The 'scales' favour you :O:

"Prepare for action stations," Balz ordered.
The choir assembled in the Zentrale, duty twirlers took position in the living quarters.
"Begin!"
The choir broke into Balz Ist Ein Grosser Held Marsch.
Balz smiled. He liked the chorus lines, "Balz is our hero, he is, he is."
The march over, Balz asked the sound man. "Bearing?"
"New bearing zero eight five, numerous targets."
"Commence plot. Idle hands begin silent dancing, both engines ahead slow together," Seeing that everyone was performing as required, Balz busied himself selecting a suitable tea cozy for this attack. He decided that the duckie cozy was the most appropriate. He would wear the bunny one later, when the convoy was nearly destroyed.
"We are no longer on collision course," Schmenk announced.
"Bearings shifting rapidly toward three six zero," the sound man confirmed.
"Up periscope,"
Through the haze, Balz coud barely see a couple of ships. "Bastards changed cours." He swung the scope to starboard. A Flower Corvette was the only ship he could see clearly. "Target bearing zero five five., relative course zero four five one thousand two hundred., speed five knots. Flood tube one, depth one meter, down scope."
"You are not going to attack a lousy, stupid corvette?" Bernard said.
"Yes, I am."
"Waste a torpedo on eight hundred tons? We could save it and bag ten thousand tons with the same torpedo later. I spent many hours polishing that torp."
"Up scope," The Flower was right where Balz wanted it. "Einz, loss. Dive to fifty meters."
The torpedo wooshed out. Balz sat on the chart box and relaxed. Thirty seconds later an explosion followed by secondary blasts indicated the torpedo found its target.
"Bernard, you fool," Balz said, "That was not a wasted torpedo, it is a strategic investment toward the decimation of this convoy. That corvette went down not only with all hands on board but it also took many depth charges with it. These charges will not bother us. Since we will escort this convoy for a few weeks,that is very hoochie woochie worthy of a Tirpitz like hero such as myself.".

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Will Captain Shaky Parkinson survive this? And why should he? :hmmm: We'd better stay tuned...

Balz caressed his duckie tea cozy waiting for the convoy to move out of sight.
"Sound contact, single ship, slow getting nearer," The sound man reported.
"Vey nice," Balz said.
Half hour later, Balz peered through the scope. "Aha, large British freighter, probably a convoy laggard. Prepare to surface."
"Surface?" Bernard asked. What for?"
"Because my duckie wants fresh air, you idiot."

The U boat broke into the surface of an unruly sea. Balz took a deep breath of air full of spray and blew into the megaphone in his hand. He watched Schmenk install the UZO and waited for the freighter to get closer. "Ahoy, you Englishman. Is Captain Shakey Parkinson in Command?"
BLAM
A shell ripped the air overhead.
"I guess the answer is no," Bernard said.
"Brits are difficult people to communicate with unless you've been properly introduced." Balz raised his glasses and observed tha man standing on the bridge wing. "He is not shaking," he observed.
BLAM
A spout of water rose fifty meters away.
"Don´t you get the message?" Bernard screamed.
"Message? I like my messages served in a bottle."
BLAM


Stay finely tuned for the outcome of this exciting encounter at sea

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I'm tuned, I'm tuned :D

And you said you weren't into kinky stuff.... :hmmm:

Wonderful read, Brag. Very good to see Kaleun Balz make the seven seas unsafe yet again!

"Bernard, go below and sit on your hands," Balz growled. He then addressed Schmenk. "Fire when ready, if that´s Shaky Parkinson, so be it."
"And what about Haji Baba Jimbuna's tips?" Bernard asked.
"I told you to go below, you twit."
"Below what, Herr Kaleun?"
Balz saw a great opportunity. "Below the keel."
Instead of jumping overboard, as Balz hoped, Bernard dove through the hatch.
"Torpedo running, Herr Kaleun," Schmenk announced.
"Very good." Balz prepared to watch the destruction of the enemy ship.
His feeling of satisfaction evaporated when he heard the sound of hammering coming from inside. "Oh poopsendorfer," he said before bellowing into the hatch, "Bernaaaaard!"
Balz's shout was drowned by the torpedo exploding at the end of the freighter's forecastle.

