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I'm writing a movie

Well, I originally posted in another subforum, but I think you guys down here might enjoy it more...

I just started writing it for fun - maybe it'll go somewhere

"Wet Dog - The Fleet Boats"

Quote:

*Enter* - show Gato docked at sunrise, few men on deck untying mooring lines

[Timpani quiet roll to base drum crash w/ gong/crash symbol. Go to black - gold lettering "Wet Dog"]

[Fade letters to "The Fleet Boats"]

[Slide show of combat camera footage (still and video)]

Narrator: It was a long war - and not one we wanted to be in - but we were there.
Every day - every night, only the muffled sound of our engines - and the crashing sea
We knew where we were - and that if anybody else were to as well - it could be the end.
Three watches - morning, noon, and night.
Nobody like the day watch. Wasn't much better than the night - but it had that extra element of fear.
In daylight, you could be spotted. No cloak of darkness to hide behind.
Not exactly ships we were worried about. It was the aircraft - the scorpion of the skies - that we were afraid of.
And when you saw one - all hell broke loose.
Sometimes it'd be a lone patrol plane - maybe a passing fighter. Not too much to worry about.
We'd just stay up and fight it out.
But more often than not - it was one of those goddamned flying boats. Armed to the teeth and determined to see your oil slick.
When you saw one of those - time slowed down. Instinct kicked in - the same every time.
Alarm call, down the hatch, diving stations. Alarm, down the hatch, diving stations...
Sometimes we got lucky - they didn't see us.
But others - we got caught with our pants down - in the middle of the dive.
Then we had a real problem - depth charges.
Sealed in a drum - sometimes 125 degrees - sounded like somebody pounding away with a hammer on the outside.
Sometimes one got close - we'd pitch and roll - desperately fighting to stay on even keel.
It was that feeling you really remembered - the helplessness - the fear.
That's what got to you.

[End slide show]

*To scene* - in a bar - oldies music playing - decorated like an old sea shack
Some men dressed in their khakis and some not - some talking - some sitting there with their heads down

[Close up of a clean shaven man with his hat on, standing up with minor decorations displayed]

*Freeze frame*

Narrator: Thats captain Myers - bravest man I ever met. Never knew much about him - but its a good bet he's saved my ass on more than one occasion.

*Unfreeze* Show young, country looking boy taking a shot *Refreeze*

Narrator: That's Neil Johnson - my best friend - and one hell of a mean drunk; met him my first day on the boat. Him and I have been in and out of more trouble than anyone else on the boat.

*Unfreeze* To focus on a red headed nerdy looking guy sitting on a stool depressed *Refreeze*

Narrator: And that's me - Warrant Officer Johnathan Davis.

*Unfreeze* [Female bar tender enters scene]

Bar tender: What's got you down, sailor?

Johnathan: I don't know - just missing my folks back in Maine. Leaving on patrol again tomorrow. Rumor has it some of us are goin' home after this one...

Bar tender: Well-

*Focus on Capt. Myers, sound of tapping on a beer bottle is heard*

Myers: As some of you may have heard, tomorrow morning we set forth on our final patrol as a unit. We're being rotated.

[Cheering]

Myers: Now, as it does seem fit, I propose a toast. To the Gato, to the United States, and on to Japan!

[Loud cheering]

Myers: Now don't have too much fun tonight - we shove off at 0800 with you, or without

*Fade to black*

Johnathan: We had to carry Neil back to base that night - kicking and screaming all the way - drunk - as usual.
Didn't bother me much - not like I was going to get any sleep either.

*Fade into barracks, men asleep, two women standing at the door looking in*

Woman one: (Solemnly) Such a shame they don't even know...

Woman two: Know what?

Woman one: You haven't heard? Tomorrow they're going to Tokyo...

*Fade back into black*

*Fade into scene of narrator and Neil walking towards the submarine at sunrise*

Johnathan: You know - Neil - I really have a bad feeling about this one. I don't know what it is - but it isn't good.

Neil: Na, man, we've done it all now. There ain't nothin' can touch us. Them Japs-

[Switch to view of sailor on conning tower]

Sailor: You cowards comin or what? Come on, we leave in 20 minutes!

