon from the ceiling. Make it swing side to side
3. Get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane.
4. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone
5. Tip the rest in your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor
6. Once you can do this, you are ready to feed your baby.