Like one big, happy family: A Subsim CK2 Dynasty AAR
 

Last week I sent calvary greetings to a few fellow Subsim captains, offering them a 100 % risky free chance to take part in a BUSINESS TRANSACTION involving an inherotance from a DECEASED AUNT Mr. Roger Bob they had never heard of. All fee transactions through Western Union please OK.

In all seriousness, I asked them to partake in a Crusader Kings AAR, the folks were interested and here we are. If everything goes well, we should be starting a succession game soon enough, each playing a generation or two, bringing you (un)intentional hilarity in form of different characters and different playstyles so typical to the great game.


To everyone in the old boys club: I hope you are still in, or if you haven't replied to the PM yet, express your interest here. In this thread we can agree on the details more fluently than through PM (thanks for the good idea, Rilder!), and I imagine we can also use the same thread for the eventual AAR itself to save the forum from clutter.

I think it's initially enough if we decide where we play and who starts. So far (in addition to my initial suggestions) only England has been suggested by Oberon, unless I'm suffering from a serious memory malfunction. Is that OK with everyone?
As for the sequence, I can play the first generation, unless someone else wants it. However, let's note that the first characters tend to play quicker than the later generations, so it's probably best to give the early generations to the busy people among us. I have plenty of time (holiday starting soon), so I can take later generations too, but if no one else wants it, I can go first too.

Anything else?


To the rest of the world: there is at the moment handful of us doing this, since contrary to all my expectations, most people I sent that PM to accepted the invitation (and some haven't replied yet.) Therefore it's not exactly an open invitation for everyone with CK 2. However, the more the merrier, so if you are interested, please participate in the thread and let's see where we can fit you in. All I'm asking is, that you consider it for a while before jumping in: this is an AAR, so updating it is up to each individual playing on their turn. Take this extra work into consideration before joining.

And general comments and chitter-chatter is of course as welcome as with any AAR thread. :)

- - - - - -

17.12.2012: Dear diary. My God, we haven't dissolved the whole world or even England yet by accident! In fact, we are already many generations down the road to Absurdstan. Therefore, due to popular request, I'm adding a randomly updated (read: when I'm sober enough) list of our rulers and direct links to the beginning of each one's reign.

I'm still game :)

as for play time during the week I work till 8 PM so my time is a bit limited but still I can squeeze out some CKII years out of that but in the weekend I got plenty of time to spare :shucks:

HunterICX

+1

Also, England is fine. As is every other suggestion. And I don't have any preferences regarding my position in the roster.

I'm game. I misunderstood the way we'd be playing it out in the PM but that's not a problem. England is good, and I look forward to the craziness that is to come. :rock:

England is not a bad place to start, though a bit lacking in dynasty starting selection. (Well at least for people like me who only start as counts)

Maybe one of the Welsh guys?

Awright, since it seems we are set for now, I'll start the first generation this weekend. Updates to start flowing as soon as there is something to post.

I haven't any complaints with this arrangement. England might be somewhat difficult, given how it tends to alternate between iron rule, confusing civil war and Norwegian occupation all the time, but that shouldn't be that much of a problem.

Just one thing: can I call dibs on the first lunatic or possessed character? :O:

That would be the second generation once the poor brat has been through 10 years of my pedagogic expertise and helpful guidance. Which reminds me, do you (whoever takes the second turn) have any wishes of how I should name the heir?

http://i.imgur.com/5BmZD.jpg
The year 1066 of our savior Jesus Christ. All is well in Christendom. The amount of decapitations per capita remains at steady 20. Due to some liberal and effiminate law changes recently, the rest are hanged these days.


http://i.imgur.com/v9NnP.jpg
At the heart of Christendom stands the stalwart defender of our one true faith, the Holy Roman Empire. MY EMPIRE! Well...sort of...


http://i.imgur.com/DNvPo.jpg
I have recently heard how good fish is for your health, so I migrated to these islands, which would totally be mine if there weren't, like, umpteen different lords claiming the same. They are all pretenders, of course.


