Parenting Question; 20+ but doesn't want to leave
 

I searched for a parenting thread where I could place this. I couldn't find one. My apologies if I missed it.


My question is this;

My 20+ year old daughter, all my 20+ year old nieces and nephews (I am talking 22-23 year old "men")...they seem to think its okay to live at home
and not move out??

When I turned 18, many moons ago, first thing kids back then wanted to do is get together with some friends, rent a place. Be independent. Eat pizza 3x a week..

Kids nowadays seem to want to just live at home with mom and dad?? Is this because of covid school shutdowns? Do your kids show this behavior?

I have a 23 year old guy visiting my daughter every day...he greets me, and just marches up to her room. He still lives at home with his mom and dad :o He likes singing to the TV show "Glee" with her. And sometimes he wears pink pants. Not salmon. Pink. The kid works construction mind you...

My wife explains to me since she is an adult, I can't stop her from having a boyfriend.

I get this...but when do these kids move out already?? You can't really kick them out. But grown children nowadays don't seem to want to leave the nest??


Anyone else have this madness going on at their homes?

First thing that came to my mind was the Adams Family.

Now to the more serious thing.

I lived with my little sister and my mom until I was finish education and just before my military time. Thereafter I have been living on my own.

Is it easy to find apartment where you live ?
Is these apartment cheap-Here I'm thinking 1 bedroom, kitchen, living room and toilet ?

I grew up with 4 sisters-We were 5 in all and I was 15 years old when my parents went through a divorce.

Markus

Yea that is the crazy thing. These are grown kids with jobs. They could all afford to live on their own....they just don't seem to want to, this generation of kids. They don't want to be on their own and fly like little birds should. It is so strange.

Maybe not read too much into it. More focus on whether or not the "kid" has a goal, is oriented toward something, or ther eis a pragmatic reason for staying at home.

Lets not forget, the economic situation in many places is not inviting, often it simply is unaffordable compared pot the situation 30 years ago, financially, for yung people to finance their own household while still doign job training, university or whatever.

Its also different in different countries. Mentality-wise, but nowadays again also money-wise. And there cna be so many other reasons. Unavailable and thus extremely expensive housing options only.

If she has a goal, a target that simply pragmatically requires or recommends top not move out for a tmeprory move that enbvertehless costs money, then that is okay, I ticked this way myself, too.

If she however is lazy and does not care about her future - then that is something else, and I will not interfere with your internal family issues then.

These are toublesome times, and money and its devaluation, unavailability becomes a real threat. I can understand that the young people today deep in themselves feel kind of fear of leaving the nest that sheltered them for so long. The young ones have it much more difficult today than my generation 37 years back (my Abitur was 1985).

This makes it easier for you, even it gonna hurt.

Arrange a family meeting where you explain for your kids that they have 6 month to find them a home of the own-Cause now you want to live the rest of your life with your wife alone

And you could add that you and you wife(Better have a talk with her first about this) has been planning on selling the house and buy a smaller one.

That is what I would do-It would hurt me in my hearts.

Markus

:hmmm: Sort of like an intervention? Hmmm might be good idea...


Worse of all, my wife promotes this behavior. She *loves* that the kids want to stay with their parents, and all the family events and such.

Careful with smashing porcellaine prematurely and maybe unnecessarily. First find out what the motivation of her is, her medium-time plan.



And dont tell her you want her to move out because you want to sell the hpouse, if you dont. The loss of trust may hurt your inner-fmaily relaitons for loign time, maybe forever. In families, one should not lie to the other, its the family...!

She works very hard, has a little first job. She takes college classes online, at night. All very admirable.



The problem with this generation often is that they watch TV and music videos and other online obscenities, and they all believe they one day will own their own fortune 500 companies, drive Bentley's and become rich. I guess until they do so, they feel they can live under their parents' roof...even if that means being at home at age 23+...it all is getting out of hand.

Oh I would never sell my property.



I just want to live on my property, with my wife. Like it was before kids.

Adult kids in the house is weird after a while.

It is of course very important that your kids doesn't feel they aren't welcome after they leave your home to live by their own.

It's important they know they are always welcome, but it is time for them to stand on their own legs.

I would say that you have a person to person talk with your wife-Where you explain for her what your standpoint is and you are planning on "Kicking" them out.

I could be wrong in my ideas-I'm a loner have never been married or does not have kids.
So it's easy for me sitting here and give advice.

I hope you will find another man with same problem and how he/they solved it.

Markus

Did you know men will ask girls to become engaged to get married, while both people still live at home! Did you know this goes on in the US? Does it elsewhere?

What the hell do you mean you can’t kick them out? When I was 15 years old. I was told by my father I had better have a plan because I was not invited to remain home after high school. Though he was kind enough to buy the plane ticket out for me though, helped with some bills too. But that soon dried up.

