Already posted^ But still funny! :lol:

Three good friends die and go to heaven. At St. Peter's Gate, Peter tells them,

"We only have one question to ask before we let you in. Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The first guy answered, "Every chance I got."

Peter said, "OK. You get to go around heaven on roller skates."

Peter asked the second guy the same question. He replied, "Only once in a great while."

Peter answered," All right. you get to ride around heaven on a bicycle."

Peter asked the third guy the same question. He answered, "Never in my life."

Pater replied, "Great! You get to ride around heaven in a Cadillac."

So all three friends hop into the third guy's Cadillac and roar off into heaven. After a while the first guy said to the third guy,

"Wait a minute. Isn't that your wife over there on roller skates?"


What do you call a quadruple amputee on your doorstep? Matt.

What do you call the same guy in your swimming pool? Bob.

What do you call the same guy in a pile of leaves? Russell,

Whay do you call the same guy hanging on your wall? Art.

Finally, the ultimate Tasteless racist joke. Why shouldn't blacks and Mexicans intermarry?

Then they would have kids too lazy to steal.

A Jewish joke from 1944.

German officer tells two Jewish men your going to be hanged, one Jewish man said to the other Jewish man "good there running out of bullets."

Heard it on the radio the other day about war jokes.


For the benefit if anyone is :-? the meaning of the joke is Germany was loosing the war and they needed the bullets on the front line.

A palestinian is runing away from an Israelie tank and firing his AK at it, after a while he simply stops, drops his assault rifle and turns to face the tank. The tank stops and the commander of the vehiacle pops his head out and asks "Why did you stop shooting?"
"I ran out of bullets." replies the palestinian
The tank commander pops his head back inside the tank, a minute passes and he sticks his head out again with a smile on his face while rubing his hands together and says "Want us to sell you some?"

Probably heard this one back in school years ago, should be one of the less offencive jokes in my arsenal, the others i feel would go to far on these boards and might give some people the wrong idea about me, they are just jokes with nothing mroe ment by them.

On that note - Monty Python - The Undertaker sketch
:D

Damn!! :damn: Never noticed :oops:

An old favorite:

In heaven, the police are all British, the chefs are all Italian, the mechanics are all German, the lovers are all French and everything is run by the Swiss.

In hell, the police are all German, the chefs are all British, the mechanics are all French, the lovers are all Swiss and everything is run by the Italians.

One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.

They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.

John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him.

Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."

Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro"

John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.

Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.

Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!"

John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.

He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."

Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!"

Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."

And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"

The shark then bites off Johns other arm.

Now John has no arms or legs.

His brother finally arrives to save him.

Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.

When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel fu*ked"

And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!"

:rotfl::rotfl:

Tho, I prefer this one:

What do you call 100 black men in the bottom of the ocean?
- A good start.

A Jewish gypsy walks into an SS commander's office. He is dying of severe lung cancer. She says to him, "Today is a Jewish holiday." He says, "How do you know that?" She says, "Any day you spend dying is a Jewish holiday."

Here's another one:

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the living hell out of the dog.

What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?
Not ennough sand.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Why don't women normally wear watches?
There's a clock on the oven.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride dirt bikes?

What's the difference between George W. Bush and a deer?
If you find a dead deer in the middle of the road it has skid marks in front of it.

How does every racist joke start?
With a look over each shoulder.

So this baby seal walks into a club...

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What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?
-A basketball coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
-A quarterback
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 1000 black guys?
-A warden.
(I'm not a racist, I swear! I just repeat the jokes I hear!)
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A man is in court and begins yelling at the judge about what a hard life he has had. The judge looks at him and says "Kid, I deal with the scum of the Earth all day; and then: I have to listen to their clients as well!" (Coming from someone with plans to go into law, nonetheless).
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A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher all go camping in the woods one day. They all bet each other that they can convert a bear to their respective religions within a week, then go out into the wilderness. A week later they meet together again, except the rabbi has a cast on and several bruises and scars.
"Well, I did wonders on my bear! He's being confirmed this Sunday!" the priest said.
"My bear was in tears from the sermon I gave!" said the preacher.
The two looked at the rabbi, and after deducing that he had failed, asked what happened. He replied "Okay, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
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A priest, rabbi, and preacher are fishing one day, and the priest decides to go get a Coke, but instead of rowing the boat to the shore, he gets out and walks across the water to the cooler. The preacher decides to go get a Coke too and copies the miracle performed by the priest. Astonished, the rabbi exclaims "This I must try!!" and gets out and falls into the lake. The priest and preacher look at each other and the priest says "Perhaps we should have told him about the rocks?"
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Wanna hear a great joke?
-Womens' sports!

This one is somewhat racist, but don't beat me for it. I thought it was funny.

Where's the best place to hide something from a black man?
Inside his workboots.