Auto-correct is a two-edged sword; yesterday I saw a flyer posted in my complex correcting a previous error in an earlier flyer; the first paragraph opened with: "We apologize for any incontinence our previous posting may have caused..."...










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I resemble that remark.

If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.

When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.

If anyone needs an ark, I happen to Noah guy.

If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time.

It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.

Putin thinks liberals should stop dictating to people how to live.
Conceptually confused as we are, we have so far thought that they are autocrats who dictate to people how to live.

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success and celebrate your victory.

Eagles may soar,
but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

George Burns, when asked about his longevity, used to say "I wake up in the morning, put on my robe, go downstairs, get the morning paper. Then I got to the kitchen, prepare a martini and get out a cigar. I open the paper first to the obituaries. If I'm not listed in the obituaries, I drink the martini and light up the cigar. The rest of the day is gravy"...








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