[Fish In The Water]

Originally Posted by frau kaleun

One can only hope - if nothing else my upbringing has made me who I am, and since I am pretty much at peace with how I've turned out so far, it's hard to look back and say "that never should've happened!"

Exactly, even the dark clouds of traumatic experience contain silver linings in that we are given the opportunity to grow, learn and emphasize with others who struggle through similar circumstances. It all contributes to making us stronger (hopefully wiser) and serves as another rod in the crucible of who we become.

It does not mitigate the responsibility of those who made it happen or allowed it to happen, or make it possible in all cases to maintain an ongoing relationship with those people as long as they persist in the behavior, but...

Agreed...

...as I get older I think I begin to understand why my mother was the way she was, and it derives from a very unhappy and I would say abusive upbringing and one that was probably far more so than my own...

I don't know about you but I find this knowledge to be very liberating as it helps me apply a modicum of sanity to an otherwise insane situation.

...since I had at least one parent who despite his own issues served to counteract most of what she dished out.

Wonderful to have a counter balance.

In short, I was given enough of a sense of self and self-worth early on not to crumble completely under the same type of treatment from her that she had received as a child.

Without trying to assign blame, I've always considered it a true shame when people who have been abused are unable (for whatever reason) to break the cycle by resolving not to apply the same behavior to their children.

As you said, we all have issues but it seems incredibly sad when we are unable to rise above the trauma so as to avoid having it dictate our entire lives. As crushing as they can be, painful experiences can also be wonderful opportunities for personal growth. Provided we get help and work at 're-framing' the experience to strip it of much of its toxic hold.

I do not think she got that, rather just the opposite, which is terribly sad and her whole life was an attempt to compensate for it at the expense of others without ever really understanding why this behavior drove so many people away.

Incredibly sad though it is, it can still serve to create a greater good by teaching her children the pitfalls of unresolved or untreated trauma. If it makes your lives better by being aware (first hand) of the painful consequences then the suffering has not been in vain.

A person doesn't get to be the way she was without a devastating and ongoing trauma to the core of their being starting at a very early age and that is enough of a reason to be compassionate instead of bitter, given the choice.

Again wonderful that you can choose compassion as the response of choice in this situation.

I feel like when it comes down to the battle of wills between myself and my mother over who would control me and my life and who I am at the most basic level - I finally won years ago. And the only thing worse than a sore loser IMO is an ungracious winner.

Congratulations on becoming your own person and being comfortable in your own skin. None of us can control much of what happens to us in life, but we can control how we react to it. This is where true victory lies.