Ever get the feeling somethings hanging over you ? :roll:

Well in my case its probably the Sword of Damocles and its those handsome and inrelligent Mods who
..................... may well wield it, any time.

Well I figure its Xmas and like Arabian Fun Nights if they keep chuckling they may get forgetfull, :yep: ;)
..............well at least 'till Santas redundant.

BBC News Quiz - advert from 'Services' section :

''Septic Tanks emptied.
Swimming Pools filled.
Not the same tanker !''

You know there is somethiing going seriously wrong here in the UK - maybes its the water.

But take a hallowed institution like the BBC. Now we look to it to set standards so why the heck does
it so easily descend to lavatorial type jokes. Today my light lunch was quite ruined (?) by 75% of the News Quizs
press cuttings referring to such neo-toilet humour.

I mean I ask you here again was a typical example;- 'The Bayswater local MP has actively supported the campaign
against the Councils decision to close many of the towns public toilets. he has been very vigorous at local council meetings
where he has passed many motions.'

If that wasnt bad enough the next contributor got a trifle technical : 'Dr Eustace Gripe presented a paper
to the BMA on erectile disfunction, making many recomendations for GPs. Concluding he invited questions -
complete silence. Afterwards he said to colleagues -' 'Very disappointing, it was just a question of 'raising' the subject.'' '

I shall strive to raise the tone tomorrow by turning to a Xmas theme. The topics will be Xmas thongs and
a drunken reindeer.


:-j

There is a salutory message here for all who, like bubbleheads, work together in confined spaces.

A ranting Reindeer.
Based loosely on an extract from 'Press Clippings' BBC News Quiz.

Police were called to a department store where a reindeer was seen writhing around on the floor swearing.
The operators had had a liquid lunchbreak. The 'Head' said that he asked the 'Tail' to press the battery button
that started the flashing light in the reindeers nose. The Tail flatly refused. Head bellowed ''Well its not a proper bl***y
reindeer without a red nose.'' An argument developed and punches were thrown.' Spirit (?) of Xmas ?

A Police Constable, having been called out urgently from 'service' at his wifes entertainment establishment,
elicited the facts and carefully noted them on the back of a cigarette packet.

The men, who were of previous good character, had, said the Store Manager, performed their duties on previous
days with dedication and some spirit. Santa said, appart from a little tottering, the reindeer had hauled his
toboggan with gusto. He sympathised with them working in confined, stuffy ,sweaty and very hot conditions
and had resisted the temptation to cuff the elves who liked tormenting the poor beast by
judicious use of pepper and marbles. He put the wobbly gait down to such sabotage.

The Head was quite a deep thinker, when sober, and puzzled the PC when he blamed Domino Theory and
butterflies wings. The recipients blank stare called for an explanation. "Officer, we had been unbearably
hot yesterday in that smelly overused rancid skin. We lost pounds with perspiration so it seemed a wise
precaution to fuel our cells in preparation. I can assure you that we only had a couple of rounds or so, but Molly,
bless her, said the Pie and chips are good today and with mushy peas.'' The Tail said - ''Officer who could have
resisted her ? I mean 'Mushy Peas ' ? Head looked dolefull but flapped his hand wing like, loosely from the wrist in
a flying motion, which the PC really misunderstood and blushed.

As is often the case when one starts to look for prime causes or establish a causal sequence or relationship
things are not as they seem at first. Peas are a catalyst here.

For those not intimately acquainted with the workings of the Manned Reindeer - the Head is Captain
with special responsiblity for navigation, reception, and steerage. The Tail is 'heads-down' in the rear 'seat'
like a Tornado Observer and provides equipment control and neo-weapon release. It is his duty to provide
80% of the sledge pulling power and in order to maximise leverage he must clasp Head around the waist.
In doing so it brings his head into close proximity with Head's stern.

Having 'skinned-up' said Head we negotiated the back entrance to the Grotto - I heard some elven squeels
as Tail fought for stability over the marbles.We had the shafts attached and gently took the strain ready
to make our entrance before the spectators. One of the bl**ding elves had maxed the volume on the Jingle Bells
music and when it started it made us jump just as we were straining to take the load. I fought hard
but could not hold my wind which was discharged right into Tails face.

