Bad childhood I want to stop thinking about. Any ideas?
 

My parents screamed and fought with each other all the time, my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was very bipolar. They divorced when I was only 9 years old, and after that I became extremely sick and started peeing blood and got diagnosed with renal failure.

I was quite the sickly child. It persisted till I was 16, when I required chemotherapy and months of intense hospitalization. I was only a kid (and then a teen) and I remember being so scared, so confused, so unsure about anything.

Now I'm 19 and I'm much better, even relatively healthy I'd say, I go to college, and I try as hard as I can to be upbeat and sociable and likeable. I've even had girlfriends!

But I've been very sad inside, and I try really hard to keep it in. Thoughts about how I grew up constantly haunt me every day. Thinking about all that time I spent and everything that happened to me in that hospital. I don't tell anyone how insecure and weak I feel, how extremely fearful I am to die young, how worthless and small I feel. I get extremely anxious about the simplest things, even if I don't show it, and I deep down don't believe I'll ever amount to anything. When I talk to people I stare them right in the eye because I'm afraid if I don't they'll realize how weak I actually am.

I have trouble finding employment because I'm not exactly the most confident guy. Even when I do feel confident, I think I come off as crazy more than anything else...

I know its popular to blame your crappy childhood nowadays on your emotional problems, but I only just recently made the connection, and I know my childhood probably damaged me in some ways. I don't want to be haunted anymore by bad memories, or at least I don't want them to get in the way of the rest of my life. What do I do?

Umm you've been suffering a lot and for quite some time from your story.

You need to forgive the people who you resented or still do. You must mean it.[easier said than done I know, I need to forgive some people too. In fact I'm burdened with it first and foremost because God gave me example to follow, secondly because I gave my word in one prayer minister home, that was stupid as it bonded me. What freaked me while doing so the burning candle fire was shifting in and out of space!!! No kidding, it wasn't blowing in and out but shifting in and out of existence/view rapidly and burning up the whole new thick candle in a matter of seconds while the fire shifting in and out of view rapidly in normal size!!!. I wondered if it was God doing it or some other forces. I know the God whom I worship but who knows the God that that prayer minister worships lol, but I have no evidence to the contrary]

I'd say find solace in God. Try praying even if it sounds stupid.

To be truth most people are never that useful. Their usefulness is only as far as filling their own stomach and their family's for their whole lifetime.

No one is really that useful.

I'd also suggest not to try to be something but to be your very self. That is to be a genuine person instead trying to be upbeat or likable.

I sincerely believe everyone is special. That or no one is. :DL. People are so much alike inside. The way we react, feel. We all want the best out of our time here. I think by being genuine and a good person you'll accomplish much more than trying hard to please or be accepted or being selfish and superficial.

Trying to find explanations for your bad feelings and apportioning 'blame' for them is a common human trait- we all do it.

But it gets us nowhere.

All that matters is the 'right now', and from what you say: "Now I'm 19 and I'm much better, even relatively healthy I'd say, I go to college, and I try as hard as I can to be upbeat and sociable and likeable. I've even had girlfriends!", sounds like you're doing ok to me. Forget the past, it really has gone.

No point at all in worrying about the future either. Just gotta get on with it! Party on!:woot:

RedMenace,

there is much truth in what Flaxpants said.

The past is finished. All that counts is the here and now and future to work on. Find yourself in real life a friend or partner you can trust on.

Do not let the past and your bad experiences rule your life for another 19 years; not even for another day.

I am pretty sure that you are on a better way right now.

Edit: Come on... You are nineteen, that is when the real fun starts, make it happen!

danasan

People who haven't been in traumatic past life can't understand that the victim carries those traumatic experience into their life.

Be it in emotional, psychological scars or even physical ailments.

A victim needs foreclosure and forgiveness brings that. Provided that he or she has completely been freed from her traumatic experience or conditions.

People are not robots nor they have super strength to deal with their problems without difficulty nor can they just casually cut loose ties with their traumatic past.

often if mishandled their traumatic past would turn them to be the kind of people that they hate unwillingly or they destroy their own life out of their own victimization.

Sorry, I have been through almost the same childhood as he was. With brutality and all. I had never talked about it until I was 31 years old.

And got me some professional help after having a mental breakdown - almost too late.

Maybe I should have mentioned that in my first post.

Edit: Now I am 46 years and much better...

I'm inclined to agree. And that is why I would suggest professional help. Not in a belittling way, but because they are usually far more qualified to help with matters like these than a group of friendly and well meaning forum writers. And besides, the two methods don't exclude each other.

