Man of Letters (Balz)
 

Lt. Fritz Gwitz writes:

Our last patrol was the shortest. On 30 December 1941, we left Lorient bound for the far, frigid. ferocious, *********g ocean a bit south of Greenland. On New Years day we sunk 3 ships, received a shell from a freighter that killed our first watch officer and damaged the boat. Shortly after the burial at sea, a destroyer attacked us. With our damaged boat we couldn't go very deep, but we managed to evade and elude the escorts. We returned to Lorient on 03 January 1941.

A week later I walked into the bar at the Chateau Dardinaq and joined Balz and Bernard who sat at a corner table.

Bernard was ruining his brain by sipping absinthe. Balz had a bowl in front of him from which he spooned a good vintage Bordeaux.
"Why are you using a bowl? I asked.
"I don't want to be mistaken for a Frenchman." Balz continued spooning wine. "The French drink wine out of glasses."
"Germans do, too."
"Not this German."
"You won't be recognized as a German either."
"Very perspicacious of you. You see, we are avoiding la Resistance. This young fellow," Balz pointed at Bernard, "Drinks absinthe to look like a devastated Spanish poet." Balz gestured toward the bar. "The Barman is a spy for La Resistance, so we must keep him confused."
How these two uniformed officers drinking in an exclusive U-Bootwaffe club planned to deceive the French spy was beyond me.
Balz poured wine into his bowl. "Influenced by the French artistic atmosphere, I feel inspired to write a book, a great drama, a masterpiece. And I will write it in French."
"What will you call it?" Bernard asked.
Balz cleared his throat. "I will call it Das Boot."
"But that's German.
"This is Das Boot in French."
"But the French will read it in German," Bernard argued.
"French always read in French."
"Will the inside be in French, too," I asked.
"Mais bien for sure."
With an eager expression on his face, Bernard leaned forward. "Will I be in it?"
"Of course. You will start on page three."
"What will I be doing?"
"You will say, "Wasserbomben."
"But that's in German."
"You will say it in French while speaking German."
"Les Wasserbomben."
"Very good. Every third page you will say Wasserbomben, in French."
"What will you write in between my appearances?"
"Inspired by Les Miserables, I will have Captain Jean Valdean escape from the relentless pursuit of his tormentor in a Black Swan."
On a piece of paper, Bernard wrote: Wasserbomben. "I jotted this down so that Don't forget my line."
"You feeble minded nitwit. It is I who will write the book."
"But it is I who will say Wassebomben."
"You will say nothing. The book will say it in French."
"Can I say les miserables?"
Balz produced a notebook and began to write: On a dark and stormy night, the crew of the U-123 were miserables because that's what they were, Les Miserables. It was so dark and so stormy, they felt very Miserables. "Ha, how's that for a dramatic opening scene?" Then came a destroyer with its guns blazing. The crew of the U-123 were very scared. But, the heroic captain ordered to dive and Das Boot went underwater. "Notice the masterful way of adding subtext to the story?" Balz kept on scribbling feverishly. "And now comes Bernard. What does he say?"
Bernard's forehead creased into a frown. "Fluzeug gesichted?"
Balz tapped his fountain pen, on the table. "That was German. In French airplanes don't fly underwater."
"Do they fly underwater in German?"
"You dedicated moron. We submerged to give subtext to the novel. Not to discuss the aquadynamics of airplanes. I will continue." Bernard said Wasserbomben. A deathly silence came over the frightened crew, which was very scared. Surveying his crew with cold, steely eyes, the great and heroic Captain Balz--
"I thought it was Jean Valdean," Bernard interrupted.
"On this page it is Balz, we need a real, great Teutonic hero to save the day."
"Then why not have Balz throughout the book?"
"You nitwit, didn't I tell you I was writing this book in French?"

NOTE: Brag also writes high suspense (thrillers). Order your copy of Kingmaker today.

yup, that cheered me right up :)

nice story, i really enjoyed it to read. but i suspected more stupidity from bernard for some reason :D :up:

http://www.psionguild.org/forums/ima...adwerewolf.gif

http://www.psionguild.org/forums/ima...lies/read2.gif

Anouther good one brag.:up:

Brilliant!:rock:

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: and I loved the Note...eehhehehehe:up: :rock:

I see That the "Great Hero" of the Kriegmarine is writing a book. He can barely sink ships, and know he want's to write a book? Tell Bernard to tell the critter called Balz to forget it.

Signed, Arch-Rival and all around Nasty Guy, KptLt. Bernard Von Awful


But From me: Another Great Story from Balz! Can't Wait for the next one! This is why I am on here, to read the Balz stories.

Thanks for the comments and kind words, Guys.
I especially apreciate Kptlt. Bernard von awful's vituperations. ;)

You shall expect more you Bastard Balz! You will soon see that I, I am the great Hero of the Kriegsmarine. I shall be waitng for your next report.:stare:

KptLt. Bernard Von Awful (Bernards Second Cousin)

Another fab story Brag!

@U-46:

I fear that all those that carry the name Bernard are doomed to a life of ineptitude the likes of which have not been seen outside a Marx Brothers film.:88)

Bah! I will not allow it! The name Bernard Von Awful will be remembered throughout all history as the Kriegsmarine's greatest hero!:smug: I will sink lots of boats and tonnage and stuff and......(walks away boasting loudly, slips on a banana peel, and breaks his back from the fall.)

KptLt. Bernard Von Awful and all around Nasty Guy.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Brag, you crack me up...

"you will say wasserbomben...in french"
lmfao

......And now, writer; great! :up:

:rotfl: