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The Tipsy Tale: An Oblivion Adventure
Yesterday, he was a hero. He was a knight in shining armor, savior of the damsels in distress. He fought dragons, demons, evil wizards and some obscure end boss that resembled a suspiciously Freudian fantasy. He charmed ladies with his wit, impressed kings with his bravery, was cheered by children and inherited half of the kingdom. That was quite a day, that Friday evening. But our story is not about who he was yesterday.
It's about who he once again became on the next Saturday morning... The usual, more serious notes: ever since I started writing AARs with stereotypes, I have asked myself why I don't make fun of those that are most familiar to me. The answer so far has been that there hasn't been a suitable game. It has been a wrong answer, because the right game has in fact been right under my nose all the time. Oblivion with its infinite moddability and open ended nature... If making the Fallout AAR taught me anything, it was that making a funny AAR from RPG with lots of dialogue was difficult. Therefore I'm taking a little risk here and going instead for an RPG with little dialogue. No idea how this turns out, but let's see. So once again, welcome! Sit back, preferably with some meady adult beverage, and enjoy the ride. Updates may be a little slower this time due to real life keeping me busy, but I'll try keeping up. Edit on 13/07/12: Some pictures from the thread go missing from time to time, thus disturbing the story. This is (so I've heard from the Horse's mouth) a known issue with the image hosting site Imgur and nothing I can help. So far the issue has fixed itself fairly quickly by itself. So if you are a new reader and don't see stuff, come back later and the pics are probably back. If the issue persist, please notify me and I'll send you a PDF version. - - - - - - - - - - - - Hello! Pleasure to meet you! Have you got any mead? My name is Lalthgroot Wunderbaumbackel Dragonslayer Demon Heart Blood Blade Crimson Axe Intestine Hammer Berdesborum Fifthzel Groom of Zeegestrorum IX. But my friends usually call me just Lalli, so you can too. I'm famous! Well, my namesake is. But I'm too! Everyone knows who I am back home! That's one of the major reasons I left, in fact... I hail from the stereotypical, barren Northern land called Finland. Err, Skyrim! I mean Skyrim! I am proud to say I'm a Nord! Blue eyes and blonde hair! http://i.imgur.com/wmrrv.jpg Well, I'm sure my grand grand daddy at least had those. Then he sort of had to leave home too and couldn't pack a wife with him, so he had to improvise. But that doesn't mean a thing! Deep down I'm as proud Nord as Nord can be! Which maybe isn't much, but at least it's all mine! Recently I too moved down South because Skyrim enacted repressive tax policies on traditional Nord liquids used to keep us warm in the freezing winters. They went on about this whole Empire Union thing and how we now have directives straight from above telling how we should live our lives. The fools obviously don't understand that a man needs at least a few litres per day to keep going. In any case, I felt it was opressing my cultural heritage too much, so I left. And don't let any bitter one night stand tell you otherwise, this is the truth and you heard it here first! So I arrived in the Imperial City to look for the boss man of this Empire Union thing, with whom I could then have a constructive discussion. I was sure he would understand the delicate culture of the Nords much better if I personally introduced him to some of our finest nuances, such as big pointy metal objects and their special effect on thin necks of these Southerners. But a man needs a drink when a man needs a drink, and I definitely needed a drink after the long trip. So I spent some time looking for a place where I could try downing at least one decent mug of ale. In fact I found it. http://i.imgur.com/rxVAJ.jpg And then I woke up in here with no idea what happened between these two points. Or where my clothes were, for that matter. http://i.imgur.com/5R2e1.jpg More to the point, there was this pencil neck next to me doing what the pencil necks always do: talk talk talk. Gah! Can't I get rid of soddy neighbors even here?! http://i.imgur.com/Cyd9F.jpg Hello? Hello! Anyone?! I'm innocent! You can't sentence me for something I can't even remember! Hello! At least make the pencil neck shut up! I can do it for free if you open the door! http://i.imgur.com/W7XTH.jpg Finally, some sensible people! Darn right! You tell me what I'm doing here, okay! Hey! Why aren't you paying any attention to me?! In case you didn't notice, there is a big, muscular, and sparsely clothed Nord man in here! http://i.imgur.com/xmxdC.jpg Well finally! http://i.imgur.com/yerdR.jpg Why don't I like where this discussion is going? http://i.imgur.com/aSyT3.jpg Err, I'd like to go back to not being noticed now...okay? http://i.imgur.com/cfZFS.jpg No really man, you can't convince me to swing that way just because you have a huge amulet hanging from your... No! That's not how I meant it! http://i.imgur.com/b2nLY.jpg Whew. The old creep was dragged away by his guards to this totally well hidden secret door right in my cell. As much as I fear the possibility of bumping into him in the dark corner, I'd rather take my chances than spend anymore time listening to the pencil neck. Nyah! http://i.imgur.com/d29cu.jpg Oooookay, my keen Nord senses tell me they went that way. Mostly based on the fact that they locked the door. http://i.imgur.com/XDYMK.jpg Typical. No neat corridors and shiny lights for Lalli, but damp caves and dog sized rats. Well, at least I found something more manly to put on. http://i.imgur.com/2wJkS.jpg Gah! It's not just rats! I know those guys! They always come singing next to my bed on hangover mornings! http://i.imgur.com/7c5bl.jpg And they even dragged my Ex in here somehow! It's like the morning after, except I'm completely sober! I think... |
Excellent! :up:
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Love your AARs.
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http://i.imgur.com/SQya1.jpg
Whew! The Ex shut her trap just like the last time I hit her with an axe. Back to the shiny corridors and neat lights. And...ugh! Those guys! http://i.imgur.com/gY1ks.jpg No really, this is getting all too creepy now! I'm quite positive you can't have seen it! I would remember that! http://i.imgur.com/7lw9y.jpg Good thing he has these guards dragging him away all the time. Must be orderlies or something. And then there are these red robed guys who attack us all the time and scream. Maybe they are buddies of the creepo? In any case, it seems I have no option but to follow them. Stupid railroad plot... http://i.imgur.com/DSwAj.jpg And naturally they can't find their way out of a phonebooth! Foreigners! They have no traffic culture in where they come from! http://i.imgur.com/ZgDeR.jpg OK, now I've had it! You can't touch it, no matter if you try to bribe me with your huge amu...nevermind! Forget I said anything! http://i.imgur.com/Xbrdb.jpg Well finally! I have no idea where that scary dude came from, but he arrived just in time! The old man's face was worth seeing when he realized that he is not going to get me after all. http://i.imgur.com/w0yYR.jpg Oh come on, it was just an over aged closet boy. You'll get over it. Unless...you are one of them? http://i.imgur.com/qvkrs.jpg Yeah, he might just be. See, I have no idea why, but the guy in metal suddenly wanted to know all about me. I suppose it's still an improvement, so I gave him a few hints on how to be a real man. He could start by replacing that toy blade he stole from some anime series with a real puukko. http://i.imgur.com/vKP7W.jpg Why do people keep asking me that? http://i.imgur.com/WKXsf.jpg That's it! My manhood has been insulted and now they are going after my delicate culture! I'll have none of this! I'm going home to sit around wearing only boxers and drinking beer! |
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Finally! I'm out of that creep hole! Ugh! I need a drink... http://i.imgur.com/dQv0W.jpg Not all of that was bad, though. I'm sure this baubble will buy me a few rounds. http://i.imgur.com/RNdRX.jpg Ah, it seems I'm back in the Imperial City again. The heart of the Empire Union. Good! Now I can try continuing my quest. But first the priorities... http://i.imgur.com/gR9GJ.jpg This looks like a decent place... http://i.imgur.com/TDstx.jpg Seems promising. I'm taking just one for dry throat and then continue my quest. Cheers! http://i.imgur.com/cgWWH.jpg Wow, good stuff! http://i.imgur.com/6JLlp.jpg I'm the king of the drawer, I am, I am, I... http://i.imgur.com/3mHtD.jpg Who the [beeb] pulled that drawer from under me?! Gah! Bartender, another one! http://i.imgur.com/CXqdw.jpg I want to drink from these fancy cups like those ci-vi-li-zed Southern people... http://i.imgur.com/TxLc9.jpg And eat their exotic foods that are not covered in mold. But [beeb] why those [beeb, beeb, beebetybeeb] dishesh won't stay in one place?! http://i.imgur.com/lcupw.jpg I'll teach you to stay put and be eaten properly you bloody little runts! http://i.imgur.com/YqSoX.jpg Wooooooo! Look at me!! http://i.imgur.com/tKPQr.jpg Whuh?! What do you mean "don't dare to jump from there"?! I'll show you, [beeb] it! http://i.imgur.com/JkKLZ.jpg Errr, falling on metal helmet didn't make my head feel any better... http://i.imgur.com/AoYCQ.jpg I'm the captain of the ship, I am, I am, on high seas I am...I am...I... http://i.imgur.com/tspny.jpg [Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb] I'm druuuuuuuuuuuunk... |
Hahahaha :har:
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"And they dragged my ex in here somehow!" :rotfl2:
This looks hugely promising. I am all ears. |
http://i.imgur.com/HPrF2.jpg