Johnathan: Looks like we better get on it. Don't want to be last in line for steak dinner tonight!

Neil: Last one up the gangway bunks in the engine room! Haha, alright lets go.

*Switch to scene of men crowded around the control room, Captain Meyers in the center*

Myers: Well - I guess its about time to reveal our destination - and I know you guys aren't gonna' like it. This time - we're goin into Tokyo bay *gasps heard*; straight to the heart of the enemy - we've been assigned to hit em' where it hurts. And if that isn't enough, we've got a rendezvous with a force just off the Phillipines. Came down through intel that Yamato and Musashi will be cruising in the area, along with just about every other big gunned battleship in the IJN. It's our job to find them, and, if possible, put some of them out of action.

*Pause*

Myers: Men, I know it isn't going to be easy - and I don't think its right that command is expecting so much - but I also know that if there's ever been a crew that can do it, I'm looking right at it.

*Pause again*

Myers: As you were.

Myers: (Whispering to his ranking officers) I don't want you guys to show an ounce of fear. If one of you cracks, so does the rest of the boat.

[Show narrator returning to the bunks]

*Enter bunks - Neil sitting on his*

Johnathan: Where were you? Myers was just telling us where we're headed this time. We're goin to-

Neil: I already know. Tokyo. And we're goin' after the center fleet on the way in. *Stammering* I - I just don' know what to think. I never had so much - apprehension - bout' anything before.

*Long Pause*

Neil: I din't wanna' admit it to you, but, I'm scared jus' as well as anyone else on this boat.

Johnathan: Its alright, man-

Neil: No, it ain't. On all our other patrols we' been up 'gainst merchants and maybe a convoy escort. It's always been the same getaway - dive - silent - wait. It's somethin' I've gotten used to - even the depth charges didn't get me worried too much till now.

*Pause again*

Neil: But if we're goin' up against the main fleet - it just ain't gonna' be that easy. I've heard the stories - bout' other subs runnin' across large forces - bein' depth charged for hours on end - hundreds of em' - with 10 or 20 destroyers up top. I also heard that most them boys don't get out'a situations like that. I just don' know if I'll be able't take it...

*Johnathan sighs*

Johnathan: I know you can. You did not make Chief Engineer by sitting around thinking about all the things you can't do.

Neil: Alright. Thanks man - I needed that.

Johnathan: Any time. I'm right here with you - all the way to the end.

Anonymous sailor in other compartment of ship: Davis! Cap***8217; Myers wants to see you in the control room ASAP!

Johnathan (calling back): Alright! I***8217;m coming!

Neil: Hey John***8217;, you promise ya***8217;ll keep up to date on what***8217;s goin on the next few weeks, alrigh?

Johnathan: Sure thing, man. I***8217;ll drop a word in if something happens.

What do you think?

****ing language filter.

Not a bad start.

A couple of "rules" (more a set of guidelines) to consider:

Each page of a screenplay is roughly 1 minute of screentime; try not to hit more than two discrete scenes (w/dialog) per page.

Keep your final product at ~90 pages, if you're looking for mass-market big screen distribution.

Introduce your characters. (For instance:

Quote:

CLOSEUP of a clean-shaven man, CAPT MYERS, with his hat on, standing up with minor decorations displayed.

Minimize narration: Voice overs (VOs) are good for documentaries, but if you want an action/adventure flick, VOs will lose the audience quick. Let the characters and the director tell the story.

Hope this helps. I'm married to a screenwriter and work occasionally with a writer/producer.

That makes sense

I figured on the narrator giving brief intros to the main characters first, with a lot of surprising and revealing things coming from the characters themselves later

*Spoiler Alert*

Neil is a coward

Oh, and I'm considering adding a bit more to the bar scene

Quote:

Narrator: Thats captain Myers - bravest man I ever met. Never knew much about him - but its a safe bet he's saved my ass on more that one occasion.

Quote:

What do you think?

