I'd like to offer some advice for your consideration, but some more info about the assignment might help others do the same. Also, Expect me to be a bit harsh-sounding in some of my criticisms. That's just my style, inspired by nearly a decade's worth of military-style criticism. It's all in a joking and completely innocuous manner, I promise.
If this is a formal essay, it it best not to use the first-person context, and it may help to expand the scope a bit. For example;
Quote:
|
I believe to best examine our path to World War III, we should start at the previous world war.
|
could be changed to;
To examine the increasingly alarming potentiality of a Third World War, we must first examine the sociopolitical trends that contributed to the first two.
-------------------------
Secondly, the preface, while well-written, lacks a good attention-getter. After all, that's really what a preface is all about. To begin by basically saying; "there's gonna be a Third World War" you immediately lose any audience that believes differently, as Subchaser 12 has helpfully pointed out.
It comes off as a bit "paranoid". Also, the media's tendency to overuse the "more bad than ever before" catchline, tends to diminish its' effectiveness a bit.
You're very close, however, and I'd listen to other members' input before incorporating any of my suggestions.
Personally, I would begin with something examining the tremendous cost in lives and material of the world wars, since no one can deny that. Touch on everything that might affect people personally. Lost soldiers, political intrigue and backstabbing (plenty of that to go around), the Holocaust, civilian casualties, horrifying weapons, etc etc.
--------------------------
From there, you'll want to use the previously established examples as benchmarks for just how bad a modern world war could be. Keep it brief, but potent, since this is just the preface. Complex technical explanations are not needed at this stage. Something like "blah, blah,blah nuclear weapons (insert Hiroshima, Nagasaki casualties here and weapon yields here, expressed in relevant terms "could vaporize 50 city blocks", or whatever) but blah blah, but hydrogen bombs (maybe a knowledgable reference to the term Tellar-Ulam device and/or something appropriately nuclear-sounding) and then something about the theoretical devestation they could cause. Graphic, but not too detailed.
Quote:
The world's resources are decreasing as its population explodes. Planet Earth is smaller than ever before. Cultures extend beyond national boundaries - your very neighbor could easily be your sworn enemy. Where oceans and borders separated us, fiber optics and satellites have brought us closer together than ever before.
I'm not saying that any of this is "bad".
|
Oh? Then I probably don't need to pay much attention for a little while, and thus I'll miss some key points.
Imo, what you are trying to do is build a chain here. If you miss a link or digress too much, you're going to lose the reader's interest. Even if that reader is a high-school teacher, they need to read this essay and be like "Holy crap! I can't put this down! I never knew that things were this bad!".
Ever wonder why so many people read so little? It's because good, intelligent people with good ideas don't write them in a way that makes people want to read.
You've got some good points, but the links could be more solid. Here's a good one;
Quote:
Moreso, we're entering an era of nearly unfetterred access to communication. This brings with it an unforseen side-effect: ideas are flowing far more easily than bare information. For every snippet of raw news, there are seemingly hundreds of blogs explaining to the reader how to interpret it.
Governments that used to be able to control the dissemination of ideas find that control decreasing rapidly. This is both encouraging and frightening - I believe that freedom of speech is a basic human right. But, I also understand that some ideas are inherently dangerous.
|
That all sounds good if your reader is completely unfamiliar with the history of WW2, and subsequent conflicts. The freedom of information arguably makes conflict
less likely, as experience in Vietnam, Afghanistan, Afghanistan again, and Iraq shows. It tends to erode public support of military endeavors in many ways. There are many examples of controlling governments being extremely belligerent. I trust I need not make a list, but I will if you would like.
Of course, that's my personal opinion, no matter how much empirical evidence I may claim to support it. This is your essay, so if you wish to say the opposite I would recommend something relating to preventionism. That's always a good reason to trust state control. Yeah, I could say that in a less biased way, but it's your essay, and I'm just trying to help you write it, not make ideas for you.
PART II
On to history!
Quite frankly, this section needs more research. And, imo, it needs to include a bit about WW1, it being so integral to the causation of WW2. I really can't offer much advice without colouring it with my own beliefs, however, there are some major inconsistencies here. Firstly, World War 2 was certainly not the "first and only modern incarnation of violent political evolution". While I applaud you on sufficient use of vagueness in that statement, it needs either more supporting evidence, or enough bulls*** to make it incomprehensible.
Quote:
|
The causes of the Second World War are as simple as they are complicated. In basic terms, it was a story of imperialist ambitions driven by resentment leading to a public feeling of cultural superiority. The two sides of the war were called the Allies and the Axis. I believe the more accurate terminology would be the aggressors, and the defenders.
|
Somewhat out of sequence, that needs more explaining, preferably in this portion of the essay. Most points need at least one concrete-sounding piece of evidence to develop further reader interest. Fail to do that, and you can sound like you're jumping to conclusions, thus losing interested readers. At the very least, some sort of disclaimer that explains that the assertion will be explained later is needed.
I'm not going to criique every single part of what you have posted, because most of it is on the right track, and this is a long reply, already. You seem to have the makings of a good piece here, and in most American public schools you'd get at least a "B".
If you would like further advice from me, just say so or PM. I'd be happy to review anything, no matter the length. Just give me a day or so to respond.
One final caveat. A good ( and by that I mean; "gets a good grade") essay, imo, is comprised of one of two things; Extensive research and solid cross-referencing, or completely incomprehensible bulls***. You can mix the two, but if you're going to go to that much effort, you might as well do the research.
Bulls**ing itself can invole a great deal of work if you're not comfortable with the process. The basic principle is to use as many large, obscure words as possible, and try to make your points a vague as you can, whilst simultaneously using agressive-sounding, but ultimately meaningless vernacular. In this way, should you be called to explain yourself, you can observe your teacher's favorable and unfavorable reactions, and respond accordingly. That, however, is the last line of defense. Generally speaking, most public school teachers (and even a surprisingly large number of university teachers, in my experience) won't even bother to check your sources as long as the bibliography sounds credible. My personal favorite technique is to simply make up books and authors, and then give them pre-90's copyright dates. Just because a prof or teach can't find the source on the internet or in the library doesn't mean it doesn't exsist. Worst-case scenario, they ask for some evidence. You just google some term you used, find an essay or book with that in it, edit in the relevant information, print it, and hand them that. Even then, if they actually find the original source, you can claim that a friend from some remote place gave it to you. Obviously they were cheating and you are disgusted that they would mislead you so, or something to that effect.
I hope this advice helps, and I'll be happy to provide more on subsequent portions of the essay, legit or otherwise. However, I would ask that I be allowed to review any BS you may choose to include. I'd hate to see you get in trouble for a mistake that a BS vet like myself could prevent.
Keep up the good work
