UnderseaLcpl |
11-03-10 10:56 PM |
Though there is no acknowledged standard of weights and measures when it comes to amphibious ass-kickery, I tip the scales at just over 210 lbs of manly Marine meat, all of which is crammed into an attractive and convenient package measuring just over 73" in height.
However, my actual weight and height varies greatly depending upon the circumstance. For instance, when I am in possesion of a belt-fed weapon or a good woman, my height nearly doubles to 10 feet or so and my body becomes impervious to bullets, indicating a tremendous increase in mass, particularly in the genital region. I've never been in posession of both at the same time, but mathematical models indicate that my body would have to be measured in some kind of as-yet undetermined quantifier, which I have tenatively dubbed the "Norris". My calculations indicate that, should I be in possession of a belt-fed weapon and a good woman at the same time, I would measure at just under .050 Norrises, which is equivalent to the left half of Chuck Norris' beard.
Weight varies depending upon the quantity of alcohol I have imbibed, and is a bit trickier to calculate. At zero-consumption level I mass a fairly reasonable 95.5 kilos. However, studies of females indicate that in the presence of small doses of alcohol, their mass drops by a good 5-10 kilos, and they exert less effort in moving otherwise weighty appendages, such as the breasts or legs. Whether or not this holds true for males like myself remains to be seen, but early test results indicate that small quantities of alcohol reduce the mass of males enough to perform otherwise idiotic physical stunts, thus indicating an appreciable reduction in mass and/or an increase in muscle density.
When larger quantities are imbibed, the mass of males and females alike seems to increase to the point where they are rendered immobile by gravity, often to the point of losing consciousness, suggesting that alcohol can increase body mass by a factor of 6 to 9, or above. Again, we lack a sufficient standard of measurement for this wild fluctuation of mass, and yet again, I have developed a tenative unit of measurement to quantify it, which I call the "Oprah". I'm still working on the equation, but I am convinced that I am heading in the right direction.
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