Kursk´s audion recorder caught this minutes before the explosion:
Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?
Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the
registration card.
Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our
enemies into oblivion. [evil laughter in background]
Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says 'Preparing to
run Windows for the first time'. [long pause]
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th
time.
Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware . . .
. A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers.
Captain: Where are the drivers?
Seaman: On the CD-ROM.
Captain: You are joking, no?
Seaman: No Sir.
Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this
Windows. [another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and
is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so.
Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. [another long
pause]
Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.
Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking
forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works. [another
long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!
Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user
profiles?
Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.
Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and
let us see how this works.
Seaman: Clicking now, Sir. [another long pause]
Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on
it?
Seaman: I have no idea Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a
Virus, Fire a Torpedo . . . .
Captain: We will spam a friend later. L et us fire a torpedo.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.
Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!
Intercom: This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.
Captain: Click on the continue button.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.
Captain: Click ignore. W e will get some ink when we return to base.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. We are ready to fire.
Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
Seaman: Firing torpedo, Sir. [another really long pause]
Captain: Well?
Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute . . . .
[Loud explosion in the background]
Intercom: [Screaming]
Captain: What the **** was that?!?!?
Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! It says, "Outlook
Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut
down. Click 'OK' to continue."
Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?
Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!
Seaman: It is not responding, Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. . . . Sir! We are in luck! The task manager is
still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook
Fire Control. [another long pause]
Seaman: The task manager says "Outlook Fire Control not responding."
Captain: Well no ****. Tell it to "End Task".
Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye aye, Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!
Captain: Holy $@#%! Not the blue screen of death
[Loud explosion heard]
End of recording.
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