I think thats my last name :D

Other than that, I do have to agree with Growler, even though I only have some indie film experience. Voiceovers, even in the beginning, can get pretty boorish. It sounds like an interesting idea, I'll certainly be following it...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anthony W. (Post 1660034)

That makes sense
...with a lot of surprising and revealing things coming from the characters themselves later
...[SNIP]...
Oh, and I'm considering adding a bit more to the bar scene

First part: Yup - the characters are/should be the reason the audience is there (unless you're making a special effects showcase, in which case, I'll bow out here). Let the characters, through dialog and action, tell the tale. We want it to happen to them and with them, not hear about it from a disembodied voice. There's no emotional investment in a Narrator.

Second part: Maybe. When screenwriting, it's usually better to start simple and add gradually, rather than cut excess away, since cutting is more likely to lead to continuity problems like characters who who thought you cut suddenly chirping in a line in a scene. Besides, didn't we get enough bubbleheads in bars in Das Boot? :)

If you've not read it already, read David Mamet's Bambi vs. Godzilla. It's enlightening, and it's terrifying. If you can make it past all that and remain dedicated to your story, get ready for one helluva ride.

My wife and her writing partner have been at the screenwriting business for about ten years now; it looks like their first big commercial success project may begin filming this summer. Between them, they've got some forty projects - film, novels, and cable TV - in various stages of development. You CAN do it, but be prepared to work hard and sell yourself to make it fly.

Keep me in the loop with this project, if you like. Let's see where this goes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Growler (Post 1660214)

Keep me in the loop with this project, if you like. Let's see where this goes.

Thats the plan :)

I might go ahead and film the first scene minus the intro to see how it looks

Time to get looking for a bar...

And I think I'll go ahead and rewatch Das Boot so I don't make it too similar

If I can't get a bar, I'll make some minor edits and change it to an Officer's Club - I'm sure I can rent it for a night

Added control room scene - where the destination and objective of the patrol is revealed.

I added a bunk room scene

Made edits for realism

I might be restarting this purely out of boredom.

Some of my friends who do a lot of media editing are starting to get a bit interested. If I go to Florida here in a few months, I'll actually be filming the first scene just to see how it looks.

Go or no go, you are having fun with the creative process, and that is what matters. :up:

I've decided how the movie ends.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anthony W. (Post 1945168)

I've decided how the movie ends.

There wil be a...
http://cdn3.hark.com/images/000/496/...2/original.jpg

FIREFIGHT !!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Betonov (Post 1945173)

There wil be a...
http://cdn3.hark.com/images/000/496/...2/original.jpg

FIREFIGHT !!!!!!!

No, that's more towards the middle, remember, Battle of the Philippine Sea hehe

SPOILER ALERT: Nobody dies.

But I'll find a way to make it a tear jerker.

Right, sub movie.

A one-on-one deathmatch between two captains ala ST2: Wrath of Khan :hmmm: ??

I need to work on figuring out which IJN ships were damaged/sank by subs during Philippine Sea

Easy the USS Albacore sank the IJNS Taiho and the USS Cavalla sank the IJNS Shokaku both where CVs.

They really need to do something about the overly sensitive "naughty word corrector" I am getting tired of foreign names getting blocked that are not even close to any foul word.Or what ever is causing that.

If I attempt to post the Japanese spelling it gets blocked.

Sh***333;kaku

Taih***333;

I guess the software does not like non English spelling it hates the Japanese ***333;

It was more of an air battle being known as the "Great Marianas Turkey Shoot" do to the decimation of the IJN flying corps by the US Navy pilots.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stealhead (Post 1945266)

Oh I know all about the Turkey Shoot - F6F's had a ball shooting japs to hell.

I'm going to say that this fictional crew sank the Shokaku - then were attacked by destroyers.

The forum software is a bit sensitive when it comes to foreign languages. Watch what happens when I try and put something in katakana into here:

***32724;***40372;

Looks fine in the typing section, but hit 'Submit reply' and...

***32724;***40372;

It all goes Pete Tong.

Same thing happens with Cyrillic. The change happened about a year or so ago I think, the Japanese and Chinese sub-section forums became a real mess...