like I promised at this moment another hour without something to do so.

this is about Bernards Diary,

Dear Diary,

I,m having good fun on this submarine wich HunterICX commands. the U-9 VIIC type. I really like al those shiny buttons and especialy the big red one nearby the Tubes Door system. Someday I will be pressing those. after a week of a rather boring patrol I managed to kill time by playing with the lights switch turning it off and on all the time, untill it blew up and the Herrkaleun told me to knock it off. when the watch discovered an Tanker we had to go battlestations.I was next the weapon officer and he told me that I had to press the Fire Torpedo button when he gave the order...it was like my dream came true. everything was setted HunterICX told to open door 1 and 3...but I didnt like the number 13 so I opened Number 5 , number 5....that number gives me good memory's I was born on the 5th, got my first kick under the ass on the 5th, I joined the german navy on the 5th , failed my submarine exam 5 times, I had done 5 training session in an IIA U-5 ...oooooh...number 5...I was drooling so when the Weapon Officer said Fire!!! I pussed the big red button it was like I was cumming in my pants....a heavy orgasm indeed because my underwear was soaked...after 2 minutes the captain gave me a slap in the neck pulled me and yelled at me ''YOU IDIOT YOU FIRED THE WRONG TUBE NOW WE ARE DETECTED!!!!....He pulled me by the hair and pulled me to the radio station...the radio man got his rest and I sat their for 35 hours doing nothing untill I heared BEEP BEEP BEP BEEP BEEP BEPPERDEBEEP....a contact message of a ship...it must be huge because of the amounts of beeps it gave so I ran to the navigator excited that this ship must be a big juicy target..the navigator calculated and said that it will take 9 hours on full speed....we were all waiting to shoot that ship down to the bottom...when we arrived at the intercept point we saw that beautifull..........fishing ship...it was my first ship that I had spotted with the radio contact so I was waiting for a ''Congratz Bernard reply from my dear friends'' ....but what I got was a full flame in the face by the captain yelling at me that because of me we waisted too much Diesel....he grabbed me by the neck pulling me into the empty elec.engines compartment and he told me too clean it...the equipment and the tools....I spend 21 hours cleaning and was cleaning an screwdriver....I heard that we we're diving so crew entered the elec.engine compartment starting to launch up the batteries and the engines...I saw the light which I was toying with at the beginning on the patrol...the bulb was gone...but I though...would this screwdriver give light if I pushed it into it? but first I heared that we had to crashdive...well , thats something I had done an couple of times...so I continued with my master Experiment...I pushed the screwdriver in to the socket of the light and I heard a loud ''PAT!!!'' all the lights whent out the engine died...and I heard a loud scream ''BERNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!!'' HunterICX entered the room and he looked like he could kill me...I also felt that way so I wet my pants and started to cry...he yelled at me about the fuses I blew up and the damages we're about to take from an airplane...and just when he said that the sub started to shake, we we're falling on the ground , water came in from all dirrections.....I fainted....when I woke up. HunterICX was next to me saying...the Navigator is sick, so you are going to take his position wich I think cant include your stupidity. I looked on the map and saw that we where heading grid BE...I didnt like B/E it sounded like Bacon and Eggs...wich I hate...so I decided to head north...as far as we can...I wanted to see polarbears...ofcourse I didnt told nobody that...I told HunterICX after passing Iceland that I was going on watch so nobody could see where we were going...I wanted to see polarbears and I wanted to see the crew's faces when they also see one...beautifull creaters they are. I was alone in the tower with the map and gave dirrection to the guys beneath me....It was going well my expedition but HunterICX knocked onto the Tower Door saying ''LET ME UP BERNARD ITS GETTING COLD IN HERE!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!'' I was afraid because I havent seen an polarbear yet!!!! OMG!!!!...I opened the door with my hands shaking when he came up...he looked around without saying nothing ''those moments I,m scared to death because you never know what he might going to do with me'' he turned to me...his eyes where raining fire...everything in front of my eyes whent black...I woke up noticing my hands are tied up....he locked me in the bow torpedo.....I cant tell about how long I have been locked up their...but after a long time I woke up hearing screws in front of me...I thought '' OMG ENEMY SHIP!!! AND HUNTERICX HASNT NOTICED IT , NOBODY IS HERE TO FIRE THE TORPEDO'S !!!! it must be close about 300 - 400 meter close enough for the torpedo's to explode.. I HAD TO SAVE THIS SUBMARINE I HAD TO SAVE MY BELOVED FRIENDS!!!! So I managed to use my head for the first time in my life...I managed to set it on an Salvo Fire of 4 torpedo's and then I gave a hard slam on that big shiny button and the torpedo's where off to sink that pesky brit....I heard 4 loud explosion and cracking...the ship sunk directly! I was a HEROOOO!!! I waited 1 minute I knew that hunterICX was going to give me a knights cross for this one....but I heard something completly different I hear the crewmembers saying ''Dont Do It HunterICX....I know he can be very anoying..I know he screws up but dont do this'' ''Comon HunterICX I know Bernard went too far on this one but what you're going to do is going to cost ur reputation'' I heard loudly HunterICX yelling ''I DONT ****ING CARE!!! HE HAS TO BE GONE!!! THIS IS A REAL NIGHTMARE FOR THE GERMAN NAVY!!! AND I,M ABOUT TO GET RID OF IT!!!!'' I heard the door opening and saw HunterICX his face looked like that one from a Madman..I looked at his hand and he had his Ludger...Ow No !!! he's Going to kill me!!! I received bullets everywhere I heard him screaming to me and he laughed ...but that stopped when I opened my eyes...''THIS CANT BE HAPPENING!!!'' the crew entered the room and looked at me with fear...they mumbles about ''He's straight from hell , giving us bad luck ow no....'' I heard panic going around the submarine...but I fainted because of the loss of blood.....I woke up 6 weeks later in an hospital...I was alive.