RedMenace, you say you are going to college. I suppose your college offers some sort of help for students having such problems? At least ours do, I know since I'm a student myself. So if I were in your situation, my first step would be contacting them and seeing where it goes from there.

Now that I think about it... almost everyone's been through something traumatic, I guess. Everyone's probably a little jilted one way or the other, maybe I should stop thinking about myself so much.

Depends on what you consider traumatic. Some people get endless supply of drama from spilling the milk to the floor or hitting their thumb with a hammer. What you described is something completely different and you said yourself how much it bothers you. Sure, you can stop thinking about it. The same way as you can clean a house by putting all the dust under a carpet. I know how cliche it is to say something like that, but trust me: in this one instance I know what I'm talking about.

That's it. These things are never a small problem. You should know. Trying to ignore it or trying to make it small would only accumulate the problems only to explode in a destructive way later on in life and often when it is too late and after much destruction to self and to other people.

I tend to agree with Hottentot about getting professional help. And I may add to seek spiritual side of you. To find solace in God. The thing is RedMenace should not be too hard on himself. One thing for sure he's on the right track by opening up and trying to get help even by simply starting this thread. That speaks of the hope that he has within him. For that alone it shows he has the awareness and willingness to bring closure. H e wants to move on to better things and has some optimism. If victim can reflect back or talk about their traumatic experience with ease or without distress it is always a sign of healing.

Oh I definitely agree with you. If it was as simple as just forgetting about the past, I probably would have done it long ago.

But... there's a lot of pain in this world, you know? Lots and lots and lots.

The pain is because you're still holding on to grudge or resentment. In other words witholding forgiveness. Victims usually feel this way especially if the conditions of their victimization still persist or still being experienced on regular basis.

It helps when you know we will all successfully die and that the very people who hurt you are definitely hurt people themselves even when they appear otherwise. They are troubled people themselves and I must say lacking love and even hoping for outpouring of love from the people surrounding them. Even when it is anger or aggression that they are showing. Aggression is love misplaced and rejected after all. If you dig deep these people often explode crying. They need love and forgiveness and forgiving people who hurt them. Unfortunately only God is aware of their condition. And often only God can love them unconditionally. The God whom they never seek and who often hide Himself from them for whatever reason.

The past is no more, and the future is uncertain and still not here. The only thing we have for sure, is this one present moment. Nothing exists outside of it.

The emotional pain you feel is because you stuck to things that are not any longer, and the loss you experienced when your parents disappointed you and let you down. Analysing and endlessly discussing things with your friends or your own inner voice, doe snot make it any better. It just forms these memories a nice and warm nest to settle down in.

However, it is not the things themselves that bother us and make us mourning or fearing them but it is our evaluation, our commenting, our note-giving to which we attach all the time. Like in a reflex, a memory comes up - and immediately an inner dialogue starts to flow down the channels of our inner mind. And the more often this is repeated, the deeper the channel digs its bed into our mind.

Do not try to "manage" your sadness, no human can do that, trying it only delays the healing, may hide it from the surface, but only at the price of it becoming stronger and stronger. One day you'll meet it again unexpectedly but then it easily could have turned into something that overwhelms you.

Instead of doing something, let it go. Just this: let it.

Now, for us modern hyperactive, omnipotent brainmonsters used to manage even the worst of the worst disasters and never show a sign of weakness or pessimism, this is easier said than done. And if we nevertheless let things be, and some time later tell ourselves or our friends we successfully let things go, we nevertheless are still occupied by them plus the illusion of having let them go. Our luggage has grown.

But there is something you can do, and that is to always lead your mind back to the present moment you live in, your breathing, the most imminent and immediate thing you currently do. Neither become angry with yourself nor try to fight against your mind when you realize you have drifted back into past memories again and you feel sad again. Just recall that even the next minute is most uncertain and that your current stroke of breath is the only thing that you really have. Patiently lead your drifting mind back to the present moment. Dont evaluate the inner images of the past. Refuse to comment on them once you became aware you are drifting again. When you realize you drift, gently lead yourself back to the present moment. Do it time and again. You will do it very, very often. After some time, you will have turned it into a habit. That is good. When the habit has become so omnipresent that there are no more interruptions between different times when you practice it, then you are truly free.

Pain like yours cannot be "managed". It cannot be made to turn away. It needs to heal naturally, all by itself, in the time that it takes. It will not take too much or too few time. It will just take that time that it takes, not more and not less. Seen that way, it is perfect, and always right on time. That must be a tough nut for an impatient 19 year old, eh?