Once Bernard was finishe writing I will never again try to chisel a hole in the hull one thousand times, Balz said, "Now get inside a potato sack and pretend you are a farting spud."

On the bridge spray flew as U-110 crashed against heavy seas, chasing after the convoy. Balz thought this was going to be one of those great patrols. So, far he had sunk two lone merchies. Now he was going to demolish this convoy. He smild thinking about the medals he would get.

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At full speed the U-boat moved ahead of the convoy and the following day at noon it lay in ambush, ready to deliver a deadly blow to the British Empire.
"This is schwooggsie," Bernard said when the soundman announced he had several sound contacts.

"Schwooggsie?" Balz demanded in an indignant tone. "What is that?"
Bernard shuffled his feet. "It is the same thing as schwooggie."
"How dare you say such an abomination? I invented schwooggie." Balz poked his index finger into Bernard´s chest. "And you are perverting the purity of this fine word."
"Schwooggsie is and independent word of schwooggie. It is cuter," Bernard insisted.
"You piece of ocean going submergible moron. We are about to engage in deadly combat against an implacable foe and you, like a pervert say schwooggsie."

Balz turned toward the sound man. "Bearing to the center of convoy?"
"360. Herr Kaleun."
"Schwooggie," Balz said. "where is the lead escort?"
"No contact with warships."
"Mmmm, Strange."
"That's schwooggsie," Bernard said smiling.
"Here we have dozens of ships approaching with their screws singing a song of doom and you, like a depraved pervert, keep repeating that stupid word which I refuse to utter."
"You mean schwooggsie, Herr Kaleun?"
"I refuse to say schwooggsie, you nautical version of a cretin landlubber."
"Ah, you just said it."
"Said what?"
"Schwooggsie."
"Action stations, silent running. And you, Bernard go to the wardroom and write a thousand times, I will not say schwooggsie ever again."
Balz donned his bunny tea cozy and went to the periscope.

There weren't any escorts in sight. "New course 090 we will hoochie with the forward tubes and woochie with stern tubes


Stay tuned for another epic episode of the titanic struggle of the North Atlantic.


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But Herr Kaleun, the Titanic was versenkt many many years ago.

SINK EM ALL!! http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/905...hpiratevi9.gif

Perfect positioning, Balz said to himselg as he observed the two strings of ships approaching in the agitated ocean. Truly the work of a grand master of submarineship such as myself. an Empire and a large freighter would get a synchronized death. A medium freighter would follow in a perfectly choreographed attack.

"Choir, stand by to sing praise to your commander. who will shortly bring glory to this U-boat." At 400 meters he could not miss. He only aimed at the Empire who he would hit with tube one, and would immediately follow with tube five without aiming at the heavy freighter who would need exactly the same solution.
"Schwoog einz loss, Schwoog fünf loss."
"Glory, glory to Balz,," the choir sang.
Balz stood on the chart box. "Einz, zwei, Schwoogie, hoochie woochie kaboom."
Two explosions boomed almost simultaneously.
"Where are the escorts?" Balz asked.
"Negative contact with warships," The sound man answered.
Driven by frustration, Balz picked up a wrench and banged on the hull. "Of all the escorts in the world, the two destroyers had to bugger off when the sea is too rough to reload our deck schwoogers."
The moans of sinking ships wailed a song of doom through the water of the Central Atlantic.
"When will we sink the Titanic?" Zeiler Zteve asked.
" I´ll have to ask Dr. Goebels."
Waiting for the weather to improve, Balz ordered a heading of 005. Stalked by the great Captain Balz, and without escorts, the convoy was doomed.

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Good! Balz is weaking havoc in the Atlantik once more!
Torpedo los!

Schwvoogie
 

Reminds of a device used by Jewish shop owners here in the USA back in the 50's & 60's.

This IS NOT DEROGATORY towards Jews nor a joke....I'm serious.


It was called the 'Schw(v)oogie buzzer'

Anyone heard of this before????? :DL

What did it do, torpedo customers? :har: