Granted but his 437 pound Mother has the hots for you. The very obese Mrs. Targetting should be by your abode later today for some love'n.

I wish my Swiss Army (tm) Magical Sword of Power had come with a can opener.

Granted, but your fresh out of cans to try it on.

I wish the mechanism was fluent.

Granted, the mechanism is fluent in effluent which is now fluent in your front room.

I wish gathering moss was a rolling stone's only job.

Granted, but it still doesn't pay a damn thing.

I wish that I was not in fact out of V-Fusion Pomegranate Blueberry juice.

Granted but in fact your supply has been filtered through a sweaty gym sock.

I wish there was beer in the fridge.

Granted, there is beer in my fridge but yours is full of cranberry juice.

I wish that beer flowed more freely.

Granted, down your chin and into your lap giving everyone the impression you haved pi$$ed yersel...again!

I wish the way forwards was behind me.

Granted, but to fulfill this wish we have to essentially break down your body and radically re-engineer it to make this possible.

I wish that China didn't exist, and that Europe was once more the manufacturing superpower it used to be.

Granted, Europe is now the world leader in the manufacture of Chinese.

I wish eggs were cubes.

Granted, but every chicken with a sore ar$e is out looking for you.

I wish those endangered species were less dangerous.

Granted, but they nevertheless erase humanity from the face of the earth.

I wish that to Err was human and to Arr was pirate.

Granted. Arr, you now find yourself with parrot, peg-leg and eye patch off the coast of Somalia and in the sights of a US Navy sniper whom is unlikey to Err.

I wish taco meat contained less cat.

Granted, it now contains more rat.

I wish that Michael Bay had never made the abomination that is Pearl Harbor.

Granted, he was instead chosen to make Das Boot.

I wish I could stop imagining the Michael Bay version of Das Boot.

Granted, you now imagine the musical comedy Bollywood version of No Country for Old Men.

I wish I knew how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.