http://i.imgur.com/onkQZ.jpg
This is mine, at least. The biggest and the most beautiful: the kingdom of England.


http://i.imgur.com/h7Ub7.jpg
OK, so there is this moustache-for-brains called Harold who claims to be sovereign of all England. He hasn't liked me since I told him to pull another one. Pfft, who does he think he is? Just because he can raise 100 times more men at arms than I can doesn't mean he is any better than me.


http://i.imgur.com/Wkuwl.jpg
Well anyway, I'm letting Harold to play king and concentrate on the big lines from behind the scenes, namely the county of Northampton. At least that's still mine.


http://i.imgur.com/ac2Uk.jpg
That is, if that stupid Harold managed to get his little army together and drive out these weirdly speaking men who came in those dragon boats and stink like fish. And they seem to breed like fish too.


http://i.imgur.com/w6gl9.jpg
Then there is this megalomaniac emo-hairstyle duke who thinks he should be the next sovereign of all England. And without asking my opinion either! Can you believe it?! The nerve!


http://i.imgur.com/4xBtQ.jpg
This is me: the real brain behind every great scheme that my underlings manage to foil. People say I'm wrothful, slothful and gluttonous. Well, I say they can rot in my dungeon while I eat cake in front of their cell door and then go take a nap. Bloody peasants.


http://i.imgur.com/693dU.jpg
Speaking of peasants, they are not paying me enough taxes. It's time to change that.


http://i.imgur.com/uTc90.jpg
Then I send this hunchbacked whispering guy to an independent county in Wales. His mission there is to make the local count understand that the county, in fact, belongs to me and not him. I have a long Welsh heritage, after all. WIw wcanw wspeakw wtheirw wsillyw wtonguew wveryw wfluentw wlikew wbecausew wofw witw wsow witw wmustw wbew wtruew.


http://i.imgur.com/uCAfS.jpg
While he is out there and the rest of his council colleagues have been assigned jobs too, I can finally concentrate on using my charming nature on the opposite sex. So I find this rich heiress from France and propose we'll get married.


http://i.imgur.com/19NmN.jpg
Personally I think she is annoying and ugly, but I like her rich and generous father.


http://i.imgur.com/n9r4i.jpg
While I'm busy getting laid, Harold is losing my army to the emo-lad in South.


http://i.imgur.com/GKpEB.jpg
He desperately calls me to save the day, which I of course again accept to do, but this time it comes with great personal cost.


http://i.imgur.com/cGLHt.jpg
Poor me. Can I get some attention here while I'm recovering? Can I? Huh? Can I?


http://i.imgur.com/jYj7o.jpg
Ugh, what's that horrible stench? It smells like ages old herring! Oh, right, stupid Harold lost half of the Northern part of the kingdom to the mead men, which actually doesn't surprise me anymore at all.


http://i.imgur.com/ksThk.jpg
I'm convinced this fundy is to blame. I never liked him anyway.


http://i.imgur.com/gMrSb.jpg
Blessings and glory! I have a heir!


http://i.imgur.com/MVNMe.jpg
And on the top of that, a cool scar I can exploit in my attempts of making more of them! Life is good!

:rotfl2::rotfl2:

Oh my, this AAR's going to be epic. :har:

Ought to we already decide who is going to take over after Hottentot?

Preferably: my character just died from pneumonia at the age of 36 or something, so my radiant path was cut short before I got to use even half of my popular culture references. :stare:

I'll sort the pics out and try to keep up the pace, but it can take a while. Still, I reckon it's all done in a few days.


[SPOILERS BELOW!]









For what it's worth: the heir is 15 years old, so you will have a perfect chance to choose his mentor and get him a proper education. He has relatively even mix of good and bad traits. His two brothers inherited a county each, but they are his vassals, so you are free to play dictator as you like.

Do you want to take first place at the bat Crecy, or shall I?

You can take the first place if you want :salute:.

If it's settled, I can upload the save to some place and send a link to Oberon, so you can already start playing while I'm still updating.

