| Armistead |
05-28-15 05:51 PM |
My brother lets the worse farts possible. Those silent ones that would make a maggot gag. Younger days as a teen our family went to a fundy baptist church. Ever so often some youth would fart and cause people to go into laughing fits, not that way with my brother, he let those silent ones knock a buzzard off a crap wagon right during preaching and he could keep a straight face through the entire ordeal. He had a look he gave, our eyes would meet and he'd sort of lift his eyebrow and I knew hell was coming.
Like a rogue wave, you'd watch expression of peoples faces as it traveled, one by one, praying it wouldn't reach you. I would promise God right then to quit masturbating. You can't stop laughing at people, knowing you better stop laughing before it reaches you. I watched the guy next to me turn green and I knew I was next, tried to stop laughing, took a deep breath, but I got a good whiff. Things went black and I got dizzy. I got up, not being rude, headed for the alter. This is typical in a baptist church, anyone gets the urge during preaching can just head on down. Why you never ate lunch to 2PM on Sunday.. Preacher looked at me and said " do you seek salvation?" With tears in my eyes, I replied with a firm "yes i do!".
Next, crippled lady in a wheel chair gets up and opens the window. Preacher thought healed and praised the Lord. A few of my youth friends caught on and to escape, they came to the alter too. Preacher said the spirit was moving, but we knew that it was much more than the spirit that came out of my brothers ass. Several youth on the alter with red faces, tears in their eyes, sure it looked spiritual. Old Ms Johnson fell over when it hit her, preacher thought spirit slayed her, but fart killed her outright. Later at her funeral 5 more was saved, so he said it was worth it.
With all the fuss on our side the aisle, those on the other side weren't to be outdone. We had one old fat black lady in the church, one black was allowed as long as they were old. She was like a spiritual lady, people listened to her. When the fart hit her, she hollered out "da angels done broke the 7th seal, judgement day is here!" so that really got people stirred up and revival broke out.
The choir hit the old gospel, "softly and tenderly" but there was nothing soft or tender about my brothers farts, yet he still sit there stone cold as the entire church was headed for the alter. Saw the church mouse heading out the back. The entire youth group ....rededicated and several people got saved. The Lord does work in mysterious ways!
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