The report states that he fell....However, when he was pulled out of the sink, a large grease footprint was found on the rear of his boxers....You were the only witness and you also closed the case after your investigation...

What was the man doing with no trousers on?

Ensign Marty Pascal, Our previous safety officer, was wound a little tight. That is, until his screws came loose and he reported for watch duty on deck minus his trousers and took a swing at me.
Need I say more?:arrgh!:

Not at all. Personally I would have stuffed him in a torp tube and launched him.:arrgh!:

Well, that's your side. I wanted to look into it further..but you wouldn't allow me to do so....I do know when our safety officer left the bilge, he was carrying a 5 gallon bucket of used STD penis swabs up top for disposal...

Previous you said he fell off, now you said he swung at you. I assume you just ducked and his forward motion put him in the sink and the footprint is just coincidence?

Not quackers here.
 

No, I didn't duck. I swerved and planted my foot in his backside as he went past.
Inertia is not your friend it seems. Especially with a full bucket in your hand. Just ask Marty.

Now, on to more important business.
Have you assigned a new COB yet?

:arrgh!:

Ok, sorry, my mistake. Armistead did put me on cook house duty, but I have raised the point about the woeful lack of ingredients or pots/pans. Has anything been done about this?

OK, maybe the stress is getting to me a lil and I'm not recording my orders.
I did in fact tell Tango to do the cooking, but I told him no more confessions and he continued in that, instead of using the sin box. Tango implies then he gave the job to a volunteer, I assume the new feller, Kapt Inass....If Aktongue said I made him COB, I think he confused the position with the nickname "Cob" as in corncob due to his use of...well, anyways, Aktung can continue in the position of COB. 'Chef of the Boat' along with his other positions, Minister of Foreign Affairs, Marketing Officer and whatever else...

We need a new safety officer if anyones has experience and wants the role...

I only said I'm happy to delegate the chef duties, not that I've appointed anyone new. If I am the new chef, maybe we should have a new padre. I am thinking of the newest recruit Buddahaid. He'd look good in a cassock and mitre.

Clarity will set you free...
 

When I said COB, I meant Chef Of the Boat.

I'm disturbed about it being the Padre because I loathe unleavened bread and Hey Zeus juice.

I've had enough...These are direct orders.

Tango will remain the priest, but find another booth other than the head..I'm tired of when I kneel before you getting piss knees...and while Wolferz says he's stroking me out of compassion, I'm not buying it...

Fire with his vast experience will do the cooking, but can train Kapt. Inass to take that position when he's off probation.

Aktung, will remain in his current position under me...

Budda will be the new safety officer {collection of bilge waste}

Everyone else can maintain the current position they're in...

Okey-dokey, from now on confessions will be held in the conning tower. No more piss knees and plenty of room for genuflection and benediction.:up:

Oh, who cares anymore, this place stinks and I'm sick of it, sick of the stew, the confessions, constant whining from lack of herpes ointment....sick of you all. Let's be honest, I'm never gonna get command here, much less my own boat...

I've put in request of transfer to another boat. Once Wolferz approves it, I'm out of here. You won't have old Armi to worry about anymore. I only wanted to lead you men, but truth is this crew is just a bunch of washed up misfits with sow bellies, bent backs and bad breath. Place couldn't be worse if you crossed a porn flick with Old McDonald's farm during a tornado.