- - - - - -

http://i.imgur.com/ley1S.jpg
Oh God...emo-lad is approaching my county from the South and fishmen from the North. They are here soon! Why isn't anyone doing anything?! Why are they here anyway?! Why are they all heading to my lands?!


http://i.imgur.com/pvOMl.jpg
It must be a conspiracy!!


http://i.imgur.com/VsJfj.jpg
I have found the ringleader! I heard him talking to his beard last night when he thought I wasn't watching! It must contain miniature devil spawns that are trying to replace us! And he is a gardener too! He is growing them in his evil garden! Servant of the fish gods! The fishes are out there to get me! Have you seen how they look at me from my plate?!


http://i.imgur.com/BTG1Q.jpg
Quick! Throw him in the dungeon before he poisons the well with his secret botanical serum and brainwashes us all to grow beards like that!


http://i.imgur.com/pER6x.jpg
Oh noes! It's too late! He already lured my poor innocent wife into some of his nonsense!


http://i.imgur.com/Dnx4B.jpg
A good tumbling should give her something else to think about. Poor woman.


http://i.imgur.com/b99EX.jpg
Hmm...I'm no expert on brat biology, but this one seems to be missing something very vital.

Gasp! The poor thing! The little devil spawns must have crawled in my wife's womb while she was sleeping and bitten my poor innocent child! God, give me strenght to find the servants of these evil little invaders and send them to where they belong!


http://i.imgur.com/w6SEi.jpg
Huzaa! My relentless efforts against the servants of the fish gods have been successful! The fishmen packed their dragon boats and left back to the Odinland!


http://i.imgur.com/b58hL.jpg
Not that my peasants helped. Someone has planted in their thick skulls an idea that I'm not treating them well and they don't want to fight for me.


http://i.imgur.com/4XWap.jpg
It's the fault of the lice ridden beard man in my dungeon! He is sending telepathic waves with his hat! I think we should bash his skull a little bit to make it more difficult for him!


http://i.imgur.com/H7Uce.jpg
While guards are busy reshaping the evil conspirator's cranium, I concentrate on politics and call dips on this heiress of three counties on the South coast.


http://i.imgur.com/PiFmd.jpg
Stupid guards! They were in league with the fishmen and didn't do proper job! The telepathic waves are continuing, I know it from my headache. It's time I finish this for good! It's time to send the conspiring beard man to his masters in Hell.

Hmm, I'd better not write a return address to his box, so the Swedes won't send him back here...


http://i.imgur.com/Cgfqp.jpg
As the little mumbling box floats further and further away and finally disappears behind the horizon, I still feel the headache. The telepathic waves are continuing. And this time they are coming from the West! Of course! The Welsh! It's the Welsh who are conspiring to prevent me from achieving my divinely inspired glory! How didn't I think of this sooner?


http://i.imgur.com/bBGtM.jpg
Since beardy happened to be rich and we couldn't fit all his possessions into the box, I now happen to have lots of money. I decide to use it to hire bunch of lads from the local tavern and together we leave on happy adventure in Wales.


http://i.imgur.com/nSOQa.jpg
Wtremblew wunwashedw wpretenderw! Wyourw wdaysw warew wnumberedw!


http://i.imgur.com/VyC7K.jpg
The cowardly Welsh count sent his men to fight me, but it turns out 200 men weren't enough to stop 1,700 Saxon tourists. So I tried meeting him in his castle, but he just closed the door and claimed he wasn't home. I suppose we'll have to kick it in to see if there is any truth in that.


http://i.imgur.com/AejAR.jpg
Sieging is boring. Good thing I took with me something to kill the spare time with.


http://i.imgur.com/TkxXQ.jpg
Hey, what do you know, he was home after all. Well, indeed: was. It's my home now. But I order the local carpenter to make him a new one. I think he would appreciate similar to that we gave to the beardy.


http://i.imgur.com/cBHXI.jpg
Meanwhile I'm informed that my poor, maimed child is not eager to do things. Well what wonder is that when it's missing the vital part to do anything interesting? It can't be because of me, because I'm not like that at all. Unfortunately the first five servants bringing these news just didn't get it.


http://i.imgur.com/NtEnW.jpg
Whaaaat?! Another one of those! It's worse than I thought! The little devils with their razor sharp claws have permanently infected my wife!