Bleeeeeeeeeergh... http://i.imgur.com/XPLMU.jpg Ugh! My head! My chest! My liver! Where am I? http://i.imgur.com/icKrp.jpg And more importantly, why am I wearing a skirt?! http://i.imgur.com/VsQNw.jpg This black guy seemed to know something about it, so I asked, but he just laughed at me! I'll show him! Right now, behind the nearest sauna! http://i.imgur.com/wvnmx.jpg Apparently they don't even have Saunas on these southern barbarian lands, so the black man says we go up the stairs to some arena thing and fight. Fine by me. I just can't grasp why I need to wear the skirt to be allowed in there. http://i.imgur.com/X7Eh2.jpg This is so ridiculous. http://i.imgur.com/oY8FJ.jpg Hakkaa päälle! http://i.imgur.com/Yri3C.jpg Hey, that's no black man! Where is the black man? http://i.imgur.com/X67Gl.jpg On the other hand, does it really matter which pencil neck I hit first? http://i.imgur.com/USfIr.jpg On my way back to the black man I meet this especially ugly guy who, for some obscure reason, sees it necessary to tell me every detail of his sad childhood. http://i.imgur.com/UaKvo.jpg When I tell him to shut up, he writes me some directions and says I can go to this place to find this shrew Lady Lodovicus. Hooray! What's a "shrew"? http://i.imgur.com/rAzWY.jpg No matter. Why would I travel, when there is a gorgeous rack right here in front of me. I'll just use my witty charm to woo her. Ahem... Hey! You come here often? I can buy you a drink? http://i.imgur.com/jc2YN.jpg Ooo, hard to get, huh? That's okay. I'll impress you eventually. http://i.imgur.com/nN073.jpg The black man still refuses to fight me. Aha! I know! I fight so much in this arena place that I finally beat black man and then the gorgeous rack falls in love with me! Huzaa! http://i.imgur.com/HJkcP.jpg Bring it on! |
Älkää tappaa punapää!!! :o:huh::stare:
Great read so far! :haha: |
:rock:
makes me want to go and reinstall Oblivion! |
http://i.imgur.com/F8LZO.jpg
So I spend a day fighting a few pencil necks... http://i.imgur.com/Np0lr.jpg They fall easily to my manhood... http://i.imgur.com/NSOfD.jpg But the gorgeous is still not impressed! http://i.imgur.com/7NJcV.jpg Nor is the black man. Okay! More pencil necks it is then! http://i.imgur.com/JzWo0.jpg So I meet this guy who is totally trying to copy my manly style... http://i.imgur.com/zQlqj.jpg And then I do it like I prefer it in home too... http://i.imgur.com/M8yol.jpg All this pencil neck killing makes me understand that deep inside I have always felt this to be my true calling. http://i.imgur.com/HRtfA.jpg The increased knowledge also makes me realize my helmet is not my size at all. http://i.imgur.com/xMcKU.jpg Yeah! Bloodletter! That should make a impression to the gorgeous! http://i.imgur.com/hU4wS.jpg No? http://i.imgur.com/4aQQn.jpg Well bugger this all then! I'm going home to drink beer on my underwear and play WoW! http://i.imgur.com/7NRAM.jpg On the other hand, why wait until I get home? Cheers! |
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OK, I really have no clue how I ended up here, how all these guys ended up dead or why I'm wearing an old man's vest with fur boots and no pants... http://i.imgur.com/q8JAp.jpg But I do know from experience that the authorities never believe that explanation. So maybe I'll just see where this road goes instead. http://i.imgur.com/zyUyC.jpg OK, that's it, I never drink a drop again! I'm sick of these little green men following me everywhere! http://i.imgur.com/AeALI.jpg But on the other hand I just found this peasant shack with lots of homeless beer in it... http://i.imgur.com/3fJfa.jpg ...And decided to drink it in this respectable looking inn on the way. But first I'll find the proprietor. I know countryside inns like this always sell cheap local booze, so of course I'll have to try some of that too. http://i.imgur.com/Nctfg.jpg Hello! Beer and pretzels please! http://i.imgur.com/1ii1m.jpg What? No! Hands of the bling! The old creep in the sewers gave it to me and I'm keeping it! http://i.imgur.com/XatTN.jpg Uriel what? Look, I just want some booze! Do you serve any or not?! http://i.imgur.com/Jtrx9.jpg Oh great! Another life story! http://i.imgur.com/JHESO.jpg Look, whatever happened with your lover boy and you in your ancient youth is no my... http://i.imgur.com/oyaut.jpg I take it that means no booze for Lalli? Fine! Keep your establishment! I'm taking my money elsewhere! http://i.imgur.com/dKDEk.jpg [Beeb] yokels! Not only did they not serve any pretzels in there, they also robbed the amulet from me on the top of that! I'm going to tell the local watch in this castle! They'll get my bling-bling back! It's what these peasants pay taxes for! |
