I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.

Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.

When someone doesn't like something, it's often because they're not familiar with it, or they're too familiar with it.

You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

Right there with you, Brother! :Kaleun_Salute:

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.

An adult is a person who no longer grows in height, but instead grows in length and width.

Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.

re Scotch Whisky
"Scotland has somehow convinced the whole world that it is a luxury to lick a disinfected wooden floor"

A bikini is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.