Roger. The conspiracies begin here! :rock:

Boom! Save file sent, so time to wrap this up with one Sunday super update.

- - - - - - - -

http://i.imgur.com/ThJ6e.jpg
There is no alternative. Sometimes you just can't make an omelette without killing everyone.


http://i.imgur.com/epee3.jpg
Despite of my best efforts to convince my court of her being stained, no one seemed to take me seriously. This can mean...only that...oh no...

THEY ARE ALL IN LEAGUE WITH THE FISHMEN!!


http://i.imgur.com/k6fyc.jpg
AAAAAAAAHH!! I'M GOING TO HIDE UNDER THE BED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!


http://i.imgur.com/GWyUt.jpg
No! Pause! It's not that! Now I know what it is! The reason is my new Welsh county! It's full of Welsh people! Can you imagine?! Where did they come from?! Do they breed under rocks are they born from the swamp gas? No matter!


http://i.imgur.com/KRNm7.jpg
They can't conspire against me if I throw them all in dungeon!


http://i.imgur.com/DCMdm.jpg
Better leave no one free, just in case.


http://i.imgur.com/2UumS.jpg
My court and my vassals are all in league against me! I must do something! I will spend the money I confisticated from them to hire bunch of random people from the street to take their places!


http://i.imgur.com/UIfUS.jpg
Argh! They still exist! This one still has a county too! It's mine! Mine, I say! He took it from me when I was sleeping! He bewitched me to sleep walk and sign a parchment of lamb skin with my own blood, the devil! I will get him!


http://i.imgur.com/Bb0E7.jpg
Time to get my drinking buddies together again! Huzaa!


http://i.imgur.com/D9PAx.jpg
Maaaan, sieging is boring...


http://i.imgur.com/hQRgL.jpg
But it's worth it! Another Welshman changes his career from a count to the captain of a little wooden box.


http://i.imgur.com/sYdDR.jpg
Ha! Haha! Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaa! It worked! The devils have left!! I won!! Glory be to God who has granted me victory in the battle against my invisible enemies!


http://i.imgur.com/gF1uI.jpg
Wales is quickly becoming my personal little playground, but there is still lots of work to do. I will not rest before every little devil growing fishman is gone for good and can no longer shave my head while I'm sleeping!


http://i.imgur.com/WXenQ.jpg
While my glory grows, all sorts of lunatics start coming to my doorstep. Like this one guy covered in knitted wool armor said I should join him in his search for the Holy Grail. I told him I already got one and had the guards kick him out.


http://i.imgur.com/3Aou9.jpg
Then there is the ambassador of Elfland. Elfland! I do not know where such state is, but clearly it must be hostile to us and therefore its ambassador is an assassin hired to kill me! Guards!


http://i.imgur.com/wq3S1.jpg
My son is already six years old. He needs a tutor, a mentor, someone to teach him what is right and what is wrong. Clearly I'm the only suitable person, seeing that everyone else is already under the spell of the little red men.


http://i.imgur.com/hYLff.jpg
Under the spell or not, they can still pay taxes. Therefore I decide to build them a village directly under my vigilant eyes, so that they won't sacrifice even the smallest part of their harvest to the devilish little bugs living in their tummies.


http://i.imgur.com/RBzlb.jpg
Bah, how can I rip off the peasants when my stupid brats are bothering me all the time? What do I care about this disabled one is beating up other kids?! At least it's showing some manhood!


http://i.imgur.com/34HDY.jpg
Then there is this another one, who thinks religion, history, maths and all that sort of stuff is boring.