The attmosphere between us was immediately soured. Coughing and choking Tail sought to gain an ingress
of fresh air. The sledge stalled and Santa started shouting - we are pretty deaf in there. But a casual flick of his
whip hit Tails head which was now protruding camel hump like' This irritated Tail and we staggered around trying
to co-ordinate some forward movement to quite a racous chorus from the 'little dears' in the audience who
hooted ''Wheres Rudolf ?'' and ''Camels Out''

Tail meanwhile had ripped open the belly flap which we lovingley call the bomb bay, in a desperate attempt
to get air. One of the reasons we are rebooked by the best pantomines is our creativity.
When Tail discharges his simulated droppings, it is a great hit with the kids. The stress of the moment caused
him to release the entire pack of brown painted golf balls. We were beginning to irretrivably lose stability.

Please note that stoicly we had maintained 'mission silence' all this time. But Tail is not quite so refined and
began to swear imaginatively. Worried about the mums sensitivity I sought a diversion so while we fought
for control and to stay upright, as Captain, I took the initiative and decided to deploy the flashing red nose
with its accompanying neighing sounds as a diversion. Tail had not reported that the control box and battery combo
strapped to my back had slipped into a sensitive (for me) reindeer udder type position.


''Fire Nose No2 '' I called. ''You can get stuffed ''he choked. Not realising his predicament I barked out the
order again. Followed by ''Well its not a proper bl***y reindeer without a red nose'' Just at that moment
he must have been struggling to gain control either of the control box or of his golf ball bomb box -
but he distinctively 'goosed' me. Well heck there an unwritten rules about things like that. My iron self-control
snapped but as afficionadas of Manned Reindeers know as the Head your arms are pinned to your sides, like a
strait-jacket. For a 'passing' moment I considered deploying wind but settled for attempting to twist around
and kick him in the nether regions.(He calls 'em goolies - but hey thats why I'm Captain. I get the mushroom tops. )

Any pretence at poise was now lost as the combination of marbles and brown golf ball dung conspired to send legs
and hooves in all directions.From my mild ''You dick-head '' to Tails ''No your the head-dick''we were on
a slippery slope further aggravated by taunts, whip flickerers, Elvyn pepper, and that bl***y blaring Jingle Bells.

Officer what does your station do for its Xmas party ? Heres our card.

PS. Tomorrow God (Sorry Mods) willing - thongs can only get better. Xmas gifts ?

'Just a thong at twilight' :o

Well if I was 90 the following news item may have raised a 'twitch' of interest and I might have 'zimmered' off
to deck-out a younger wife - although they do say its like getting a Pontefract Cake into a slot machine.:lol:

The Ann Summers sex shop chain have launched a new range of Lady Chatterley exotic lingerie. The range is
launched under the slogan 'Not to be banned' and is reported to include a variety of of erotic underwear in
tasteful purple and pink with bows, ribbons,and plenty of whalebone stays and there is a matching blindfold.
Dickens - turn in your grave ! Yep I guess you'd need that blinford. :arrgh!: :hulk:
Well I'm not rushing - I'm a country boy and prefer the original Lawrence daisy weaving stuff. ;)

To your infinite relief - I am effectively AOL from the 21st until Feb 06, so will only be able to raise the mast occasionaly. (sic.)
I will send in the occasional post just as a Seltzer.. ... Heck- now where did I leave Rudolfs Head ? :-j

All the best. :up:

Conn\Bilge Bay!
 

We could get men trapped in the bilge bay tying to stop uncontrolled flooding and have to seal that bay, but only after arguing with Lt. Hellerman, because theres not f-ing way to get the men out.
Hows that for realism?

'' What'd you think, son? That I was just some crazy old coot, putting everyone in harm's way as I yelled "YEE-HA!"?
Capt. Frank Ramsey. C.T.


:-j

The ratted reindeer report prompted some 'fancy-dress' interest for our sub party:-

'' Holiday Costumes: Small Reindeer Suit
Price Range: $$$$$ from 1 Seller.

