A small plane with a Brit, a Japanese, an American and a Mexican experienced engine problems over the Atlantic and had lose weight to stay aloft. After having thrown all of their luggage out, they were still too heavy. So the Brit bravely decided to sacrifice himself to save his friends. 'For Queen and Country', he cried, as he threw himself out the door and fell to his death. But the plane was still too heavy, so the Japanese made a decision to give his life for his remaining buddies. 'For the Emperor', he cried as he jumped out the door. But still, the plane was too heavy, so the American boldly made up his mind: 'Remember the Alamo', he shouted, and threw out the Mexican.

A Russian man, a Spanish man, and a Chinese man arrive at a construction site for their first day of work. The foreman comes out, greets them, and assigns them their duties for the day.

"Russian man," he says, "I need you to take this wheelbarrow and go handle the landscaping. Spanish man, you should go help pour the cement. Chinese man, you're in charge of supplies."

Several hours later the Russian man and the Spanish man meet during a break.

"Russian man," says the Spanish man, "where is Chinese man? I haven't seen him all day!"

Then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind a wall and yells "SUPPLIES!"

Aww, pool venelable Chinese man:rotfl:.

Reminds me of an old Weird Al Yankovic movie called 'The Vidiot from VHS.' There is a guy who jumps out of the supply closet and yells it. :rotfl:

Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,


"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now i've been nice to the NZ'ers i'll add this! :p

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an All Black rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Kiwi fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies,
"Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said,
"he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know s**t about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

LMAO :rotfl: :rotfl:

Three sons have spent their lives competing with each other. As their mother's 90th birthday approaches they describe what they're doing for her.

John, the oldest: "I've bought mom a 30-room mansion. She'll spend her last days in luxury."

Joe: "I got her a limousine, with a chauffeur to drive her anywhere she wants to go."

Dave: "I think I've finally outdone you guys. I searched the world until I found the perfect gift. You know how much mom loves the bible. Well, I found a parrot that was raised by Benedictine monks. You can say the first word of any passage in the bible, and this parrot will quote the entire verse."


Mom sends thank-you letters:

Dear John: Thank you so much for the big house. I live in three rooms and have to clean thirty.

Dear Joe: Thank you so much for the car. I never go anywhere and the driver is rude to me.

Dear David: Thank you for knowing what a mother truly likes. The chicken was delicious.

Juri Gagarin was not the first man in space, his unnamed predacessor simply wasnt loyal ennough to hold his breath when the life suport system failed.

:rotfl:

An Aer Lingus Boeing is coming into land.
'Runway in soight Seamus,' says the Captain.
'Roger dat, Paddy,' replies the Co-pilot.
'Give me foive degrees of flaps,' the Captain says.
'Foive it is,' replies the Co-pilot.
'Ten degrees,' says the Captain.
'Dere ya go, ten degrees flaps,' the Co-pilot calls.
'Holy crap, give me tirty degrees of flaps and full spoilers!' shouts the Captain.
'No,' he shouts, 'give me all the flaps we've got and put the engines in full reverse now!' he shouts to the Co-pilot.
'You got it,' replies Seamus.
As the plane slams onto the runway, the Captain yells to the Co-pilot: 'Stand on the brakes with me Seamus, or we're all dead!'
Paddy and Seamus stand on the brakes with the engines howling away in full reverse thrust, and they screech to a halt with the nosewheel teetering on the edge of the runway, half an inch from being on the grass.
'Holy mother of Jayzus, Paddy, Dat's the shortest runway I've ever landed on.'
Paddy looks out of the right window: 'But will you look how wide the feckin thing is Seamus'.

:D Chock

Meteorologists predict a major flood, and evacuation has been ordered by the authorities. A Christian pastor stands outside his house, watching his friends pack their cars. 'Hop in', one cries to him, 'we've got room! We'll take you to safety, just pack some clothes and other things you need!'. Bu the pastor replies calmly, 'I don't need your help, my son. I am a man of God, and He will surely look after me and ensure my survival'.

