You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. - coolfunnyquotes.com

Why do you always see lightning first and hear the thunder later? Because your eyes are in front of your ears.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.

A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'

Facts have a well known liberal bias.

What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!

If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?

One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, that way if something goes wrong I have somebody to blame other than myself.

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

Ultimate lazy moment: Watching the sunrise on TV because you're too lazy to get up and watch it for real.