Granted, but a trip "down under" to view an Aussie in it's natural state leads to a Sydney "bar crawl" with TarJak that leaves you slobbering drunk and wondering what you had said in the first place.

I wish I knew how it is that Aussies' don't fall off the bottom of the earth, anyways.

Granted, but the knowledge does you no good since there is so much beer in your system that you black out and awaken naked on a glacier in the Australian Antarctic territory.

I wish I could patent gravity and charge a user fee.

Granted, but you forgot to pay your own fee, and are flung off the earth into the sun.




I wish the mute button worked on children.

Granted, but you are sentenced to a long prison term for child abuse.

I wish SHV had more U-boat types included.

Granted, but they will all come with a fully modeled Bernard who sinks the ship on your first patrol with a badly timed and fully modeled flush in your shiny new fully modeled privy.

I wish I believed my rig would run SH5: Das Boot, Sie Mussen Abkonnen with all options fully enabled.

Granted, your rig will run it with all options maxed out. For a grand total of 15-seconds and then your hard-drive melts down.

I wish I could copyright vowels and charge per use.

Grntd, y nw wn ll th vwls n th wrld. Gd lck tryng t clm n thr se.

wsh cld se vwls gn wtht pying rlts t Rndmzr

Granted. Disgusted by being unable to search for Lolcats without paying a usury fee, Kim Jong Il fires off his entire nuclear arsenal at Randomizer's current location, thereby waiving and canceling all charges and fees for the use of vowels.

I wish all would hail the "Dear Leader".

Granted and Dear Leader is pulverized to a bloody pulp by baseball sized hail and his gooey remains are deposited on VonHesse's bed.

I wish cell phones were living cells.

Granted but the new cell phones cause cancer in the phone's cells.

I wish I could dig a hole to China.

Granted, Rio tinto is hiring now. Go get 'em big boy.

I wish naval parlance was in vogue.

Granted, however nearing the end you are detected by the Chinese who decide that you must be a capitalist spy. You are sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor making McDonalds Happy Meal toys.

I wish I weren't so sleepy.

Argh! Too late to crush Tarjak's dream sooo...

Granted, you are no longer sleepy. In fact you will never sleep again and will soon be totally insane and go into politics.

I wish ironclads had been made of sponges.

Granted, but battles were instead fought with Spongeclad warships made from iron

I wish the enemy would surrender already

Granted, but seeing as how you failed to realise and carried on fighting, you are now guilty of war crimes.

I wish the past was posted retrospectively.

Granted but the retrospective is soon focused upon you and turns into a comedy roast with all SubSim lined up to hurl insults. Sadly demoralized and with self esteem in tatters you slink away to Bangkok where you undertake a sex change and become a streetwalker.

I wish the fabled Hare could have beaten the Tortoise.

Granted, now children all over the world are confused as to what the moral of that fable was and are rushing everywhere not completing the important things in life completely ruining the economy in the process.

I wish I didn't have to do this conference call with Miami.

Granted - the conference call numbers somehow get swtiched to a 900 adult entertainment number. Your superiors fire you for calling sex lines from work when you were supposed to be working.

I wish my new motherboard was here already.

Granted, but the new motherboard was rushed in development and you'll have to wait several weeks for patches.

I wish I was cleverer.

Granted, you now can count to ten.

I wish compatibility equalled desirability.