http://i.imgur.com/nRv0q.jpg
I was directed to this guy. As soon as I said the words: "Stole my bling bling..." http://i.imgur.com/ociqb.jpg ...I was taken to this old hag who revealed I'm not the first victim of the devious yokel thieves! Since she seemed important and all, I told her she could find her stuff from that countryside inn right next to the castle. http://i.imgur.com/5zk6a.jpg She was overjoyed for the information and in return quite literally gave me the keys to the city. Now I can access critical places barred from those lowborn peasants! http://i.imgur.com/aOBXJ.jpg Such as the castle's wine cellar. http://i.imgur.com/79Q4K.jpg [Hick], yeah, that's right! I need something stiff while waiting for the old hag and her army to go take my baubble back. That's what I pay taxes for! Yeah! http://i.imgur.com/cOgKq.jpg Errr, it's taking them long. I bet I could do it better than they could. I'm big and strong and manly and all. I could have been a police officer... http://i.imgur.com/sv3EH.jpg Or a real officer...yeah...I seeerved six months...Fatherland! Errr, Winter War...! http://i.imgur.com/KNsks.jpg I cooooooould have been the preeeeeesident! http://i.imgur.com/NENG7.jpg Bleergh, [beeb] that! More beer... |
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Bllbblblblblblbllbbb...uh...who the [beeb] is that? http://i.imgur.com/v56Qu.jpg GAH!! http://i.imgur.com/YAQJW.jpg Where the [beeb] am I? What is this place?! http://i.imgur.com/iha9t.jpg Why is that guy there next to me? http://i.imgur.com/0zlKc.jpg And what the [beeeeeeeb] am I wearing again?!! http://i.imgur.com/zydUZ.jpg I gotta get out! My, uh, back doesn't like cold, stony, skeletonish environment. Yeah, back, that's right... http://i.imgur.com/n7NY8.jpg Urgh, like this wasn't difficult enough with the key in mornings like this... http://i.imgur.com/bEnEU.jpg This complicated system is surely somehow related to the door. Maybe one of the shiny buttons opens it? Which one? The one from the right? Or left? Right? Left?! [Beeb] it, I'll just press all of them! http://i.imgur.com/M4hz5.jpg Uh oh... http://i.imgur.com/ZKO3M.jpg Look, I'm sorry if I took your drinks and you all died of thirst because of that! I didn't mean to leave nothing for you! Or maybe I did, but just a little! Honest!! http://i.imgur.com/xhvZc.jpg Whew, I lost them. I still have no exact idea where I am, but I know it's at least one of my favorite places. The kind with a big, shiny baubble, that is. http://i.imgur.com/ImphF.jpg And not only one, but two! Honestly, I think that thing looks like someone took a piece of corn filled cow manure and sticked a propeller into it, but I'm sure I can sell it to some clueless fools as a famous piece of modern art. I know exactly where... |
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It took a while, but I managed to find my way out of that place. Back to the Imperial City again. http://i.imgur.com/WDZ4F.jpg Mostly because as the biggest city in the area, it also has biggest amount of suckers. This one paid nicely for that piece of junk I found. http://i.imgur.com/k7Tzn.jpg And that, on the other hand, bought me lots of much more practical stuff. See man, this is how capitalism works: I sell junk and get booze. It makes everyone happy. http://i.imgur.com/Pm0A2.jpg I should have been an economist. Drinking always makes me understand deepest truths of life. http://i.imgur.com/jO2Dn.jpg Just as I'm in the middle of deep meditation... http://i.imgur.com/Bcobc.jpg This bald guy sits on my table and drags me outside for a talk. Good thing I'm too