Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?'' The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy''

^^
rofl :lol:

me and a friend of mine loved it, great one, a round of applause is needed.

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

If English speaking countries had their Little Johny, Russians had Little Vovochka ( from Vladimir AKA Vovochka, Vova, Vovan)
------------
Teacher to Little Vova: I have a report that you told to your classmates that Maria Ivavova is bitch. You have to go to the classroom and announce 3 times that she is not a bitch and tell that you are sorry about this incedent.
Vova came to the classroom and anounced to the classmates: Maria Ivanova is not a bitch. Maria Ivanova is NOT a BITCH??????? MARIA IVANOVA IS NOT A BITCH??????????????!!!!!!!!!!... I m sorry , poor naive creatures.
__________________
12 years olds Little Vovochka and Masha Ivanova are sitting it the classroom and chatting during the lesson:
Masha: 'Dude, I m totally f*cked up: I have a problem I m sure that I m pregnant at least for 3 month and I really dont have a clue who is the fatheer.'
Little Vovochka:'I m f*cked up too: I ve got siphilis 12 weeks ago and also dont know who is the source.'
Olga Nilovaevna(teacher) : Vovochka Tell me sweet kid ... 6 times 6... what is result of this multplication?
Little Vovochka: 6x6 = 36,Olga Nikolaevna and I really wish I have problems like yours.
----------------------------------------
-Why are you crying Little Vovochka?
-My mom told my father that he is a donkey and in respond dad said that she is a cow.
- and what?
- I m just thinking WHO am I?

This one's a bit old....but some of you may not have seen it before ;)

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the ****! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any ******* will do.

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and goes to his dad.
"Dad, what's the difference between reality and potential?"
His dad thinks for a few minutes, then sends him off to ask his mom a question.
"Mom," asks Johnny, "would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
His mom's surprised at the question, but eventually answers, "Well, sure, for a million dollars." Johnny goes back to his dad, and is promptly sent off to ask his sister a question.
"Sis," asks Johnny, "would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
His sister's surprised, but she too answers, "Well, sure, for a million dollars."
Johnny goes back to his dad.
"Well, son, now do you understand?"
"Sure dad. Potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

1 more...

Little Johnny's in class, and the teacher's asking the kids what their parents do.
"My dad's a doctor," say one. "An engineer," says another. "A soldier," "A lawyer," "A fireman," and so on.
Eventually the teacher gets to Johnny. "What does your dad do, Johnny."
"He's dead, miss."
The teacher is horrified. "I'm so sorry, Johnny. Well, what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shat himself."

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?" "Because I want you to come second for once!"

Three men are awaiting admittance to heaven. Saint Peter asks them all the same question: How did you die?

The first man says "Well, I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work early and searched the apartment. Sure enough, when I went out on the balcony and looked down, there was this man hanging from our railing. I was so mad I went and picked up the refrigerator and dropped it on him. That was too much for me; I had a heart attack and died."

Peter looks at him, and then says "That's pretty iffy. It might be murder or it might be justified by the heat of the moment. I'm going to have to talk to the boss. Your turn."

The second man says " I was outside on my balcony exercising when I had a dizzy spell and fell off. I managed to catch myself on the railing. I thought I was going to be able to climb up when this crazy man drops a refrigerator on my head! I didn't have a chance after that!"

Peter says "That's not your fault at all. You can go right in. Now, what's your story?"

The third man says "Well, I was hiding in this refrigerator..."

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

:rotfl: A classic one!

Bravo a wonderful joke had me laughing for hours:rotfl::lol::D