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This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too." |
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rabbit?
A rabbit with a posterior orifice two feet across. |
A women was going on holiday for a week in Italy. Her husband drived her to the airport and before she left she asked him "What do you want me to bring you from Italy?". He replied laughing "An Italian girl". The woman not having time for jokes slammed the door and waved her husband goodbye. A week later when she was back her husband picked her up and while they were driving home he said jokingly "So did you bring what I asked for?" she then replied "Well I did my best but now we have to wait nine months till we find out if it's a boy or a girl.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets some of his mates in the pub, who ask how his holiday was... "had a great time" then one of his mates asks "why have you got a leg missing?" the cannibal replies, "it was a self catering holiday!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park. A woman approaches him and offers to fu*k his brains out for £5. The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5. She leads him into a bush and they get under way. A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking. He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he's doing. The man replies calmly "I'm just having sex with my wife officer, do you mind?" The officer responds "I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise it was your wife." The man quickly replies "It's quite alright officer, until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I". |
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay the f_ _ _ away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking." |
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95. BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision. BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course. AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call. |
:rotfl: Good one Jim
this is a lighthouse, your call :lol: HunterICX |
A man walked into a pub,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be 10 pence.' 'Ten pence?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?' 'A pound,' the barman replied. 'A pound?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs With your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing To his business down here.' |
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A man was going door to door selling washing machines. He came up to a simple farmhouse and was answered by a woman.
"Hello Madam, I'm here today selling our new range of washing machines." "Well" she said "You'd best talk to my husband, he sorts out the finances" and the salesman was led to the milking hut. Inside, the farmer greeted the salesman, and said "Let me tell you a story." "I was out here one day about to milk this here cow, and I got down, and she kicked me. So I tied her leg up to her post up there. I got down to milk her again and she kicked me with her other leg. So I went and tied that one up to that other post there." "I got down again to milk 'er, and she flicked a **** covered tail right in my bloody face. So I tied her tail to her horns. So I thought 'Well she cant kick me now', and I thought 'I'll have a piddle before I start'. And I was just doing my flies up when my wife walked in." "Now if you can convince her I wasnt about to shag that cow, I'll buy your washing machine." :88) |
A paedophile's walking into the dark woods one night with a little girl and she says "I'm scared".
"You're scared?" he replies, "I'm the one who's got to walk out of here on my own!" |
Q: Whats the diffrence between a french women and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods. Q: Qhat is the diffrence between a catholic priest and acne? A: Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face. |
(This one's for the UK audience probably)
Jeremy Beadle had a tiny c?ck. But on the other hand, it looked huge. |
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The nun fainted........... |
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends." |
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