Well, I happen to agree. Look at me: I can't do that fancy "spilling" stuff either, and yet I'm a count and those good for nothing monks are rotting in my dungeon.


http://i.imgur.com/MfjMT.jpg
[Cough] I think all this stress is causing me to [wheeze] have a little cold. It's just a [cough] little flu, nothing to worry about.

http://i.imgur.com/jpyHb.jpg
And it won't [ugh] stop me from [cough] making my baby machine to pay for her upkeep. Hehe [wheeze] hee...


http://i.imgur.com/Mzt04.jpg
Stupid peasants won't leave me alone either. So they have too many pigs? Well, I just happened to eat my last piece of ham, so...


http://i.imgur.com/qhTrR.jpg
On the international front, some towel wearing people have declared war for...Anatolia? No matter how hard I tried, I can't find such place on the map of England. Therefore I decide to imprison the messenger for conspiring to mislead me with fairy tales!


http://i.imgur.com/znQWs.jpg
It's all one big plot, I'm telling you! Now the fishmen are getting bold and practising their sick ways openly! Do something! Burn them!


http://i.imgur.com/rUuxO.jpg
And my stupid heir came again to tell me I don't know how to rule my county. Well, maybe he is right. He can think about that while I show him how well I know all the different ways you can use the birch for.


http://i.imgur.com/rUHIV.jpg
First my son turns on me and now my wife has prevented me from beating a rebellious stablemaster to death! I only got to hit him twice before she spoiled all the fun! They must be in bed together! Why would she otherwise bother?!


http://i.imgur.com/ttpi5.jpg
A messenger tells me that Harold finally kicked the bucket in battle against the emo-lad. His last word apparently were: "Ha! Missed me!"


http://i.imgur.com/F1vUq.jpg
His heir doesn't know how to grow a proper moustache either...


http://i.imgur.com/Ad9t7.jpg
Nor does he know how to pick his battles any better than Harold...


http://i.imgur.com/xUXLi.jpg
Oh well, while he is busy dying in battle, I decide to send the king of Sweden another gift.


http://i.imgur.com/GtFQ7.jpg
And with the money I got from that Welsh conspirator, I declare myself Duke Waltheof. The former duke isn't amused and waves his toy sword at me.


http://i.imgur.com/8ayRR.jpg
[Cough] Bloody flu won't leave me alone. Nor does [wheeze] the brat! Such horrible manners the little devil [cough] has. Where has he learned that violence is a good solution? I'll have to beat some sense to him.


http://i.imgur.com/82LsA.jpg
Stupid peasants have been plotting behind my back too! With my son, I'm sure! I got a letter from them saying: "We don't know who you are, but we know you are cruel, short and snub-nosed, and therefore we don't want you as our count anymore. Nyah nyah!"

Snub-nosed? SNUB-NOSED?! Why didn't anyone tell me?! People have been laughing behind my back all this time! That's what the strange looks were! Quick! Guards! Execute my head dressing servant! No, in fact, execute yourselves! EXECUTE EVERYONE!


http://i.imgur.com/mWv6Q.jpg
A thief! My good servant is a thief! Execute him too!


http://i.imgur.com/NmT8k.jpg
Innocent? There is no innocence! Only varying degrees of guilt! Better execute him just to be sure!


http://i.imgur.com/tPaXu.jpg
And then what is this? Some stupid peasants are burning my counties while I'm still busy finding out the vital [cough] truth about the shape of my nose! Why didn't anyone tell me they were being serious?! Are you all trying to overthrow me together?!


http://i.imgur.com/u0ta1.jpg
My drinking buddies at least are still loyal to me! Money always makes people loyal.


http://i.imgur.com/aOAsO.jpg
While we are together chasing peasants, we decide to pay a visit to the former duke's castle too to see if the heart of darkness is located in there.


http://i.imgur.com/fXlnm.jpg
Turns out it wasn't, but at least I got another county to rip off. Now if that good for nothing king would come and drive that army away, I can't be bothered to do it myself.

http://i.imgur.com/81Obd.jpg
This nonsense again? Look, brat [cough] bloody flu [urgh] equality [cough] is good as long as [wheeze] you stay more equal than the others.

