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At the end of the day life should ask us "Are you sure you want to save the changes?"
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When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.
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I don't go crazy, I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
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I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
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My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.
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What's your best non-swearing insult? I hope you step on a Lego. - coolfunnyquotes.com
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Most people think the reason the T-Rex doesn't clap its hands is because its arms are too short, but really it's because it's dead.
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I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
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"Brexit tested on horses, found to have no ill effects!" (Rupert Murdoch Media)
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Dear life, I understand very clearly that you are not fair so you can stop teaching me that lesson.
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Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning, but the hamster fell off long time ago?
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If you don't like me, remember it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.
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Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
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