Today my wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men so I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what.. she couldn’t do either.

Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars.
Husband: Yeah that’s true. Wars require strategy, planning and logic.

When shopping I always hold hands with my girlfriend. People think it’s for romantic reasons but it’s actually for economic reasons.

Yesterday i picked up a hitchhiker. He asked me whether i were not afraid that he could be a serial killer. I said that chances were low that there were two serial killers sitting in one car, statistically.
Zack Silence.

Can’t believe how much my girlfriend is crying about her new haircut. Its much worse for me, I’m the one who’s gonna have to find a new girlfriend now.

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn’t speak to them for 2 years.

My wife created a website earlier today to give advice to people who are victims of domestic abuse. She’s had 50 hits today already.

My girlfriend told me this morning she doesn’t trust me.

I guess that’s one more thing she has in common with my wife.

Laughed out loud.. good one.

on a similar note:
 

My wife is very picky..
How picky?
I could bring home a girl every night for a month, and she wouldn't like one.

Not even one!

The wife and I were sitting on the couch watching the TV and it was boring so I thought I’d start a conversation.

Me: How many men have you had in total?
Wife: Are sure you want to know?
Me: Yeh, go on.
Wife: 7.
Me (after a pause): so I was number 7.
Wife: no, you were number 2.

What is 6 inches long, 3 inches wide and drives women crazy?




A £50 note.

The police came over to my house last night after me and my wife had an argument. I said “Officer there’s no reason for you to be here tonight, I’ve already tasered her.”

Husband: “Honey I think your mum tried to have sex with me last night! ”
Wife: “That’s impossible, she’s on holiday!”
Husband: “Oh ok, well maybe you should wear more makeup then!”

I thought the vasectomy kept my wife from getting pregnant,
but it only changed the colour of the baby.