stoned to be worried... http://i.imgur.com/B0KvB.jpg He babbled some stuff about master and house, but finally just gave me this note and left in a huff. OK, fine, what's important enough to disturb my filosofizing? Blahblahblah wordswordswords yadayadayada. What the heck does "renumerate" mean anyway? http://i.imgur.com/UyaLa.jpg Oh, now I get it. Dictionary says it means: "Lalli gets mucholotsof money". So next morning I decide to go to this guy's house, which turns out to be pretty impressive. Maybe he was serious after all? http://i.imgur.com/OX5i2.jpg OK, with hair style like that I can understand he might be touched enough in head to really mean what he wrote. On one hand, when I was a kid my mom said that pointing and laughing at handicapped people is naughty... http://i.imgur.com/dmMgM.jpg But she never said a word about getting paid for it, so I'm off to start my career as a modern art dealer. http://i.imgur.com/TWGpl.jpg But not before I help myself to some of his refreshments. My doctor always said going adventuring with dry throat is not healthy. |
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http://i.imgur.com/jdO4r.jpg Eergh, why does every episode of my life have to start like this? At least I woke up in bed this time. It's not my bed, granted, but a bed nevertheless. With any luck, there will also be a sparsely clothed gorgeous somewhere in here too... http://i.imgur.com/KuH6F.jpg Typical... Well, who am I to look a gift excuse in the mouth when it comes calling? Yes, that's me: Lalli, the rat slayer! Fear my manly assets, you weasely rodents! I'm coming to get you! (And get far away from this hag while I'm at it too!) http://i.imgur.com/at2rf.jpg What the...?! http://i.imgur.com/czdY5.jpg If that's a rat, then I'm an absolutist! Screw this, I'm taking my chances with the hag after all! [Beeb], the crazy [beeb] locked the door! http://i.imgur.com/kB9GX.jpg I'm outta here! Make way, rats! Do what lion appetizers like you are naturally supposed to do! http://i.imgur.com/8ASEl.jpg Freedom! Blue on white forever! http://i.imgur.com/acysr.jpg Or then not. The hag found me just when I was researching the local pub culture and demanded to know what happened. So I told her she'd better not go down there for a while... http://i.imgur.com/0xsYQ.jpg And then I found out I was out of booze and she promised to pay my next round. That makes it a completely different matter then. So I'm getting this hunter guy and we are going to do some excatmination nearby. And then beer! http://i.imgur.com/sR3Ag.jpg How does this hag always find me when I'm boozing?! It's like she's always homing on me, no matter where I am. Is there really no way of getting rid of her?! In fact...I suppose there is... http://i.imgur.com/vq4Ae.jpg Before becoming an adventurer, I never had seriously considered the pros and cons of being eaten by a lion. OK! Here I come! Not afraid at all! http://i.imgur.com/jooR0.jpg After having a constructive discussion with my friend Mr. Axe, the over grown kitten agrees that it would be much more sensible for it to bite dust than biting my arm off. Victory is mine! And as the saying goes: to the victor... http://i.imgur.com/RJ8T8.jpg ...go the spoils. What a glorious sight! This situation just demands me to prove how great singers all the Nords naturally are. I know exactly the tune too. Now how did it go again...OK, here we go... Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall... http://i.imgur.com/OClOY.jpg Ninety-nine bottles of [hic] beer! http://i.imgur.com/QKYlp.jpg If...ooone Noord like...meee... http://i.imgur.com/Rnl5Q.jpg Comes into the...ball...[beeb]...haaaaall... http://i.imgur.com/RUEva.jpg Theeeres no longer any beeeeer heere at aaaaaall... ...Glxblt... |
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I'm a little misty on details of what happened after the last bottle of wine had been emptied. But I remember finding myself in front of this church with very slippery stairs. And with a burning torch in my hand too. http://i.imgur.com/Rw2G2.jpg I decided to go inside and see if they would have any Eucharist wine for my headache and found these three jolly fellows there having a party. Being naturally funny and charming guy, I of course joined the fun! http://i.imgur.com/kfp2E.jpg The food was great, but a little under cooked for my taste. I prefer potato chips with my beer anyway. http://i.imgur.com/YkqDE.jpg But despite of that, we had a lot of fun with my new friends. Who knew the church folks could party like that when not wearing all white? http://i.imgur.com/4jsXq.jpg The light effects were great too and wow, did they have some great booze that got even my head spinning around the ceiling! http://i.imgur.com/7VKOB.jpg As the party went on, I also met some of their friends. I didn't want to insult my hosts feelings, but man, those guys should really see from dictionary what the words "personal hygiene" mean. http://i.imgur.com/G9sYJ.jpg It was all fun and great, until I decided to go for a little refreshing swim in the nearby river. http://i.imgur.com/l99GX.jpg My next memory is me waking up in this little fishing village's main street. I'm sure there is a good and natural explanation to this all, but no time to dwell on it now. Time to act like a man and get up. http://i.imgur.com/ajoaT.jpg And naturally check out the local pub while I'm at it. Maybe these yokels serve some of that famous countryside moonshine I've heard about. http://i.imgur.com/FT2rB.jpg The bartender and I are immediately on the same wave lenghts. So I ask her about this local wine of theirs. She really likes giving me all sorts of details about it, but there is only one thing I want to know... http://i.imgur.com/k4r2w.jpg That's good enough for me! My infallible nose will take care of the rest! Sniff sniff sniff sniff... http://i.imgur.com/hux39.jpg ...Sniff sniff sniff sniff...There! http://i.imgur.com/VSYYp.jpg Onwards on glorious quest for better refreshments! Huzaa! http://i.imgur.com/CebVn.jpg For it, however, I need to fight some of the unfortunate guys who succumbed to the thirst before finding it... http://i.imgur.com/285Gq.jpg And then these folks who smell like me after sleeping in my own vomit... http://i.imgur.com/f0meS.jpg But I bravely wade forward in the plumbers nightmare... http://i.imgur.com/yx8eH.jpg ...And no bone leaves unturned. It's here somewhere! I can smell it! It's getting closer! It's calling me... http://i.imgur.com/O1ZjJ.jpg BINGO!!! http://i.imgur.com/dBBFs.jpg Wow man, this stuff is incredible! More!! http://i.imgur.com/OItoX.jpg I need more!! |
:har:
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Brilliant AAR.:salute::har:
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My epic quest takes me to another mysterious ruins, this time filled with over grown doggies... http://i.imgur.com/6GHke.jpg Rats... http://i.imgur.com/hGqRM.jpg And a local junkie suffering from one serious hangover. http://i.imgur.com/NfS2g.jpg It all went well with him, until we ran out of booze and I was forced to assert my right to the last drops... http://i.imgur.com/jcJcN.jpg ...Based on me having bigger axe at hand. http://i.imgur.com/fo4xh.jpg Ugh, no wonder he was such trouble. Turns out the guy was a real emo. I think I did him a favor by putting him out of his middleclass misery. http://i.imgur.com/0XzWL.jpg He had some boring books... http://i.imgur.com/Ne3vX.jpg Was queer enough to wear baubbles... http://i.imgur.com/LRIsx.jpg Apparently kept the inheritance from his honorable warrior father stuffed in one chest... http://i.imgur.com/Xrhz0.jpg And even kept a diary about his miserable failures with the opposite sex. But those are not the worst offences. No. The worst thing is... http://i.imgur.com/F7oWW.jpg HE DRANK ALL THE MAGIC BOOZE!!!! :wah: http://i.imgur.com/1Y6Af.jpg Sigh. There is only one bottle of normal left. I suppose it will do. I'm sure I can find some friends for this lonely bottle in tavern nearby... |
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