this was my ''5''th patrol, numberrrrr 5

ps. I received a nice ''Get well soon card'' from HunterICX in his new submarine an IIA type sub. the U-2

ps2. I hope he will be good friends with my Twin brother Bernard whois also an sailor on the U-2.

Bernard Dummkopf.
Bye Bye Diary

@ HunterICX: :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:Fraking awesome!!!!!!!!!!! You are good at this, mate!!!!!!!!!!!! ROFL!!!!!!! :rotfl: Kudos kudos kudos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It would be even better if it had paragraphs... phew that was a tough read. But funny.

"ps2. I hope he will be good friends with my Twin brother Bernard whois also an sailor on the U-2."
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Oh crap, I've created a monster. :oops: :yep:

Fraking? You wouldn't be a BSG fan, would you?

:rock::rock::rock:

I must say, my first large uncottrolable laught since I read saw a picture in the Funny SH3 pictures thread where there was a similar issue.

I wonder how the ministry of propaganda would censure this one?

[quote=Respenus]:oops: Sorry, my mistake. "Im not going to that Frakin party" :rotfl:I ment Freaking...

[quote=_Seth_]Too bad them! :down:

Here's my attemp at letter writting: :shifty:

My darling Helga,

How much I wish I could be with you right now! But Fatherland calls and who are we to say to our dear Furer's call.

I'm stationed somewhere in Scandinavia and the city in which the port is situated is very nice. Warm and kindly. Me and my man are having great time here.

I have been given command of a new boat. Straight from the yards. A real beauty. With this kind of boats, that swine Churchil will have to hide in the little ****hold that is England (All British, PLZ do not kill me).

I have to go now, my the port master is already here to pick me up.

Have a great time, my dear Helga and I hope to see you soon, celebrating the victory of our Fatherland.

Your's truly,
Respenus

Cdre Gibs, could you PLZ "cenzor" mine! THX! :D

:up: Thx all who enjoyed the read.

Sorry for the dificulty , I should have made pharagraphs...I will.....

on the next one :arrgh!: ''Story of the U-2'' comming soon
stay tuned tomorow

My dearest Kim

Since everything from my last patrol has died down I'm back to the sea but with a new found liking of the party they treated me well and let me keep my rank after showing me my letters to you.

No matter I promise to come back to you unless Bernard rams my boat again then well... I rather not say.

Your Love
Kpt. Cope

P.S
Heil Hitler!

You know, I started this thread in all seriousness, trying to post a patrol report that was creative and different, and I do appreciate those of you who recognised it -- thank you.

But it's taken on a life of it's own, and not a bad one! :smug:

Me likey.

Dodger,

Don't take things too seriously. It'll give you a coronary.

Dear you,

All threads here take on a life of their own (most commonly by turning themselves into suggestion threads for Silent Hunter 4:p). Must be part of the forum's aura or something:yep:.

Your beloved me.

Good thread.

Nicely played, Cdre Gibs

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My beautiful Anitra,

I just got your letter.

I asked about your cousin's husband, Goldenberg. He was an editor of a weekly: 'der bigmouth troublemaker'. I can't find out any more; and
there's nothing I can do from the Navy anyway. His father was decorated in the previous war wasn't he? I wouldn't worry about it. These
things have a way of working themselves out. [modern edit could include " ... " there]

Regarding your other issue. Yes, I did read that "Long Legs Und Liquor" was shut down. But we all know it was a ses pit, so... But I do remember back in '33 when me and your brother use to stand out back and try to sneak in. Good times!

Speaking of your brother, can you find out if that land plot is still there? But don't trouble yourself over it; I'll ask him when I get there.

Same for your father... How is he? That's hard work he's doing there. But the men in your family have always been tanks.

See you soon. I love you, my beautiful.

Love,
Erich.

-----
Leutnant z.s
Erich Spellir
etc and sundry

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