Description: Choose from two holiday-specific costumes. Bring a smile to any visitor's face.
Can be used year after year. Whether he's dressed as Santa's helper or the big guy himself, your precious pet*
is sure to be a hit this holiday season in these............ Read More........

Description: Choose from two holiday-specific costumes. Bring a smile to any visitor's face. Can be used
year after year. Whether he's dressed as Santa's helper or the big guy himself, your precious pet*
is sure to be a hit this holiday season in these poly plush felt suits. Santa Claws includes Santa hat with sliding
bead/string chinstrap and securely stitched details. Attaches around neck with touch closure. Hand wash in cold water.
How to measure for Santa Claws: While your pet is standing**, measure from base of neck to top of front paw.
Santa Claws Sizes: XSmal, Small, Medium, and Large .

Reindeer Suit has jingle bells, attaches under back legs *** and at belly with elastic and touch closure.
Ties around neck with nylon ribbon. Includes four elasticized hooves and an antler headband. Please specify size.
How to measure : While your pet is standing, measure from base of neck to top of front paw.

Reindeer Suit Sizes: Small, Medium, Large. Care Instructions: Soak costume in sink filled with warm water
and gentle detergent. Gently scrub off any stains.**** Then put in warm water without soap to rinse.
Hang to dry...... Minimize.***** ''

Appendix - Explanatory Notes:-

* 'Your precious pet' - not sure if reference is to a partner, or is it anatomical ?
** 'Your pet is standing' - likewise is this the influence of drink on the whole or paticular part ?
*** 'Attaches under back legs' - Proceed with Extreme Caution here !!! (But see Note ****** below)
**** 'Scrub off any stains' - Warning - dont have that sort of party !!
***** 'Minimize - Thats not the problem !

****** 'Male reindeer lose their antlers earlier than Christmas and the females lose theirs afterwards.
So all of Santa's reindeer are girls !!

PS. My sub is on 'Liberty'- see the sig ? But I will try to try to get my mast up from time to time.

:-j

Xab in Mods: 'Well at last I am getting to grips with sorting ''models'' out.''...... Nice work if you can get it ? :lol:

From a 'Wanted' Santa poster - Ways to nail him:-

# Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

# Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof.
When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled.".... Threaten to sue. ;)

THE OFFICIAL SANTA SIGHTING REPORT LOG

http://seeker.searchforsanta.com/reports.html

* SIGHTING #1047 DEC. 25 - 1992 NELSON, BRITISH COLUMBIA

Two young women report the sound of sleigh bells coming from their roof. Upon investigation, neighbors
find and collect four ounces of "reindeer scat.**" Local authorities classify it as a joke. But a University
Professor publicly admits that "Santa is the only reasonable explanation to this phenomenon." :o

BOT**- Earnestly concentrating on getting back on topic.. ...ie Scat as you know is dung and Scatology is the
study of coprolites. :roll: :yep:

Wanna be 'd real 'ting ?
Loosely reconstructed extracts from The Times 20th Dec. LA Notebook. (Chris Ayres) An article entitled:-
''How to become a real Santa Claus - and avoid beeing rugby tackled, too.''

Yep sorry, its a real shock to some of you game-playing llate-developers'but
''SC doesnt live at the North Pole. And no he doesnt live in Finnish Lapland either.'' :o

''The LA Notebook can exclusively reveal that S. Claus, Esq.,in fact resides at 5205 Old Mill Road in the city of Riverside,
California, just a few sweltering miles west of the Mojave Desert. Now Xmas is a serious business, the resident
of 5205 Old Mill Road holds the title EO. (Exec.Officer) of the Amalgamated Order of Real-Bearded Santas.
The organisations mission statement is to ''bring together those special, real beaded gentlemen who carry on the
history and tradition of Santa Claus.''

The AORBS has 300 dues-paying members across the world and a database of 650 real-bearded Santas, who can
earn up to 20$ an hour for appearances at shopping centres. It is essentialy. a union for the world's most
successful fat chuckling men.