I said the same thing to my daughter. Get the hell out, find a job, get your own place. I initially helped with some of the bills and she is now on her own.

:o

I can only speak for myself here.

If I had a daughter age 23 still living at home with me and my wife and she is getting married-
Then I would say to her kindly..
Sweetheart you are getting married now. A new door opens for you and your husband
I think you two should live this life of your own-Find a little house where you can live and raise your children.

Markus

I knew this guy years back and we were talking about this very thing. Frank told me what his high school graduation present was.

An empty suitcase. :D

You can still do that man? :hmmm: My wife keeps saying I will get arrested. I tell her that you can't be arrested for asking a grown child to leave the home of course.

I don't mind my 20 year old daughter to live at home still. Even though she could afford to live with a girlfriend or something. But the 23 year old man-child boyfriend visiting every night is getting out of hand.

I own a small sailboat, and have considered "boating accident" for the kid but the wife stopped that also.

oh boy, this is the story of my life.


At one time or another we have each of The Frau's four "adult" kids living with us. Finally she purchased a condo so they had some place else to live. Occasionally they pay rent.



Currently we are supporting one of her 34 year old daughters, her husband and two kids and there is no end in sight.


There are three issues, as I see it



1. These days there is no shame in sponging off parents like there was in my day. I would have been so ashamed if I was living with my parents as an adult in my 20's. That shame is lacking these days.



2. Parents are not preparing their kids to be independent adults. The number one priority of any parent (any species) is to train the offspring to be able to function as independent adults. I get this from The Frau all the time "I have to take care of them" well, I guess we are screwed. If children are being supported by their parents why would they change?



3. Kids don't want to start at the bottom. The Frau and I live in a nice house and we have a nice life. What her kids don't realize is that it took us each 20 years of living poor and working ourselves up to the current standard of life. Her kids (and I assume a lot of kids) want to smoothly continue the quality of life that their parents scrimped and saved for decades to be able to afford. The fact that they may have to live a lower standard of living when they first start out is unacceptable to them.


But ultimately, it is the parent's fault. In my family, it was made very clear to me that when I turned 18 it was "time to go forth and earn thy fortune" with the emphasis on the going forth. I could not wait to get out of my parent's house. They made my life miserable. It was not until years later that I recognized the wisdom. If they had coddled me and felt guilty responsibility to provide me with everything they earned, why would I leave. By making it uncomfortable, they were encouraging me to do what I needed to do.



That I feel is what is missing these days and is certainly what was missing in The Frau's parenting.



Unfortunately, if they are already in their 20's it may be very difficult to get them to change.



You have to find a way to motivate them to move out. It is not easy and they will "hate" you for a while. But after a few years on their own, they should recognize the wisdom of Tough Love.

While I played some game I came to think of what my Mom said to me while I lived at her place together with my little sister. I guess I was around 21 years old then.

Son I'm not kicking you out, 'cause I know how much you earn as student and how much it cost to have your own apartment and all the rest. I will however, if you decide to live under my roof, have monthly payment.

If I remember correctly my Mom wanted 1000 Swedish Kronor each month. this was for the room and food.

I did not protest at all-More sad I didn't think of it by myself.

Markus

So she is under full steam!? Sounds as if she tries what she can to imporve her life situation, but either cnanot afford an own household, or has plans with that money she earns!? Maybe to make independence affordable in the future?

With 20, I really see not the big problem so far when people are not lazy in hotel Mama. People are different, some are eager to conquer the world, some less so, and such differences are fine. Who says we all must tick according to the same norm?

Just a few decades ago, often three generations lived under the same roof, btw. It had its pros and cons.

Ask her for her plans. Its the obvious thing to do.


And no, not everbyody is a ripe, matzure adult at his 18th birthday. Some are early. Some need more time. Thats how it is.


20, my God, whats the problem. As long as she is not lazy and just dreams through the day, but indeed seems to follow her charted course that she has plot. It makes no sense to say "back in my days it was like this and that." Times have changed, so has the world. It starts with costs of living in big cities, and ends with mere availability of flats, places to stay, student homes, whatever. Its all much more difficult than at my time back then, and I would not need to do it again today.

You salty bastard, even now you burn my chess prowess, in a non-chess related thread :har:

You offer wise advice though.

My wife claims I owned and wore a salmon colored, long sleeve shirt when we started dating. I find this doubtful...but maybe...

Pink pants on the golf course are wonderful. But you don't wear bowling shoes to a wedding. The kid is a 6'4" construction worker...stay away from tight fitting pink pants imo. But that is our wonderful, new generation. Very colorful bunch to say the least.