Oh, that's good. I'm using that.

Well this is a bit harder than i previously anticipated. I have been up 30 hours straight and hade to force feed myself lunch today since I never ate yesterday. Oddly enough I dont feel to bad physicaly but emotionally I am pretty gutted. It would be easier If I had closure but she keeps talking in women tongue. She came by today for her last few bits of things and started to cry and said part of her wants to stay but she feels like if she didnt leave that she would never leave and she didnt want to look back and regret not leaving. I asked her what if she leaves and regrets not staying? You can spin it either way. But I do understand that she felt we were going nowhere with her working two jobs and me looking for 1 for almost a year.

She explained that she knows she loves me and knows that she is in love with me but the guilt was too much and that pushed her to continue the move out instead of working it out and that she wants to be single and not date anybody for awhile while she works on her self. I told her I was okay with her dating the other guy just let me know so I can emotionally let go and she denied any interest in him outside of friendship. Sadly I do believe her as at this point she had nothing more to lose. I dunno its a tough ship to sail even my old mom started crying her eyes out when she left today as she was very loved in this house and was like family to her.

Well sleep soon is in order, It sucks that healing has to be so loooooong when emotionally raped.

I've stayed out of this so far as I'm not very good with relationships myself, but this last part forces me to give my two pence.

That may be absolutely true, but don't forget to consider the possibility that what she wants is to be with this guy just for awhile and still not have the guilt, and maybe when it doesn't work or she get's tired of it (or he does) have an out to beg you to take her back.

Sorry to be negative, and I could easily be wrong, but that's the first possibility that ocurred to me.

Frei I know how you feel, I have moved on from the relationships I'm about to mention (and I'm now dating a girl I'm absolutely in love with...) so maybe I can offer a few well wishes and sympathy.

I dated this girl once (for 9 months)...and she dumped me for a guy she barely knew, it didn't help that the situation was already strained by road construction and the lateness getting to the local rock concert going on that we planned to attend, but I did what I could and she left me.
I didn't eat for three days, and I lived on Dr. Who and Top Gear reruns (british television cures the american's broken heart...odd) Of course, I went to my mother's in CT and there I started talking to the next girl I was to date...and be crushed by.
That one and I went for...a year and...two months? something like that. anyways, she left me for a guy she barely knew but at least it was because I wasn't paying the bills (apparently I'm the wiser because she was rather foolish getting an apartment, no matter how well your temp job pays)
But this time I turned to my friends and, even though I had alienated from them (I never really had that many girls to date, I try to always be there for the girl I'm with) they accepted me back, so I became their taxi driver and I moved on, during this breakup process I started talking to a girl I knew liked me, but I was always dating some other girl to date her, and I asked her out, we've been dating for 6 months and she and I are like this -crosses fingers-

Frei, although you (and a [large] majority of the members here) are older than I all I can say is that from my experience it never helps to dwell in the past, you never know when you might miss a wonderful future!

Ah, yes... the old 'Follow your heart... But don't forget to use your head' conundrum.
That last bit is really important; because when you feel that you know people, you really don't.

Sounds to me like you've got a lid on things, Freiwillige. Ignore the 'say one thing and then do another' stuff' as there's no sense in hanging about for an answer that you are never going to get from her. If she cannot answer you straight now, she never will.

At least there's a simple answer to your breaking up. You can't trust someone who lies or cheats on you. In the end you will be better off without her. Better to find out now and end it rather than doom yourself to years of difficult and emotional relationship turbulence and unhappiness.

I had my other half of nearly ten years leave me back in december. Left me a paper note telling me she needed space. Couldn't even tell me to my face. I'm not going to go into much more detail (it's most likely here on subsim somewhere anyway lol), but for this:
She has severe clinical depression (strong medication and a head shrinker to boot), always has done, which I accepted about the woman I love (still now, unfortunately) despite the pressure it caused on our relationship. I stuck with it for a long time. Until she reasoned in her instability that the best thing for herself was to leave.

Looking back on some of the things I lived with as 'normal' every day stuff with her, I am forced to examine closely, a question my mother put to me in the new year (yes, it has taken that long for me to digest) - 'Could you live with another ten or twenty years of the frequent breakdowns and irrational and unstable behaviour that has led you to where you are now, and be happy?' - As much as my heart would forgive all just for the chance to feel her warmth back next to me on her side of our bed and to see her smile at me, like there's no one else in the world, when she wakes up... I must say no.

You always seem to loose something of yourself that is so precious and important that there are no real words to describe it. Breakups are funny like that; I slept on my sofa for 2 months because I wasn't comfortable in sleeping in what I still considered to be 'our' bed hahah.