To demonstrate, I show him that our fists are not of equal size and my equality trumps his, so I'm right.


http://i.imgur.com/Yv1BQ.jpg
Cynical? Lies! That can't be possible!


http://i.imgur.com/MqLuu.jpg
I have felt lonely lately [cough]. It must be the flu getting [ugh] worse. And after all I have [wheeze] done to those ungrateful...who are...still...[cough]...left...


http://i.imgur.com/zUdoa.jpg
What?! Another plot! That's it! Guards, prepare the tort...

Wait? He is asking me to partake in killing someone? Weeeeell...


http://i.imgur.com/YMlDk.jpg
Waltheof W. Wily, Super genius...


http://i.imgur.com/UlnMF.jpg
After a polite letter to my co-conspirator, I have been given enough gold to buy all the manure in the world. Also, I have no idea how it came to this...


http://i.imgur.com/uBxqN.jpg
BOOOOOM!!


http://i.imgur.com/YNgFm.jpg
Apparently the [cough] nobles of England are now very divided on if my little prank was a hilarious example of our special sense of humor or a stupid example of continental influences on our fine amusement traditions. The whole country has turned into a giant civil war's playground. Eeeexcellent.


http://i.imgur.com/TnE55.jpg
[Cough wheeze cough] but I think...I'm not...going to...reap the fruits of...my [urgh] genius...my God what is that [cough cough] red...is...it...blood...


http://i.imgur.com/4SAHf.jpg
Guards...I order...you to...execute...my...lungs...they...cons...cons...p ire...against...meeee...

Bleeergh...:dead:

- - - - - - - - -

Alright, it's all in your hands now, Oberon. Lead us, oh fearless leader, to new zany adventures. :arrgh!:

God help us...

No pressure...

Chapter II: A New Dope

It is the year of our lord 1084, and England is at war, mostly with itself. I, Duke Eanfirth I of Deheubarth govern my lands from the fair city of Cardiff in Glamorgan.

http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/7209/63359762.jpg

My father is now a pile of smouldering ashes, his funeral went well...although somehow his corpse managed to set fire to three of the courtiers. I am the eldest of five of our family, I don't know why I have so many brothers and sisters, Uncle Coenred says it's because my father couldn't keep his trousers up...which is probably true because he was always beating me with his belt...

I have five vassals, and all bar one of them hate me. Well, that's fine, I HATE THEM TOO! One of them hates me more than the others...his name is Gwrgant and he runs Dyfed, I will have to keep an eye on him...

Let's see what my castle holdings are like...

http://cdn2.irishviews.com/irishview...tone-shack.jpg

Right, so my father spent more time beating me and my siblings than he did actually build anything. No wonder I only have a handful of coin to my name.

Well, the good news is that I am now of legal age and I have become a Flamboyant Schemer...I wonder where I get that from? Well, time to put that Flamboyance to the test!

http://img267.imageshack.us/img267/87/69058453.jpg

When he dies...it will be the most fabulous death! I will make sure of it!

Three months into my rule my mother complains that she is still single, and that her baby producing mechanisms have not be used for too long. I have a rummage through the Dating section of the local newspaper, yes, this guy will do...King Eg- King Ecg, King Ecgbeorth of England.

Wait...my King? My mother is marrying my King?

Well, he's only 8 and she's 34, what could possibly go wrong?

http://img59.imageshack.us/img59/2568/30630886.jpg
She's obviously lying...

My Marshall dies, and the only suitable replacement is that damned Gwrgant...

Wait...I'm a genius, I'll send him to repress revolts in his own county! That'll surely work! Then while I'm at it, I'll start my own plots there, and fabricate a claim on Powys.

Eanfirth, you're a genius!

http://img21.imageshack.us/img21/7087/76928550.jpg

I order a fence built around the garden.

http://www.danheller.com/images/Euro...nce-bw-big.jpg

Much better... :yep: