Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo! !" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again.

A man was walking along the beach one day, when he happened to pass by a very lovely young woman that didnt have any arms or legs, gently sobbing to herself...

'Why the tears?' he asked.
She says, 'I'm 18 years old and i've never been kissed.'
The man pauses for a moment, then smiles and gives her a soft kiss on the head.
She laughs a little and puckers up so he gives her a big kiss on the lips.
They pause for an unsure moment and then shes says 'You know... i'm 18 years old... and i've never been fu*ked!' The man stands up starts smiling and grabs the young woman by the hair and tosses her into the sea.
She starts screaming and bobbing up and down, then the man shouts; 'WELL YOU'RE FU*KED NOW DARLING!'

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Ginger, get away from her before she ****s on you!"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[quote=jimbuna]Dennis Rodman finds abottle on beach and picks it up. Suddenly a female genie appears.

"Master, I may grant you one wish," she says with a smile.
"Don't you know who I am, bitch? I don't need no woman to give me nothin", yells Dennis.
The genie pleads with him, "But Master! I must grant you one wish or go back to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks it over, grumbles about the inconvenience of it all, but relents. "Okay. I wanna wake up in the mornin' with three women in my bed. So just do it! Now leave me alone!"
"So be it," says the genie, who's a little annoyed by this time. And the very next morning, Dennis awakens to find three women in his bed; Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone. His leg is broken. And he has no health insurance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qctaV_VaA8

The 7 dwarfs are all excited as the new pope is visiting fairy story land.
All week they nudge Dopey s******ing "Well you can finally ask your question!", to which Dopey replies every time "Shurrup willya!"
Finally the day arrives and all the dwarfs are lined up with the other characters from the Snow White story, he shakes hands with the evil Queen, then Snow White then slowly makes his way down the line of the dwarfs.
As he approaches Dopey theres a small chant which gets louder and louder "Ask him.ask him...ask him ASK HIM>!"
"Ask me what?" Questions the pope.
The dwarfs shove Dopey forward "ASK HIM!",
"What would you like to know?", says his holiness.
"Well", begins Dopey, "Are any of your nuns black?"
"Hm" ponders the pope "As a religion we catholics don't differentiate between creed so its more than probable that quite a few of our nuns are black . Does that answer your question?"
ASK HIM!! shout the dwarfs.
"Is there more to your question young man?"
"Erm......do any of your nuns work in Antarctica?"
"well young man we have nuns all around the globe so its more than likely that we have a couple in Antarctica. Does that answer your question?"
ASK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yell the dwarfs!
"Is there more to this question?" asks the pope now getting more than annoyed.
"Erm..................................are any of these black nuns in Antarctica dwarfs?!
"WHAT"! Splutters the pope.
"I'm sure if we had a black dwarf nun in Antarctica i would have heard of it. So in answer to your question NO!"
All the dwarfs collapse on the floor pissing themselves laughing.
"DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!! DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!!"

Once there was this really scummy bloke travelling on a bus, when a nun got on and sat right in front of him. She was quite good looking, so he leaned over to her and said, "I really want to fu*k you in the arse!" She went bright red, and got off at the next stop.

When the bloke was getting off the bus the driver said, "Hey mate, I noticed the nun got off a couple of stops early, what did you say to her?"

The bloke replied, "Oh, I just told her I wanted to fu*k her in the arse."

The driver thought for a minute, then said "Well, if you're still interested, I happen to know she walks through the park down the road there every night at about 6 o'clock." The bloke thanked the driver for the info then went on his way.

When he got home, he thought to himself "She'll never fu*k a scumbag like me." So he got dressed up as Jesus.

That evening he was hiding in the bushes when the nun came wandering through the park. He leapt out and cried, "Gday. I'm Jesus, and I want to fu*k you in the arse!"

The nun replied, "Well, seeing as how you're Jesus, I suppose you'd better."
So the bloke got his cock out, and proceeded to fu*k the nun up the arse. But after he'd finished, he was feeling a bit guilty. So he said, "Actually love, I'm not really Jesus, I'm that rude bloke off the bus earlier."

And the nun replied, "That's OK, cause I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver!"

Hahaaha, I actually lol'd on that one Jim.:lol: :nope:

It's not all bad news if Sharia Law is adopted in Britain.

Ok so you can't go out boozing or gambling but,

At least you can still get stoned.

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Two tourists driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch they stop for lunch and one tourist asks the waitress,
"Before we order, can you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are..... very slowly."
The Blonde waitress leaned over and said "Burrr-gurrrr-kiiing."

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A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."