For the EO, who wrote a book entitled "Behind the Red Suit: the Business of Santa Claus, his annual Ho, Ho, Hos
are no laughing matter. According to the AORBS, a well trained real-bearded Santa can make $30,000 during
the festive season. A bad Santa will make $5,000 - if he doesnt get arrested first !! ''

Take the sad story of poor 'ole Richard Mullen, a 52 year old from Malden, Mssachusetts, who decided to entertain
the little dears at his local shopping centre by wearing a 'snap-on beard' and A Santa hat. Mr Mullen, who was
probably a little the worse for a liquid lunch (alledgedly) entered a little too enthusiasticaly into the 'spirit' of things.
Mistakenly he thought that dropping his trousers would be a fun Santa gimmick - he had seen British football fans
leave impressive sternum impressions on coach windows. :oops:

Centre security staff rushed to the scene and Mr Mullen was promptly rugby-tackled to the floor and then
handcuffed by heavily armed baton waving police officers. As he was beeing frog-marched to the police car, a little
spikey haired ruffian was heard to say 'Dad dig D pants' fortunately for Mr Mullen, and his under-age witnesses,
he was wearing tracksuit trousers under his Santa suit. He was eventualy released on $200 bail after he was charged with 'Disorderley Conduct.'

As for his fellow Red-bearded Santas the EO had the following advice, at a recent seminar, ''Whatever you do is
seen and is the image of Santa. If youre going around with ''cleavage'' showing out of the back of your pants -
thats not Santa !!''

:-j

Press cutting:-

'Missing black cat - answers to the name...............................Boo !! '

:doh:

Who's p-p-picked up our penguin?

London - British police said on Monday they were hunting for thieves who had snatched a baby
penguin from a zoo on the Isle of Wight.

http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?s...3500332165B231
Or for the kids ? -
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main...portaltop.html

Toga, a baby Jackass penguin who was born in September, was taken from the Amazon World zoo on Saturday night.
The zoo also said Toga was not as cuddly as he looked and will bite when frightened.

"Toga is very vocal and makes a noise like a donkey braying (hence the name Jackass Penguin)," it added. :o

Interpol have been notified that a MS terious Frenchman was seen lurking near the penguin pool - he was
heard to call C'est Magnifique! Bon, Bon ! Quelle mover when the chick flapped and 'slapped' its wings.

Could this chick be heading into a new avant garde French movie - featuring as the happy-flappy braying Slapper **?

NB.**See below.

:-j

Allusions to the 'Slapper' (**above) may require a little explanation -

'Slapper is/was the vernacular for a female dancer usualy in music halls or vaudeville. But I was referring to the
penguin used by MSgalileo in his sig. You will see it has a rather neat 'round-house' punch - so I loosely describe
it as the 'Slapper' ie. It employs a slap - smacks with the palm of the hand -a blow with suddeness and vehemence.

MSgalileo: http://www.subsim.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=45981

PS. Its nice to see some innovation on the 'fun sig' front in the thread - 'How do I make multiable installations of DW?' :rock:
- I hope Pigfish is gonna light up MLs jail and TLAms sub vibrator by bringing over his Xmas display from the SC section.

Borrowed:-

'Twas the night before Christmas...
(politically correct version!)

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck..
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

..........And people had started to call for the cops.

The Big Issue - News in Brief.

Police - Snap Response.

The 'quick cuffs' used by police are posing a danger to officers themselves., according to the letters page of the
force's journal, Police Review :o

In one incident, an officer was getting out of a police carrier when he caught himself on ths safety bar by the sliding door-
which released his quick cuff and locked him on to the bar. Seargeant Gary Wade of Lewisham recalled how
his quick cuffs once ''stabbed me in the ribs'' getting into a vehicle - while another time, jumping out of a car to chase
suspects, his cuffs caught him up in the seat belt, throwing him back into the car and banging his head on the frame.

Woman PC Betty Booth from Bigglleswade said the male PCs are seriously worried about their ''Jingle Bells''
My dad, she said, was 40 years in the force - a more erect postured man you never saw. Hands always clasped
behind his back. Now these lads cup their hands over their tackle like footballers facing a 'free-kick' :yep:

Festive thought - where did I leave those nut-crackers ?

:-j