Hours after the departure of the pastor's friends, rain starts to pound the neighborhood. The next day, the flood water is a meter deep. Patrolling rescue workers come by the house in an inflatable, and see the pastor serenely looking out the window. 'Why are you still here', they yell to him. 'Hey, get in, we'll take you to the refugee centre!'. But again the pastor refuses help. 'I am a pastor, friends', he calms them. 'The Lord will look after me, for He needs his faithful to spread the Word and do good in this world'. Reluctantly, the rescue workers leave.

Days after, the pastor has retreated to the roof of his house. A helicopter arrives and hovers over the house, but again he refuses their help. He is God's servant, and is ensured protection. No help needed. The chopper flies off and disappears into the grey clouds. Hours afterwards, the water engulfs the house and drowns the pastor.

The pastor is dumbstruck when he stands before God. 'My Lord, I've been serving you for years. Why did you not save my life?'

The Lord, after having banged his head into the nearest wall, thunders upon his child, 'You bloody idiot! I sent you a Range Rover, an inflatable, and a National Guard helicopter! What more did you want?!'

:p

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge? A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.

Q:What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A:Locking the car door.

Q:What's the difference between a blonde and the internet?
A:Not everyone's been on the internet!

A priest was out for his evening constitutional when he heard a wee, small voice call "Help me, father! Please help me!" Looking around, he finally saw a small frog sitting on a tree stump.

"Glory be", said the priest, "a talking frog!"

"I wasn't always a frog", replied the frog, "I used to be a lovely choirboy. A wicked witch turned me into a frog, and said the only way I could be restored was if a kindly soul should take me to his very own house, give me a cup of warm soup and let me sleep in his very own bed!"

Seeing no harm in this, the priest took the frog to his house, gave him a cup of warm soup and tucked him into his very own bed, himself sleeping on the sofa. When he awoke in the morning he looked into the bedroom, and there, sleeping soundly, was a lovely choirboy.









And that, Your Honor, is the case for the defense.

LMAO
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

The Perfectly Politically Correct Joke.

Individuals entered somewhere.
Something needed to happen.
Only nothing did.
Everyone wondered if everyone else would be offended.


======================

There was a female Ecologist, and a male Construction worker, and a female Politician, all listening to a male Bum, laying in the gutter, bitching about how screwed up his life is.

The Bum complained about how he felt threatened by Global Warming or just plain extreme weather patterns and this was one reason for his drinking problem.

The female Ecologist agreed with him.

The Bum then spoke of how he felt useless in the eyes of the government so he never bothered to vote, but he was thankful for the free handouts now and then from the government.

The female Politician spoke comforting words to him and told him to vote for her in the next election and she would see to it that he would be taken care of.

The Construction Worker looked at the female Ecologist and said "Nice tits. If your a lesbian I'm sure I can change your mind"

Upon hearing this the female Politician became completely upset saying "You men are all alike... all you think about is sex sex sex. Your never concerned about the poor woman's needs or wants ... you just screw any thing that will let you screw it... I think all men who are not gay should be castrated... IN FACT WHEN I'M ELECTED PRESEDENT I WILL DO ALL IN MY POWER TO BRING DOWN THIS GOVERNMENT RUN BY MEN AND BUILD A NEW KINDER MORE UNDERSTANDING AND GIVING GOVERNMENT WHERE EACH PERSON WILL HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT AS THE NEXT EACH PERSON WILL BE EXPECTED TO GIVE TO RECIEVE AND IF A PERSON CANT OR WONT THEN THEY WILL BE CONSIDERED A BURDEN TO THIS SOCITEY AND BE ELIMINATED!!!!"

The male Construction Worker said "DAHAAAAMMMMNNNn....Well, Hillary, I would have offered to screw you ...but, your ugly."

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