The past is no more. The future is not yet to be. All life is within this present single moment. Understanding this is key to everything. In this understanding lies true and unlimited freedom. In the end, everything we believe to experience, is temporal only and cannot last, and if we try to form our felicity by making temporal things everlasting, we necessarily must get disappointed, for they will go sooner or later. This is even true with regard to love, and parents. But we do not suffer because these things are hurting us or are not in order. Things just are the way they are, and we are free to let them go and move on, or to cling to them and allow them to occupy us. In other words: we suffer because we are not in order.

Life often is said to be a voyage. So travel on and leave behind your current stay. Bon voyage!

I just want to add there is a mistake that most victims do

To deem their victimization too personally,


It is NOT YOU. You just happen to be there at the time. It helps if victim could at least try to detach themselves out of their victimization in a less personal way. It wasn't because of you. It was probably even not because of the perpetrator but because of conditioning prevailing in the perpetrator at the time. It was never personal even when the perpetrator think otherwise. It wasn't because of you. So don't be too hard on yourself and have a relief KNOWING it WASN'T you. it could have been anybody else. If you can, take it one step higher. Be glad it happened to you than anybody else.

Thanks. I needed that to calm myself down. I do let my inner dialogue talk myself into insanity. That damned mind, always trailing off.

Thank you! I was just going to say that. It is a main progress to find exactly that fact out.

danasan

No problem :DL

That damned mind is you! ;) And it just functions in the way it is designed, seen that way it functions flawlessly and proves that it is in order. What is driving you crazy is no your mind, and is not your eyes you see with and not your ears you hear with, but is your ever-rambling always self-focussed ego that always takes itself very!!! important and claims an own existence although it is just illusory by nature. It abuses this tool your mind is.

If you want to change that, change the attitude in which you meet the world, in the present moment. Staying focussed on what you do in the present, your mind then becomes clear and settled - and then finds the calmness and clearity and power to take out your ego, like sunbeams penetrate clouds and dissolve them if the sun's warmth is just powerful enough. The ego, like clouds, exists as a phenomenon, but it has no real substance of its own.

This does not mean your history will all of a sudden change, and your memories would be different or no longer be there. They will stay the same. But the pain will not have power over you again, you pick it up if you choose to have a look at it, like you take an appel in the store, and you then put it back if you have decided that it was enough and that you do not like it.

That is freedom from pain: not wishing to fight and supress pain (which is impossible since pain is inevitable part of life in a temporal world), but not getting ruled by it, but to handle it in the way you like to do, by your own terms and conditions.

Sorry I can't help you, I'm younger than you

but looking at your sig, are you going to defcon this year?

Good advices and points here raised by all of you, you guys gave some great advice, and hats off to Skybird - that's an honest compliment as I don't say this very often ;)

One thing Red, your experiences in life are what shaped you, your character, your personality, this is also something so have to keep in mind. If you were born with a silver spoon you certainly would have become a different person. So you have to accept that this past is a part of you - which does not mean that you should let it control your life or think about it any second, but no matter how you turn it, it is part of who you are.

When you exchange yourself with others who also had a bad past, you should not see it like you stated in your second post "Oh, others went through bad stuff, too and I shouldn't think too much about myself as I'm nothing special" :down:
The thing you can learn from an exchange is that the bitch called fate has no personal vendetta against you and certainly experiences from others can broaden your perspective.

Music and literature can also be a powerfull weapon to deal with these things, if you search a little, you will find many others who put their experiences into words and sounds. If you want you can pm me and I can put together a list of stuff that I can recommend.

I don't know how how much physical exercise your medical condition allows you to do. For many people it helps to "let it all out" through exhausting sports, for example Martial Arts or running. "The loneliness of the long distance runner" by Sillitoe would be one of the books in my literature list.

I somehow got into Punkrock in my late teens. For me it helped, to find people who thought in the same line - or more true: outside of them ;) And half an hour of slamdance can substitute one year at a psychiatrist :88) Most of my friends I have today and since many years are people who walked the same way. In my circle of friends, most of them are somehow damaged goods, don't want to go into too much details, but you can find any imaginable fate and experiences among them. Maybe that's why we are tight knitted and stand there for each other, maybe in some way as a family substitute, a family we have chosen by ourselves - your parents are neither your choice nor your fault.

I also want to point out again, what others here already said: value the things that you managed to accomplish by yourself. It was you who managed to find a girlfriend and it was you who earned his way into college. You did this all by yourself! Stick to this thinking, man! Others can advice you, and you should keep an open mind to it, what you seem to have, as you proved this in this thread. However in the end it is you who has do find your own way to deal with all this stuff.