SUBSIM Radio Room Forums - Harmony (Balz)

Lt. Fritz Gwitz writes:

21 April 1941

The strong equatorial sun shone brightly over a sea as flat as a British soldier squished by a steamroller made by Krupp on a Saturday afternoon by German workers working overtime.

"Are we going to celebrate my uncle's birthday?" Wearing a white jacket, Bernard asked as we gathered for lunch.
"Ja." Balz produced a bottle of champagne and placed it on the table. "We shall celebrate that the Fuhrer is one year older. I had my mother send him a tea cozy so he could wear it when making his blessed speeches. Gwitz, let me see what you wrote today in our War Diary."
I handed Balz the book.
After reading it, Balz said, "You need to improve on your metaphors. Krupp doesn't build steamrollers. Siemens does. Rewrite it!" Balz began dictating, " The strong equatorial sun shone brightly over a sea as flat as a British soldier squished by a steamroller made by Siemens on a Saturday afternoon by German workers working overtime, while inspired by Balz, the great, skilful hero of the Kriegsmarine." Balz chuckled. "Isn't that much better?"
"Oh, yes," Bernard said, "much, much better." He reached for the champagne bottle and began to uncork it. The cork flew off, and hit the alarm button.
"Alaaaarm", the duty engineer shouted.
"No, no." Bernard stood and was flattened onto the deck by a rush of sailors who didn't look like a Siemens steamroller. Spewing its contents, the champagne bottle flew off Bernard's hand and hit Balz on the head.
"You miserable nitwit," Balz roared, wringing his tea cozy.
Bernard followed the sailors who steamrolled him. He got into the head and locked the door.
"Auftauchen," Balz commanded while banging on the head's door.
"Occupied," Bernard shouted back.

Some hours later, Balz gave up banging on the Sturdy head's door, which was built by devoted German workers in a Bremen shipyard.

At midnight, Bernard sneaked out from the head and hid in the aft torpedo room and I took the midwatch on the conning tower. From horizon to horizon the sky was bejeweled by stars. One could barely hear the engines as we moved north at two knots. The gentle whooshing of the sea against the hull gave one a sense of peace. It was difficult to believe there was a war on.

At zero three thirty the Funker received a message. A convoy was headed our way. Balz has this incredible ability of positioning our ship just in the right place. I told the navigator to plot an intercept and wake up Balz.

At zero four hundred I came below and was greeted by the smell of fresh coffee. Bernard was making coffee using Balz's tea cozy as filter. Bent over the chart table Balz measured distances with the dividers. "We will cause grief to the Englanders in sight of the Southern Cross. That's poetic."

"Her Kaleun, I'm afraid it will be daylight. The Southern Cross will not be visible." I reminded him.

"Ah, yes, of course. We'll do it under the tropical sun, then."
"We will be submerged, Herr Kaleun."
"Logic tells me then that if we are submerged we shall practice our poetry under water."

At noon we submerged and Balz assembled the choir to practice humming when silent running.
The soundman reported a convoy approaching.
An hour later, we were inside the protective screen and remained undetected. The choir hummed Fear Not, Balz Will Sink You Hoochie-woochie.
Balz fired two torpedoes from the bow and one from the stern tube. "New depth, one hundred meters." He bowed to everyone in the Zentrale. Prepare to applaud in coordination with the kabooms. Your great commander does it again."

Two minutes later, after secondary explosions rippled through the water. Balz said,"Listen to the changing pitch of those munitions going off. Quite artistic."
A second chain of explosions drew more applause from the crew.
Balz bowed again. "I love these moments of international cooperation and artistic harmony."
"Harmony?"
"Ja, We provide the kaboom and Englanders the kaba boom buroomboom. That is international harmony in action. Two sides are never quite on the same page except when fighting."