:damn::rotfl:

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rabbit?


A rabbit with a posterior orifice two feet across.

A women was going on holiday for a week in Italy. Her husband drived her to the airport and before she left she asked him "What do you want me to bring you from Italy?". He replied laughing "An Italian girl". The woman not having time for jokes slammed the door and waved her husband goodbye. A week later when she was back her husband picked her up and while they were driving home he said jokingly "So did you bring what I asked for?" she then replied "Well I did my best but now we have to wait nine months till we find out if it's a boy or a girl.
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A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets some of his mates in the pub, who ask how his holiday was...
"had a great time"
then one of his mates asks "why have you got a leg missing?"
the cannibal replies,



"it was a self catering holiday!"
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A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.
A woman approaches him and offers to fu*k his brains out for £5.
The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5.
She leads him into a bush and they get under way.

A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.
He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he's doing.
The man replies calmly "I'm just having sex with my wife officer, do you mind?"
The officer responds "I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise it was your wife."
The man quickly replies "It's quite alright officer, until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I".

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f_ _ _ away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British
authorities.

The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

:rotfl: Good one Jim

this is a lighthouse, your call :lol:

HunterICX

A man walked into a pub,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be 10 pence.'
'Ten pence?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?'
'A pound,' the barman replied.
'A pound?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs With your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing To his business down here.'

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Bkt_jXHm6u0 :up:

A man was going door to door selling washing machines. He came up to a simple farmhouse and was answered by a woman.

"Hello Madam, I'm here today selling our new range of washing machines."
"Well" she said "You'd best talk to my husband, he sorts out the finances" and the salesman was led to the milking hut.

Inside, the farmer greeted the salesman, and said "Let me tell you a story."

"I was out here one day about to milk this here cow, and I got down, and she kicked me. So I tied her leg up to her post up there. I got down to milk her again and she kicked me with her other leg. So I went and tied that one up to that other post there."

"I got down again to milk 'er, and she flicked a **** covered tail right in my bloody face. So I tied her tail to her horns. So I thought 'Well she cant kick me now', and I thought 'I'll have a piddle before I start'. And I was just doing my flies up when my wife walked in."

"Now if you can convince her I wasnt about to shag that cow, I'll buy your washing machine."

:88)

A paedophile's walking into the dark woods one night with a little girl and she says "I'm scared".

"You're scared?" he replies, "I'm the one who's got to walk out of here on my own!"

Q: Whats the diffrence between a french women and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Q: Qhat is the diffrence between a catholic priest and acne?
A: Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo! !" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again.

A man was walking along the beach one day, when he happened to pass by a very lovely young woman that didnt have any arms or legs, gently sobbing to herself...

'Why the tears?' he asked.
She says, 'I'm 18 years old and i've never been kissed.'
The man pauses for a moment, then smiles and gives her a soft kiss on the head.
She laughs a little and puckers up so he gives her a big kiss on the lips.
They pause for an unsure moment and then shes says 'You know... i'm 18 years old... and i've never been fu*ked!' The man stands up starts smiling and grabs the young woman by the hair and tosses her into the sea.
She starts screaming and bobbing up and down, then the man shouts; 'WELL YOU'RE FU*KED NOW DARLING!'

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Ginger, get away from her before she ****s on you!"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[quote=jimbuna]Dennis Rodman finds abottle on beach and picks it up. Suddenly a female genie appears.

"Master, I may grant you one wish," she says with a smile.
"Don't you know who I am, bitch? I don't need no woman to give me nothin", yells Dennis.
The genie pleads with him, "But Master! I must grant you one wish or go back to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks it over, grumbles about the inconvenience of it all, but relents. "Okay. I wanna wake up in the mornin' with three women in my bed. So just do it! Now leave me alone!"
"So be it," says the genie, who's a little annoyed by this time. And the very next morning, Dennis awakens to find three women in his bed; Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone. His leg is broken. And he has no health insurance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qctaV_VaA8