What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?
Not ennough sand.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Why don't women normally wear watches?
There's a clock on the oven.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride dirt bikes?

What's the difference between George W. Bush and a deer?
If you find a dead deer in the middle of the road it has skid marks in front of it.

How does every racist joke start?
With a look over each shoulder.

So this baby seal walks into a club...

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What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?
-A basketball coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
-A quarterback
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 1000 black guys?
-A warden.
(I'm not a racist, I swear! I just repeat the jokes I hear!)
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A man is in court and begins yelling at the judge about what a hard life he has had. The judge looks at him and says "Kid, I deal with the scum of the Earth all day; and then: I have to listen to their clients as well!" (Coming from someone with plans to go into law, nonetheless).
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A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher all go camping in the woods one day. They all bet each other that they can convert a bear to their respective religions within a week, then go out into the wilderness. A week later they meet together again, except the rabbi has a cast on and several bruises and scars.
"Well, I did wonders on my bear! He's being confirmed this Sunday!" the priest said.
"My bear was in tears from the sermon I gave!" said the preacher.
The two looked at the rabbi, and after deducing that he had failed, asked what happened. He replied "Okay, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
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A priest, rabbi, and preacher are fishing one day, and the priest decides to go get a Coke, but instead of rowing the boat to the shore, he gets out and walks across the water to the cooler. The preacher decides to go get a Coke too and copies the miracle performed by the priest. Astonished, the rabbi exclaims "This I must try!!" and gets out and falls into the lake. The priest and preacher look at each other and the priest says "Perhaps we should have told him about the rocks?"
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Wanna hear a great joke?
-Womens' sports!

This one is somewhat racist, but don't beat me for it. I thought it was funny.

Where's the best place to hide something from a black man?
Inside his workboots.

Q: Why does a bride wear white?
A: You want your dishwasher and your stove to match.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs - Californians screw in hot tubs.

One day God decides He's had enough, and tells the Devil he'll prove he's right in a court of law. The Devil says "Don't do it - you'll lose." God replies "What makes you think so?" The Devil says "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

World War Two; the phone rings.
"Fort Bragg, Sergeant's desk."
A sweet little old lady's voice says "Yes. I'd like to do my part for the war effort by having five of your finest young men to my house for thanksgiving dinner."
"That would be wonderful, ma'am! Thank you so much for your consideration!"
"There's just one thing: please make sure they are not Jews."
After a pause the sergeant says "That will be no problem, ma'am. Let me thank you again for your consideration."

Thanksgiving day comes, and as the lady of the manor is having her servants prepare dinner, the doorbell rings. When she opens the door, she sees five black soldiers in their finest dress uniforms. "Oh, my," she stammers, "there must be some mistake!"

The leading black soldier replies "I don't think so, ma'am. Sergeant Steinberg never makes mistakes."

What's the difference between a Bull Dyke and a rhino.....

50 pounds and a flannel shirt

Story about a Midget Fortune Teller...
Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large!

Fishermen on the Lake
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

Teacher to class

" what does your dad do on weekends ? "

Johnny says

" He is a dancer at a gay bar.Sometimes if the money is tight he lets punters bang him in the a*s "

Horrified teacher pulls Johnny to one side

" Is that true Johnny ? "

" No miss " says Johnny " He plays football for the Miami Dolphins but I was too embarrassed to say "

A family of prostitutes are talking.
The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blow job today".
The mother says, "in my day it was £5".
The grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink".

The world's most offensive jokes
 

Here are some jokes that I am sure will offend everyone equally :)

A Catholic Priest and an Orthodox Rabbi were talking.

There is a group of small boys outside

The Priest asks the Rabbi, “why don’t we go outside and screw those little boys”

The Rabbi replies, “Great, out of what?”

__________________

Question: What is the best thing about having sex with twenty eight year olds?

Answer: There’s 20 of them!


Question: What does Michael Jackson have in common with a K-Mart Blue Light Special?

Answer: Both have little boy’s pants half off

__________________


Question: What did the mother say to Michael Jackson when they were at the beach?

Answer: Sir, would you please get out of my son


Yeah, I know I will rot in hell :nope:

Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?

A. They think we care.

Question: How did PMS get its name?

Answer: Mad Cow was already taken

An Italian, a Jew and a gay guy all die and wind up at St. Peter's gate at the same time.
Peter tells them all there's been a mistake so he's sending them back to earth but warns them they must give up the thing they love the most or they'll be back there immediately. They all agree and are instantly back on Earth in a major city. As they walk down the street, they pass an Italian restaurant.

"Mama Mia! Do you smell that carbonara sauce? It smells so good.", says the Italian and "POOF", he's gone in an instant.

Chastened, the other two continue down the road a few more blocks. Then the Jew spots a five dollar bill in the street. He bends over to pick it up and,"POOF", they're both gone.

One other, Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because his wife died.

I used to hate weddings. All the old ladies would poke me and say "You're next".

Well, they soon stopped it when I started saying it to them at funerals. :shifty:

Touch it gently...
Put 2 fingers inside, if it's big put 3 fingers in...
Make sure it's wet...
Rub it up and down....
Yeah....

That's how you wash a cup

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I went home from work early today and found the plumber shagging my dog.
I phoned the police and they said there was nothing they could do.
They said the bas*ard was Corgi Registered.