You'll do some weird ****, but that's ok. Get out with your mates, eat good food every day, maybe a spot of exercise (I do a lot of hiking and a little weight training a few times a week). It's all good stuff. I'd also not recommend letting your sleeping get all messed up... spending all night brooding over things is not healthy on so many levels - that's something I still struggle a with from time to time.
You just have to refocus your attention on the good things in life and to follow your head and not your heart for the time being. There's no panacea for how you feel, or for how I feel, or for any of us in times like these. But the sun still rises each morning and it's a beautiful world containing many beautiful people - you're here to see it every day, gratis.

I once dated a young lady in a small college town in the next state, she grew up in the area but i was from out of town.

We had a fantastic relationship. We enjoyed the same dinners, movies, books, games. everything was great.

We carried on for about a year a half and i decided that she was the girl i wanted to spend my life with. So i proposed and she accepted my proposal. She was well aware that my upcoming professional life as a pilot could take us anywhere in the United States as well as possibly the world some day and she went on about how she loved to travel, and loved me... enough to go anywhere for the sake of "us".

I had finished most of my schooling, and elected to get some additional pilot ratings closer to home here in Texas. She came toi Texas with me for about a week in the summer and we shopped for an apartment and home furnishings.

I put a deposit down on a nice 2 bedroom apartment and we were to move in by the end of the month.

I would go and visit my grandfather for a week in the summer as she secured loose ends in the little college town in preparation for us to move in with one another.

I placed one of my nightly calls to her around 10pm when the store where she worked closed, normally i would talk to her as she walked to her car and drove home all the way until she was safe and sound in her little efficiency apartment - this was our normal routine.

However this time... I got no answer.

I tried again about 15 minutes later assuming there were some extra work duties she was tending to.

again i got no answer.

I tried again at 10:45 and about once or twice an hour until 4:30am :o

finally she answered.

Apparently, she went home with one of her male co-workers (who had only started at the job a few days prior) and stayed at his house "talking" until about 4am :shifty:

i simply said "well it must have been a very interesting conversation." and hung up on her. The next day she called me back in tears confessing all of her infidelity... swearing there was no sex but pretty much everything else you could imagine was done. :stare:

When i returned from my trip, I dropped off my dad, hit the local gas station and immediately drove the 4 hours to this small college town and went to her apartment and loaded up my "stuff" (what little there was) as she just stood there begging me not to be mad.

the last of my things i collected from her little apartment was the engagement ring off her finger. I tossed it into a box of random junk. closed the hatchback and without so much as a word got into the car and drove the 4 hours home.

i later found out through conversations with mutual friends and from her own mouth... she cheated as a way out.

she was a small town girl, she was intimidated by the world around her, she was scared to leave that little part of her world and was looking for a "way out" and saw an opportunity with a flirtatious co-worker she wouldnt have otherwise given a second thought to romantically.

personally, i would have been a helluva lot more understanding had she just been honest about her fears of leaving the little house on the prairie behind and said she wasnt ready, I cant say for sure how i would have reacted, but i'd like to think i would have understood her position.

Turns out that the douche bag co-worker loved to hit women. :nope:

their relationship lasted about 8 months

This all took place about 11 years ago.

she is married now to what i assume to be a good man, and they have one kid.

...they live about 3 blocks from that little one bedroom efficiency apartment in a town with a non-school season population of about 3,000-5,000 people.




Whatever you do Freiwillige - Dont let the transgressions of one woman spill over into your future relationships. You have to trust in order to develop a bond with your significant other.

I have had a lot of failed relationships... but i learned a valuable lesson from all of them, and they made me - romantically speaking - who i am today. and i credit the lessons from successful and unsuccessful relationships to helping me develop such a wonderful relationship with my wife today!

women usually cope with these situations easily than men. Women tend to talk about their feelings easily with their friends than us dudes. I mean, how many times have you seen a guy crying in front of other dude out of emotions?

She says she is not going to date with this fella. Ok, but what about her SMS communication just after a day when you caught her?

Time is your best friend. Next few days will be very difficult for you. Leave the damn computer for a few days, and try to go out with friends :salute:

Or continue to vent here to us.

Whether she chooses to stay single or not is irrelevant. Thats her life. No longer yours. These are hard words to accept, but sometimes as men we must realize that in letting something go, we are also reclaiming part of ourselves. Every relationship is a sacrifice - by both people. Because you love her, wish her the best as she moves forward, regardless of the hurt you have, because love does that. Just remember that while love can forgive, it cannot forget.

Maybe she does choose to stay single. Maybe not. She has to figure out what she wants in her life - and she has proven that what that is - right now - isn't JUST you. I have heard every reason in the book for why a woman will step out - whether it be emotionally, or physically. Ultimately, a relationship that fails like this is because one person lacked something. What sucks is that many times - the cheater doesn't realize what they need, and thus doesn't communicate it to their partner. We men are by nature fixers, give us a problem, we want to fix it. Women aren't - and both sides tend not to always discuss things when problems arise. In this case, her own words say she didn't have an issue with you - but she had issues with her own wants and needs. Better that you find that out now - and let her deal with her own stuff - than sit with blinders on as she tries to figure it all out.

The decisions are made - and you 2 have gotten things to where your seperate. Your going to cry, your going to be angry, your going to go through every emotional swing there is. Its ok, its natural, and you can vent it with us my friend. As much as it sucks, this is a growing opportunity for you. Focus on what you can gain yourself internally - and less on the loss. Time will heal the pain, but don't let her keep reopening the wound.

Amen brother. No one said Frei has to sit it out until said girlfriend 'finds' herself. While she is doing that go seek and ye shall find! :03:

This man speaks sense on many levels.

Wise words and ring true even in my female endevours. Love is one thing...trust is an entirely different playing field.

Imagine what House would have to say on all this story. You'll feel better immediately. ;)

2 more cents if wanted.

Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of her. Gifts, pictures, letters, whatever. Do not talk to her, do not write, cut all contact completely, and fully. These are items that only aid to dwell on the past, which only leads to more tears.

Do everything to put her out of your mind, but retain the lessons learned, and Focus your mental energy on something else. Job, hobby, outdoor hobbies like hiking, whatever floats your boat. But whatever you do, do not allow yourself to be idle in such a way that you have nothing to do but think about the past. Do not get bored.

Ducimus is wise.

Summertime is here, go have a blast.

Again thanks to all for some very wise advice. Let me tell you where its at now. First off I couldn't eat for two days, I did have half a sub sandwich that I foreced on myself. I broke a record and didn't sleep for 36 hours. Last night I was still in shock and aww mode and wondered to the local bar right around the corner. It was Karaoke night and as I sat there drinking this Girl starts singing this song that hit me like a truck. The lyrics were so exact to my situation that as I listened I broke down.

(You and me used to be together, everyday together always. I really feel Im losing my best friend, Is this really the end. It seems you know, that your letting go and if this is the end I dont want to know. Chorus
Dont speak, I know what your thinking. so please just stop explaining. Dont tell me cause it hurts. Its all ending I have to stop pretending who we are, who we were. You and I, As we die i sit there with my head in my hands and cry) No Doubt-Dont speak

In a bar full of people I couldn't wipe the tears away fast enough and I could have filled another pint easily it seemed. As I pulled it together the girl singing came over and it turns out that her and her boyfriend were the same couple me and Sahra had befriended only three weeks prior at the same bar. She asked where Sahra was and I told her that we weren't together.
They invited me to her table and that was that and things got fun again. I got smashed, we laughed, we talked and I sang a few songs. I got home and fell apart again. And it was the good kind where you just let it all out.
I went thru the four phases Denial, Anger, depression and acceptance.

I woke up this morning a new man and I could see clearly again. I not only understand the letter she sent trying to explain in her own confused manner but shockingly I agree. I now know why she left and I dont blame her. I have no more anger. And the real reason she's gone was founded a long time ago in us. She was frustrated cause she was always finding way's to better herself through school and career changes to end up in a better position in life. I on the otherhand was completely unmotivated to advance myself. I would start studying to get my A+ computer tech certifiacation so I could work in that industry only to get bored two weeks in and give up. She got a second job while I almost gave up or half hazzardly looked for just one. She would go to work and work all night and I would go to the bar and drink all night. She paid for everything, Truck insurance, Beer, Dinner. It was too much and even know she was in love with me and wanted marriage we weren't going anywhere and she felt stuck. I was making money some weeks and making none some months.

She told me two months ago that If I didn't have a job in two weeks she was gone and she stayed because for a short time I tried but fell back into my complacent routine. I think this issue with her and the guy was an out, an escape to do what she didn't have the heart to do. She said in her letter that even though it looks like I left you for him that is not the case. She said that she was talking to him but they were just friends cause she doesn't want to date she wants to focus on her and more schooling and that if she stayed we would have never gotten better.

I do need to work on myself and I see that this relationship even know I love her more than anything was just leaving me complacent and not advancing cause she always took care of me.

I also understand that she may date this guy and that it is infact irrelavant and I am even okay with that. Like I said I know that she's in love with me as much as I am with her but I understand her motives and it gives me more motivation to do for me. I know that we wont talk for sometime and maybe as I believe we will end up together again and married maybe not. But I am okay with it cause I have to let go in order to be the man I need to be for myself and for her or the next girl that comes into my life.

For now I am not going to date, I dont need to and I dont have any desire to. I am only motivated to fix myself and enjoy the company of great friends including all of you. Things are already looking up as my buddy hooked me up with a temp job that if I do well the guy might keep and train me. My buddy makes 80K a year so it could be a career! He also has all the schooling video's his company sends him that cost the comapany 300$ per download. I get to see them for free! So it is all looking up! My friends I am okay and today I can have a smile on my face because I can let go and work on me and the firm belief that down the road me and her may be in the same boat but it will be the bigger deluxe gold plated boat not not this dingy we were floating on and going nowhere.

:yeah: