Again thanks to all for some very wise advice. Let me tell you where its at now. First off I couldn't eat for two days, I did have half a sub sandwich that I foreced on myself. I broke a record and didn't sleep for 36 hours. Last night I was still in shock and aww mode and wondered to the local bar right around the corner. It was Karaoke night and as I sat there drinking this Girl starts singing this song that hit me like a truck. The lyrics were so exact to my situation that as I listened I broke down.
(You and me used to be together, everyday together always. I really feel Im losing my best friend, Is this really the end. It seems you know, that your letting go and if this is the end I dont want to know. Chorus
Dont speak, I know what your thinking. so please just stop explaining. Dont tell me cause it hurts. Its all ending I have to stop pretending who we are, who we were. You and I, As we die i sit there with my head in my hands and cry) No Doubt-Dont speak
In a bar full of people I couldn't wipe the tears away fast enough and I could have filled another pint easily it seemed. As I pulled it together the girl singing came over and it turns out that her and her boyfriend were the same couple me and Sahra had befriended only three weeks prior at the same bar. She asked where Sahra was and I told her that we weren't together.
They invited me to her table and that was that and things got fun again. I got smashed, we laughed, we talked and I sang a few songs. I got home and fell apart again. And it was the good kind where you just let it all out.
I went thru the four phases Denial, Anger, depression and acceptance.
I woke up this morning a new man and I could see clearly again. I not only understand the letter she sent trying to explain in her own confused manner but shockingly I agree. I now know why she left and I dont blame her. I have no more anger. And the real reason she's gone was founded a long time ago in us. She was frustrated cause she was always finding way's to better herself through school and career changes to end up in a better position in life. I on the otherhand was completely unmotivated to advance myself. I would start studying to get my A+ computer tech certifiacation so I could work in that industry only to get bored two weeks in and give up. She got a second job while I almost gave up or half hazzardly looked for just one. She would go to work and work all night and I would go to the bar and drink all night. She paid for everything, Truck insurance, Beer, Dinner. It was too much and even know she was in love with me and wanted marriage we weren't going anywhere and she felt stuck. I was making money some weeks and making none some months.
She told me two months ago that If I didn't have a job in two weeks she was gone and she stayed because for a short time I tried but fell back into my complacent routine. I think this issue with her and the guy was an out, an escape to do what she didn't have the heart to do. She said in her letter that even though it looks like I left you for him that is not the case. She said that she was talking to him but they were just friends cause she doesn't want to date she wants to focus on her and more schooling and that if she stayed we would have never gotten better.
I do need to work on myself and I see that this relationship even know I love her more than anything was just leaving me complacent and not advancing cause she always took care of me.
I also understand that she may date this guy and that it is infact irrelavant and I am even okay with that. Like I said I know that she's in love with me as much as I am with her but I understand her motives and it gives me more motivation to do for me. I know that we wont talk for sometime and maybe as I believe we will end up together again and married maybe not. But I am okay with it cause I have to let go in order to be the man I need to be for myself and for her or the next girl that comes into my life.
For now I am not going to date, I dont need to and I dont have any desire to. I am only motivated to fix myself and enjoy the company of great friends including all of you. Things are already looking up as my buddy hooked me up with a temp job that if I do well the guy might keep and train me. My buddy makes 80K a year so it could be a career! He also has all the schooling video's his company sends him that cost the comapany 300$ per download. I get to see them for free! So it is all looking up! My friends I am okay and today I can have a smile on my face because I can let go and work on me and the firm belief that down the road me and her may be in the same boat but it will be the bigger deluxe gold plated boat not not this dingy we were floating on and going nowhere.