Two young sailors are walking on the beach with their crusty old chief. They spy a lamp in the sand. Of course it's a magic lamp and the genie pops out and says "Hmm...normally I grant three wishes, but since there are three of you I'll give you one each. Who's first?"

The youngest sailor says "Me! Me! I want to live in Hollywood in a big mansion with a Ferrari in the driveway, surrounded by beautiful starlets!"

POOF! He's gone.

The second sailor says "I want to live on a yacht in Tahiti, with half-naked island girls attending to my every need!"

POOF! HE's gone.

The genie then turns to the chief: "And what is YOUR wish?"

"I want both of those clowns back on board at 0600 tomorrow!"

Dennis Rodman finds abottle on beach and picks it up. Suddenly a female genie appears.

"Master, I may grant you one wish," she says with a smile.
"Don't you know who I am, bitch? I don't need no woman to give me nothin", yells Dennis.
The genie pleads with him, "But Master! I must grant you one wish or go back to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks it over, grumbles about the inconvenience of it all, but relents. "Okay. I wanna wake up in the mornin' with three women in my bed. So just do it! Now leave me alone!"
"So be it," says the genie, who's a little annoyed by this time. And the very next morning, Dennis awakens to find three women in his bed; Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone. His leg is broken. And he has no health insurance.
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A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf and were teeing off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.

The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.
When they peeked inside the house, the found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a Genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for and income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The Genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The Genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed. After the Genie and wife were finished, the Genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The Genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, 31 years old." The Genie then asked, "And he still believes in this Genie stuff?"
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A fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his shoulder. He orders a drink. The little man jumps off the shoulder, drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then orders a sandwich. The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich.

After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, I don't usually pry into customers' private affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy?" The customer replies, "Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch *****, and the Genie shrunk my lawyer!"
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A man is walking in the desert on the verge of death when he comes across a shiny lamp which he proceeds to rub. Out pops a genie dressed in a polyester suit, clip tie and an IRS name tag. The IRS genie offers him three wishes which he is understandably reluctant to accept. He ignores the genie until he realizes that he better take him up on his offer or he will surely die.

The dying man asks for the most opulent spread of food and drink.
POOF! A beautiful oasis appears with the most succulent food and drink. After the man has had a bit to eat and drink and recover his senses he makes his second wish to be wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.
POOF! The man is instantly sitting on an enormous pile of gold coins. The man takes some time to absorb all that was happening as the sun begins to set.
The IRS genie is becoming impatient and begins prodding the man for his final wish. Eventually the man complies and begins by telling his woes with women. His third wish is to always be close to and needed by women.
POOF! The man is turned into a tampon.

The moral of this story: You will never get anything from the IRS without strings attached.
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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times."One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I came across this old ruined cottage, and it was getting dark, so I decided to stay overnight.I found an old lamp, and as I wiped some of the dirt off it, a Genie appeared, in the form of a beautiful woman.
She said, "You have released me from centuries of misery, I grant you three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make love with you, right here and right now."
She nodded, the cottage turned into a luxurious bedroom ... We made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, relaxing after our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/7596/genie5ji5.gif ................................................ http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/7705/thgenie9hycr0.gif

The Great Patriotic War.
Private Ivanow, somewhere near Crimea, finds a gold fish.
'You know, comrade' says the fish 'times are tough. I cannot grant you three wishes you know, you have only one'
Ivanow thinks a little...
"So, fish, I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union"
All disappeared.
When Ivanow opened his eyes, he found himself lying in a trench. There was a pack of grenades and a PTRD rifle nearby. Ivanow pulled his head over, just to notice a Panzer platoon and grenadiers coming close.
"Bitch. Posthumously"

A Russian and a bunch of Turks are sitting in a tavern, somewhere in Germany.
Suddenly, the Russian tells "You, Turks, might be nice guys if it was not the three problems you have"
"What did you say!?" - says the Turk -"come on, if you`re a man, let`s go outside!"
"Ahh,the problem No1. You cannot solve problems, you just get angry and aggresive".
However, he agrees to go outside.
In the outside, he soon gets surrounded by a half circle of a dozen of Turks. The Russian looks at them.
"And here we go, the problem no2. You cannot solve your problems personally, you need to call in all friends and folks..."
All Turks get close slowly, taking their knives, kukri, puukko...
"Problem no 3" - tells the Russian, producing an AK47 from the trench he`s wearing "you bring knives for a shoot-out..."

Two women are on their way back from a night out when they get desperate for a piss. They're halfway through a graveyard and no one's around so they drop their pants and go behind a couple of gravestones, the first women wipes her fanny with her knickers and the second uses a wreath.

The next day the husbands are at the pub and the first one says;
"I'll have to keep an eye on my missus from now on, she went out last night and came back with no knickers on!"

And the second replies;
"That's nothing, mine came home with a card wedged halfway up her arse saying 'We'll always miss you, from all the lads at the station'!"
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Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge.
Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe?"
Sheila turns around with tears welling up in her eyes. "Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant. I don't want to be a burden, so I'm just gonna kill myself!"
Bruce gets a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car. "Sheila, not only are you a great fu*k, but you're a good sport about it too!"
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It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the alter, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out. I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid.