What he means is that no one would ever shoot Bernard... by accident. :O:

He'd probably miss Bernard and the round would ricochet through the tea cosy - and that would never be good :nope:.

More, Brag, More... :D

If nothing else has been proven by this story and all the "legends" of Bernard thru the many many moons of Subsim - you CAN'T kill th' bloody bugger! No matter HOW many times you dive while he is still outside, shoot him, poison him, leave him to the tender mercies of the good Frau - he will somehow still turn up in the very next episode.

We al are Bernards.. they live to tell the tale!

I've gotten through 3 out of the 4 pages of Balz stories, enjoyable reading!!

But nobody seemed to pick up the fact that Bernard is actually the Fuhrer's nephew! That's why he always gets to be on a sub, because it's his dream to eventually command his own U-boat, even though, his one attempt (so far) at command led them to almost crashing into the minesweeper escort!

Brag's writing has made this a very enjoyable read! I have even picked up his Kingmaker novel solely based on the Balz works! :D

There was a web site that collected all the Balz stories into one lump, what happened to it? I can't seem to access it.

Balz used an eye dropper to ration water. On the seventh day, we were all very thirsty. Some were getting delusional, especially the lookouts on duty, who kept seeing ships.
A few minutes before noon as Balz was to perform the eye drop ration hoochie woochie, P.O. Weber said, "Ship Spotted."
Balz looked through his glasses. "Everyone, start speaking Greek."
"Is it a Greek ship?" I asked.
"How do we speak Greek?" Bernard asked.
"Yasu Panayotis, Papadimitropolus, Metaxa, uzo Pireus Partenon Alexandropolis hoochie woochiepappas Salamis," Balz explained.
"What if we say it wrong?" I Asked.
"It doesn´t matter," Balz said. "The crew on that ship is Portuguese."

We did some serious waving and the tramp steamer, Boaventura, stopped fifty meters from us. I got hoisted up first in a bosun´s chair. Then Balz climbed up a Jacob's ladder.
"Bon dia," Balz said to the Portuguese captain, "Your papers, please."
"Papers?
| "Yes, your cargo, manifest, crew list, registration certificate, radio station license."
"You, coo-coo?"
"No, we are Greek. Inspecting ships for contraband is an old habit I acquired while speaking Spanish. My name is Balz, I am the greatest hero in the Spanish navy. That´s why they call me the Lion of Trafalgar."
The Portuguese capatain whose name was Fonseca scratched his head. "Ah, Trafalgar, did you meet Mr. Nelson, the admiral?"
"I´ve sunk the Nelson."
"Let me get you a glass of water. I have a nice guest cabin and the ship´s doctor will give you a pill." Fonseca took Balz by the elbow and led him aft.
"Water? Do you have any tea cozies on board?"
I wondered how long it would take Fonseca to radio the Royal Navy.


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Stay glued to this thread for the next installment of the Balz saga :D

I'm glued, I'm glued, but using phone and battery running out so hurry up dagnabbit! :D

Why on earth would he radio the Royal Navy? Greek-speaking Spaniards are the province of the Turks, I believe. Besides, doesn't Balz still have one of those flying carpets?

That evening the officers had a bacalhao dinner in the wardroom of the Boaventura.
"What´s your destination?" Balz asked Captain Fonseca.
"Gibraltar," Fonseca said.
"That won´t do," Balz shifted in his seat.
"It´s a short bus or taxi ride to Spain. You should be happy and I will each one of you carry five kilos of Angolan coffee thatñs worth a fortune in Europe now." Fonseca patted Balz on the shoulder. "Don´t look so gloomy."
"In Gib they drive on the wrong side of the road. I refuse to ride on the back side of a road that goes forward."
"That´s your land problem. Have a glass of oporto."
Balz sipped his port. "No, the problem is yours. I bought a ticket to France."
"What do you mean ticket? You were hitch hiking."
"I wasn´t hitch hiking. I was looking for my dear, lost tea cozy."
"That´s your problem," Fonseca retorted.
"Why do you keep adding problems? That´s not hoochie woochie."
Fonseca´s face clouded. "what nationality you said you were? The Royal Navy reported sinking a U-boat in the vicinity."
Balz gestured around him. "We are Greeks with Spanish accent when we don´t speak Japanese in English. A U-boat? That must have been what sunk us, to steal my tea cozy."
Fonseca slapped Balz on the back. "Have another glass of port. Life and Gibraltar improve after two glasses."

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Is Balz doomed to end up in Gibraltar?
Find out in the next episode of this exciting tale of the sea.

Gibraltar - two glasses? I've been there several times and always had many more than that. And never shabby in the morning! Well, almost never! Okay, always shabby in the morning, but I'm reformed now :D

I do hope they get to Gib :yep:

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I'm the one on the left, looking very shabby. Thieving Hijos de puta!

Bacalhau herr Balz, Bacalhau...

The next morning, Rhodes, the flegmatic first officer of the Boaventura ordered bacalhau for breakfast.
"Do you eat bacalhau every day?" Balz asked.
"We eat bacalhau for every meal." Rhodes smiled showing a perfect set of teeth :D.
While eating his morning bacalhau, Balz said. There is something wrong with your radio."
"There is nothing wrong with my radio," Captain Fonseca answered.
"Yes there is, I tried calling my mother and it didn´t work."
"Is your mother a ham operator?"
"Oh yes, she makes the best hams this side of Mecca. But you really need to get your radio fixed."
"My radion needs no fixing."
"I will send my radio genious Bernard, he will show your radio officer how to get more out of your radio. It will be bacalhau perfect. Your signals will have a perfect bounce off the gloposphere. It´s very hoochie woochie."
By the time they finished their bacalhau, Fonseca a greed to have his radio checked.

Bernard entered the radio room. "First thing we do, we remove the front panel." In a few minutes he had removed the dials, carefully placed them on the desk. He then removed the panel, very carefully. "Ach, you see all that dust. That decentrifies the diodes. "First we clean the chasis." He took a wet rag and applied it to the cassis.
Sparks flew, Bernard flew out of the radio room.
"You´ve ruined my radio," Fonseca yelled."
"Not at all," Balz said. He placed the head set on Fonseca´s head. "Hear anything?"
"No, nothing."
"No Static?"
"No."
"See, we fixed your static problem."

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:har::har::har::salute::up:

Herr Bernard, my gramophone appears to be broken. Can you take a look at it please? Danke.

Steadily, at sevem knots, the Boaventura headed north, it went past the Cape Verde Islands and then the Canaries. The weather was nice and the officers of U-123 sunned themselves on deck chairs. Life was good.

Balz went up to the bridge where Captain Fonseca and First Officer Rhodes were poring over a chart-
"We get to this point," Captain Fonseca tapped the chart with his index finger," and we turn straight for Gibraltar."
Balz adjusted the tea cozy he had fashioned out of a paper shopping bag. "I thought it was called the Gibraltar Strait."
Fonseca looked up- "It is called the Strait of Gibraltar."
"And you want to go straight for the strait?"
"Yes, straight for the Strait."
"Because I am a straightforward man, I have to tell you strait away in a very straight manner that Captain Walter will not allow any straight navigation for the Strait," Balz said.
Fonseca frowned. "And who in the hell is Captain Walter?"
Balz pulled the P-38 out of his smoking jacket pocket. "Allow me to introduce you to Captain Walter, it´s a very straight shooter. Plot a new course to Cape Finistere, then we will proceed to the charming port of Lorient. There, you will sell your coffee at a much better price that the Gibraltar tea sipping Limeys will pay.


Six days later. Lorient.

"What´s that noise?" Admiral Doenitz asked.
"It´s Balz, Sir," said the adjutant.
"Oh, no," said the admiral. After a minute his face brightened. "At least, I don´t have to give him a medal."
"Yes, you do."
"What in the hell for? He lost his submarine!"
"For breaking the Allied blockade. He has brought two thousand tons of Kafe for the Fuhrer."

Not far away, the deep rumble of a tank engine started.

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More, more, more, more, more, more... :yep:


Please :D

:hmm2:

Sounds like somebody's gone and got their Panzers in a bunch. :O:

Vavavaroom haha :haha:

Brag, still loving it.

Halfway through Kingmaker, and I do detect some Balz in some of the characters, when I got my hands on Blairs U-boat war. I'll get a review out, or at least a well earned attaboy, soon as I finish.